Desired Haven Farm

My kitchen is nothing to write home about. It was added onto the house in 1950 and, well, it’s still from 1950. It’s maybe a little better than when we moved in when it was all dark wood and dark paint on the walls. Andrew and I spent days repainting the doors and trim of the cabinets white so it would brighten up the room. I painted the walls a cheerful yellow, because, well, I love yellow. Andrew added an island from a freebie cabinet and counter. It doesn’t match at all.

Then there was that time the ceiling was leaking. That was fun. The washer pipe fitting on the second floor had been leaking probably since it was installed and I walked into the kitchen one day to a puddle on the floor and drips coming from the ceiling. Andrew poked a hole in the soggy ceiling and water just poured and poured into the kitchen. So, we tore the ceiling out and put up bead board. It doesn’t really look pretty.

It works. In reality, we’ve wanted to remodel that kitchen since we moved in. It’s kind of becoming a need more than a want with as decrepit as it’s getting. Someday. For now, I’m glad my friends don’t care how mismatched and DIY it looks. They still come over and talk!

A few days ago a friend stopped by to pick something up. It was a quick grab and go that turned into an hour and a half! We didn’t mean to. Her kids, I’m sure, were wondering where mom had gone off to. Mine were happy I was distracted and they didn’t have to do school for a little while. But, there we were, standing in the kitchen for an hour and a half.

Honestly, I don’t remember everything we talked about. We jumped subjects, came back around to earlier conversations, didn’t really solve any world problems, and just chatted.

But, really, the conversation itself didn’t matter as much as the relationship. We could just chat about anything and everything, building each other up along the way. I don’t even remember the specific compliment now that she gave me, but I do remember it bolstering me and cheering me for the rest of the day. I hope I did the same for her.

After she left, I thought about how many times I’ve stood in my kitchen talking and laughing and just enjoying company. I love to do life with others. I love to build them up and encourage them when I can. I love when they do that for me. And, so often, it happens in my kitchen.

I would encourage you, if you struggle like I do with perfectionism, to just let it go. Let go of the fact that your kitchen isn’t perfect, or your house isn’t clean, or your decorations aren’t just right. Nobody cares as much as you do. I, for one, would rather spend time with you than not and it doesn’t matter to me if your house is Parade of Homes worthy or not. Mine certainly isn’t and never will be!

By the time my kids move out and I could have nice things, I’ll have grandchildren. And, believe me, I’d rather have those wonderful people around me than Pottery Barn décor!

As Christmas approaches, let it go! Let go the pressure and just enjoy the people God has put in your life.

Recently a friend sent me a message. She described a dream she had about me. We’ve known each other since we were little girls and the dream brought her back to then. I was asking her about a game we used to play as children and somehow she knew I was really asking about something else. I was asking how to approach the Lord on something.

She’s not sure what that something is; I’m still pondering it. But there’s something to it, I know it. She said, “maybe it’s just a dream, but it’s nothing if I don’t share it with you.” So true!

She told me in my dream to sing my prayer to the Lord. That whatever I was asking of Him wasn’t being answered because I needed to boldly sing it out, like literally sing it. I thought this was so strange, yet intriguing. I haven’t ever thought about singing out my prayers. I’m not super musical and can’t just compose music.

Yet, recently at youth group one night we talked about singing. Worshiping through song more specifically. And they asked us all to try to sing our own song. I thought it was strange and nothing really came to me. Maybe I just wasn’t ready for that message or wasn’t open to it. But, here it is again. Sing.

God doesn’t ask us to be professional musicians. He just asks us to worship. Music is His creation, not ours. It didn’t evolve, it wasn’t created when people became smart enough. It’s been around since the beginning. The Bible tells us there is singing in Heaven all the time, the angels sing, and God sings over us. So, it isn’t too far fetched that we want to sing too. That we would be drawn to music and want to create beautiful sounds. And, mostly, that we would want to return it to Him as worship and prayer.

I’m still pondering this message from my friend. I am still wondering exactly what I’m supposed to pray and how. If you’ve ever turned your prayer into song, please message me! I’d love to hear about it.

At church our sermon series is about angels this Christmas season. It’s been so so good, and so grounded in the Word of God. If you’ve ever wondered about angels, listen to these messages: https://www.hosannalc.org/series/?name=angels

It’s interesting to me that in the midst of this sermon series about angels, who are God’s messengers, I would get a message from an unexpected place. God sends His messages in different ways and sometimes he uses other people. I believe that to be true in this instance. There isn’t always a host of angels in the sky, singing and praising and bringing a message. Although God can and does certainly still use angels. But sometimes, it’s a message from someone saying simply, this happened. I don’t know what it all means to you, but I needed to tell you.

Have you ever felt that nudge in your soul? Have you ever had that overwhelming sense that you need to tell someone something? Or felt that push to go pray over someone? Follow it. Tell that person. Even if it seems really weird. Do it anyway. Maybe it’ll be nothing, but maybe it’s just what that person needs.

We don’t become angels, but we can be like the angels and spread God’s message when He asks. And what better time of year than right now to listen to His calling and obey. Thanks, friend, for obeying that call and for sharing the message God gave you with me.

This past weekend Andrew and I were able to get away. Andrew planned it months ago to celebrate my 40th birthday and our anniversary. We’ve made it 21 years! Can you believe it?

Only God knows when you are going to need a rest and a chance to reconnect and He knows how to plan it perfectly.

Life is just busy. It just is. I’ve heard the saying that Satan loves to keep you so busy you don’t have time to worship God. Thankfully, I don’t think we’re that busy. We do our best to incorporate God into our daily lives and worship on Sundays. But with 10 kids, a hobby farm, homeschooling, Andrew’s full time job, my two small part time jobs, and, well, grocery shopping, life is just full.

Don’t get me wrong. I love it. I love my full, busy life. Recently, I turned 40 and a few people asked, do you feel old? I can honestly say I don’t. I know I’m older than I was in my twenties. I get sore more quickly. But, I have such a full, rich life that I don’t have time to feel old. And I don’t want it in my vocabulary. I have a one year old who will need his mama for quite a long time to come, so I can’t be old. And I don’t want to feel old. So, I don’t.

With as busy of a life as we have, getting away is important. I need to remember that I can run at a different speed. Usually I am moving from early morning to evening, keeping everything going. I forget I can sit to just, well, sit. I can enjoy the world around me for more than a few seconds out the kitchen window as I’m making breakfast. I can relax and breathe in the fresh fall air and let go of the tension. I forget all those things because I’m just moving on to the next thing constantly.

On top of the regular busyness, we are part of a fairly new-to-us coop for school. It’s been so great and fulfilling for all of us, but it’s definitely had its learning curve and has added extra work this fall. We’ve finally found our groove with it and are able to breathe a little more now, but it took a solid six or seven weeks to get there, especially for the older kids as their work load is heavier.

Then just over a week ago, I received a call from a friend. She was crying. It started a whole chain of tearful phone calls. A couple, who has been a part of our homeschool world as long as I’ve been homeschooling, lost their lives in a horrific car crash. They were amazing people, who loved so deeply and lived so beautifully. It was a shock to our community and still is. It’s still not completely real.

While all of this was filling our lives, we had this get away to look forward to. And God knew exactly when we needed it most. We didn’t know that this past weekend would be the pinnacle of busyness in our fall (so far) and that we’d need to remember to breathe and give it over to God. But He knew.

We had planned to leave on Thursday, after dropping our kids off all over town. Thank you, by the way, to amazing friends, who were willing to take our kids! Instead of heading up north right away, we went to a beautiful, yet heart wrenching funeral for two amazing people first. It was such a hard service. They were so young and it was so unexpected. There was also a sense of hope at the service. That may seem strange to some, but we all knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, that these beautiful people were now in heaven. They loved Jesus with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength.

So, Thursday late afternoon, we headed on our way up the North Shore. I’ll save all our adventures for the next post, but on Friday after breakfast, Andrew and I took a six mile hike on the Superior Hiking Trail in dedication of Will and Cully, who loved the North Shore. It was an intense up and down and then way, way up hike. We made it to the top of Carlton Peak, which sits over 1800 feet above sea level. Boy, did I feel that in every part of my body. But, oh, the views!

The one thing that really struck me at Will and Cully’s service, was how they lived. There were probably a couple thousand people or more at the service and I was told the visitation the evening before was just as full. They were one-of-a-kind people. Wherever they were, they engaged fully and helped anyway they could. They weren’t loud, didn’t seek center-stage or fame, didn’t ask for accolades, just lived and loved. They took every opportunity to love those around them. Their quiet, humble attitude towards life and their purpose in it, impacted thousands of people. I was humbled by their amazing impact on so many. Their short time on earth was a beautiful lesson on how we should live: Love richly and fully where you’re planted.

I had the privilege of sharing at a women’s retreat this last weekend. There were a number of people who really wanted to hear what I shared and couldn’t make it, so I thought I’d share it here.

I thought I’d start by telling you a little about myself. I am married to Andrew; we’ve been married 21 years already! We have 10 kids. Yes, 10. Yes, they are all ours! They range from 18 to 1, six boys and four girls. When I was asked to speak for this women’s retreat I was excited, but also a little overwhelmed, especially when I heard the other two speakers were Pastor Jen and Pastor Julia!

But God impressed upon me this truth through a good friend: we all have a story to tell, we all have a testimony to God’s goodness and any one of us can tell our story to glorify Him. So, that’s what I’m going to do, try to tell my story for His glory.

First, I have a confession to make to you all. I am a control freak. I am. Truly. So often, people tell me how patient I am and how calm I always seem. People tell me I seem like I can let anything slide off my back and I don’t get riled up about much. Ha!! It’s all a lie! I think I’ve learned to hide my control issues well! Often inside, I’m struggling with what’s going on around me, wishing I could change it, control it, mold it to my will. And, unfortunately, sometimes it bubbles out in ugly ways.

Just to give you some insight, when Andrew and I were married 21 years ago, I used to get mad at him for certain things. I look back now and realize it was all a control thing! I’d get upset at him for…wait for it… folding towels the wrong way. I’m not even kidding! Some of you are probably thinking, I’m sorry what? Why wouldn’t you just be thankful that HE EVEN folded the towels at all!!! But it’s true. Not my proudest moments.

I used to get upset with him for cleaning the bathroom the wrong way. Not. Even. Joking. How stupid is that! HELLO?! He was cleaning bathrooms and instead of being thankful I was upset he didn’t do it just like me. Seriously, my control freakishness was way out of control!!

I would get upset with my kids for acting out in public. Oh, I’d get so mad at them. When I would really stop to think about why, which wasn’t until years later, I’d realize it was because they seemed out from under my control. And I thought it reflected poorly on me as a mom so I’d get mad to try to get them to behave the way I wanted.

The list goes on. I know I still want too much control over things now too. Maybe I’ve gotten better in some areas. Like if someone folds towels, hello…I’m just happy we actually have clean towels. At this point they could be shoved in the cabinet in a pile and I’d just be thankful I had a towel to dry off with.

But there are other things I am realizing I still want control of. This came out very starkly this last spring.

So, first here’s my family. I thought it’d be best to show you a photo. Here are all our kids! Most of this story is about what God taught me through a very difficult time with Isaiah, one of our oldest.

The Lord has been teaching me through these kids that I really want control of everything around me and that I can’t have it, nor should I have it!

This last April, one of the scariest things I think can happen to a parent happened to us. Isaiah, very tearfully, revealed to me that he thought frequently about killing himself. We’d had a lot of ups and downs with this kid for years, but never had I thought it was really that severe. All the disobedience, all the fights, all the sneaking and lying, was all really a cry for help that we didn’t recognize.

When he told me how he was truly feeling, I felt overwhelmed with grief and sadness. It was like a crushing weight and I had no idea what to do. I really don’t like that feeling of having no idea what to do. I felt so out of control. What he told me was scary, but that feeling of losing control was also scary.  

Of course, the morning he told me this, Andrew wasn’t home, and it came out in an argument between he and I. Isaiah was actually supposed to go with Andrew that morning and wouldn’t get out of bed. Because he didn’t get up and go with Dad and because we argued, his true state of mind was revealed. I thank God for those little things that I couldn’t have orchestrated.

I think I sat around stunned for a while, wondering what in the world we needed to do. Once Andrew got home, we ended up having him admitted in Rochester for a week for evaluation and the beginning of therapy. That was such a hard week. I spent a lot of time crying and praying and driving back and forth from home to Rochester to visit Isaiah. I spent a lot of time asking God, why. Asking Him, what did we as parents do wrong? Questioning where He was in all of it? Asking God, what am I supposed to do with all this? Wondering how I could keep it all under control with nine other kids to take care of, plus the house, and home schooling, and trying to make sure Isaiah was alright.

I also, so badly wanted to control Isaiah’s emotions and thoughts. If you would only think this, if you would only think that…

I think it’s in those moments when everything seems out of control that we have a choice to make. We can look for what an old pastor of mine used to call “God sightings”, or we can choose to let it all overwhelm and control us. I am not perfect at this and I still try all too often to control the situation on my own, but this time I did see God sightings.

During that week, God was so good to remind me He was there with us every step of the way. He spoke to me in the worship music in the hours I spent in the car. He spoke to me through other Christians. In fact, five different people at different times spoke the same thing to Andrew and I: “God is going to use this in Isaiah’s life for His glory. Isaiah is going to have such a powerful testimony to tell and will help other young people through the same issues.” FIVE PEOPLE! Five people who had no idea anyone else had spoken those words to us. If that’s not a God sighting, I don’t know what is!

He spoke to me through Scripture too. I clung to His Word that week, especially reading the Psalms. Let me tell you, when you feel like life is out of control, open the Psalms and you’ll get a good dose of who is really in control!

I want to share one Psalm that I kept reading and rereading. It’s Psalm 91.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

God just kept impressing on me that He was in control. Only He could save and make a person victorious. The NLT version says in verse 3: “He will rescue you from every trap.” Those words are so comforting when you have to hand your son over to medical professionals and just hope he’ll be okay. I prayed these verses over Isaiah because, truly, all I could do was pray.

But lately, as I’ve been rereading this Psalm, I’ve been realizing how it speaks to my need for control. Verse 2 starts off right away with trusting God. “² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

And then if we trust, the rest of the Psalm speaks of His protection and love and care for us. And what is trust, if not giving over control?

I’m not great at giving over control. Just this last week as I was trying to prepare this message, Satan was heavily attacking. I actually didn’t even finish writing it until Thursday morning. My kids were crabby and arguing, there were some harsh words spoken to me, there was trouble for one of my kids with a friend, my van broke down, my kids were starting to get sick, the baby was extra cranky, and on and on it goes. But I realized I was trying to control it all and that Satan was winning. So, instead of giving him a victory, I called a friend and said, “I need you to pray against Satan. I cannot get this message written.” Guess what? I got off the phone with her and started typing! Not because I took control, but because I let God have control.

After I talked with her, I wrote out a list of things I can control. It’s not much but it’s important. I can control how much time I spend in God’s Word and prayer. I can control my attitude, behavior, and emotions. I can control my response toward others and difficult situations. And that’s about it.  I have a choice to make with the rest. I can try to control it all, which never ends up working well, or I can realize it’s not mine to control in the first place and lay it before the throne of the One who knows best and can do a way better job than me.

This, for me, has been one of the hardest lessons and I’m still learning it. Almost everyday I see something else I’m trying to control or something I’ve laid before the King and then picked up again. Oh, I’m carrying that burden again? When did I pick that up again? And why? Do I really think I can do it better? So, I’m not coming to you as an expert, just as a fellow pilgrim trying to figure this all out.

Here’s just a silly reminder of how little I’m in control of. We took these family pictures this summer and half way through it just started raining and raining. Instead of getting upset that my plans were ruined I decided to just have fun with it. So our photographer held an umbrella over her camera while we got drenched. And guess what? They are my absolute favorite photos.

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This last Sunday as we were worshipping in church, I was convicted during a certain song that I had picked up the burden of trying to control Isaiah’s emotions and thoughts again. So, one more time, I had to lay him before God’s throne. I asked Steph if we could sing that song to end, so we can all have that reminder that He hasn’t failed us yet, and won’t.

Do you remember being a teen? Being in high school and trying to keep up with school work, sports, friends, and all the while thinking, What next? And not just thinking it, being bombarded by it! My boys have been getting junk mail from colleges for at least a year now and what’s the first question everyone asks…what are you doing after high school? Or, more specifically, people usually ask, Where are you going to school after high school?

It’s not necessarily a bad question. Well, maybe it is. At least to some kids it is. It puts a lot of pressure on these young people and if they are already dealing with anxiety or depression, it can overwhelm them to think about college. Should they even know at 16, 17, 18? How many of us absolutely knew what we wanted to do with our lives at 18 and actually stuck with it?

I think the better questions would be, what interests you? What do you want to learn more about? What kind of jobs are out there?

As my two oldest have hit 18 and have a year of high school left, I’ve seen this first hand. It causes ME anxiety when people ask. I can’t imagine what it does for them! I realize that there is a next step in life after high school, but when did we get to this point that it has to look the same for everyone? Why does it seem as though four year college is our only “good” option?

Since my hubby works with contractors everyday, we see the shortage first hand in the trades. Electricians and plumbers have practically begged our boys to come work for them and learn the trade. Contractors can’t find good employees to hire that want to stick with the job. Homeowners are waiting months for someone to come fix their sink or remodel their bathroom. Companies can’t get their products to the store in a timely manner because they are short drivers. The list goes on.

Let’s face it, not everyone is cut out for a trade job. But, not everyone should go to a four year college either, especially if it’s just because it’s what everyone else is doing. There’s not really a guarantee that you’ll make more money or be more secure, just because you went to college. Most of that comes down to budgeting and doing a good job at the job you’re given.

I point this all out because I’ve been thinking so much about how different my twin boys are. They always have been so different. Not just different, polar opposites really. One is an extreme extrovert, the other a homebody introvert. One thinks, the others is impulsive. One wants to pursue college, the other isn’t interested.

Last year one went to public school and the other stayed home. This year looks even different. And, guess what? They are both so happy with the path laid out for them.

One is taking PSEO classes with the hope of continuing there next year full time and getting a double major from the community college, then going on to complete an engineering degree at a four year college. The other is working full time this year instead of doing traditional schooling. He’s working construction and gets up happily everyday to go to his job. And he’s learning a ton, just like his brother. It just looks very, very different.

And that’s okay. It shouldn’t look the same for everyone, because everyone, and I mean everyone, is unique.

I’ll tell you something else. I am just as proud of both of them. I’m so proud of Samuel for knowing what he wants to pursue and taking a huge step by trying PSEO classes. I’m proud of him for studying hard, even with dyslexia that slows him way down. I’m proud of him for driving an hour one way twice a week for classes and laying out his homework each day so he stays on top of it all.

I’m also so proud of Isaiah. He made a really, really hard choice this summer by deciding to work full time this year. He made the good choice, even though it wasn’t the first choice. I’m proud of him for being mature enough to see what would be best for him. I’m so proud of him for lining an awesome job up for himself and getting up every morning very early, making a lunch, and getting out the door. I’m proud of him for making his boss happy and working hard at whatever job he’s given.

We need to see our kids as they are: unique individuals each with amazing gifts that no one else possesses. People who have a purpose and future, who can make a difference to those around them. People who each have their own path. We need to be proud of them when they pursue that path and happy that it isn’t cookie cutter!

I’m not putting down college at all. I hope you see that. For some it’s a great option. It’s just not the only option. There are lots of good options out there and we have to be sure we don’t put our kids in a box, but really dig into what their path should be. And, hopefully, that path isn’t like anyone else’s. Hopefully it’s just right for them.

All week we’ve been working on the Defeat of Jesse James Days Horseshoe Hunt. Every morning there’s a new clue. I don’t know about the rest of you, but they are so hard this year! We’re stumped.

Friday morning we thought we had an idea so we headed into town. It was a beautiful sunny morning, perfect for horseshoe hunting. We thought we’d hunt a while and then get back home to get some school and cooking done. At least those were my plans.

We were waiting for Andrew to meet us so we just milled around a bit. When he got there he went to sit down next to me on the bench and as he bent over he cracked his nose into the top of Maddie’s head. He fell back on the bench, holding his nose as Maddie stumbled back a bit holding her head. Andrew kept saying, “So much pain, so much pain.”

And…then…he passed out on the bench. I didn’t realize he actually passed out and so I asked him, “What are you doing?” There was no response and I realized he wasn’t conscious. Then I also realized I had heard a yucky cracking, snapping noise when the two of them had hit.

He came to pretty quickly and sat up. I looked at his nose and realized it was broken, so I told Samuel to run and grab the car so we could bring Andrew to the clinic. As he overturned into a slanted parking space he scuffed the neighboring car.

So, all of a sudden, as i’m trying to call the clinic, Samuel comes running and tells me he hit some lady’s car. I was like, “WHAT?” Andrew sat up and said even louder, “WHAT?”

I ran up the hill, leaving Andrew on the bench holding his nose so I could talk with her. She was upset at first but realized the utter chaos she had, at that moment, been sucked into. She also realized it was just a scuff mark on her car and not as bad as it could have been.

Andrew came hobbling up the hill and I told him to please sit down before he passes out again, while I’m trying to exchange numbers with this lady. By the time her and I had finished, Andrew had put his own nose back in place and was adamant he was fine and not going to the clinic, because, in his words, “We don’t need that expense right now.”

At this point, we were all pretty much done. Two kids were crying because they felt horrible, Andrew had a headache and very tender nose, and I was frazzled beyond clear thought.

So, plans dashed, we headed home.

I used to get so upset when my plans were messed up. I’m such a Type A, organized person that plan changes rise up in me something ugly. I’m not perfect, but I can say I’ve improved when it comes to my plans being thwarted. I still can get ornery and have to talk myself out of a bad mood, but I try hard now to regroup and not let it ruin my day.

Maybe that comes from having 10 kids. I often think, God knew I needed A LOT of refining and that’s why he gave me so many kids. Each one pushes me a little more towards Christ and, hopefully, more towards a Christ-like attitude.

This summer our pastors have done a series on The Fruit of the Spirit. It has been so so good. I realized that when my plans change and I get so upset about it it’s because I lack patience, one of the traits of the fruit of the Spirit. Often people tell me I’m so patient and I always laugh. I laugh because it’s so untrue. I am very impatient!

But mornings like this one, which, let’s face it, you can’t make up, keep pushing me more towards those attributes of the Spirit that I need and that need to be cultivated in my life. I can let it ruin my day, or I can see it for what it is: an opportunity to let the Holy Spirit cultivate more of His fruit in my life.

Now, I know these things never happen to you (ha ha), but just in case you do, remember to see those plan changes as an opportunity to grow more like Christ.

And, as a side note, let’s all just agree right now and make a pact that if a teen ever hits our cars, we’re going to be kind, civil, understanding and remember that it’s just a car. We can let it go and be thankful it’s just a dent in some metal and not an injury to anyone.

Ever have one of those moments where all you can do is thank the Lord that everything is okay? You actually stop in your tracks and contemplate the “What if” and have to say out loud, Thank you, Jesus. And you are in awe for days and days.

I’m still in awe, five days later, of what the Lord did.

Last Sunday we had been gone all day. I mean, ALL DAY. We left for church at 10 am and then went straight to a softball tournament. By the time we got home, it was after 9pm and we were tired. As I walked up the porch steps, I stopped and asked, “What’s that?”

There, right next to the door, was a charred candle.

I had placed a citronella candle there to ward off the picnic beetles that are constantly trying to get into the kitchen. I would light it for short times in the evenings when they were really bad. I knew I hadn’t lit it that morning, or, in fact, the day before. But there it was, charred.

Not only was the candle charred and blackened, but the deck had burned as well. Yep, my freshly redone deck. The one we spent four days on. The siding was also brown and warped.

I almost started to cry. I mean, how in the world was my entire house not ashes. Why did it stop burning?

Jesus. That’s my only answer. Jesus put out that fire. It had to have been engulfed in flames at some point with as charred as everything was. And Jesus put it out. That’s the only explanation.

One of the kids told us they had lit it the night before but had thought it was blown out before bed. Apparently it didn’t blow out so it burned all night and all day while we were gone.

It was a scary moment, to say the least. But it was also a testimony that I’m glad my kids got to see. We weren’t angry with anyone, just so thankful to the Lord that everything was okay. We just sat by that black spot on the deck. We couldn’t really do anything for a few minutes because the “What if” was quite vivid. If our house had started on fire, it would have been pretty engulfed in flames before someone would have seen it from a road. It’s not like we have neighbors right next door.

So, now, we have another project at some point. Fixing a burn mark in the deck. But that’s okay. I’d rather have that little project than trying to rehome our family and rebuild a house!

Thank you, Jesus!

Somehow, we got here. What a crazy journey it’s been too. Dips and turns, hills and valleys, maybe even some loop-d-loops. Probably some reversing and wrong turns too. May have even gotten lost sometimes for a while. But, here we are!

These two made it to 18! Recently I had someone tell me that as parents Andrew and I are the “cream of the crop”. It was one of the most encouraging, wonderful compliments and I know they meant it. Most of the time, we just feel like we’re floundering, wondering if we’re doing it right, asking God what to do….a lot, apologizing to our kids….a lot, and getting up the next morning and trying again.

There’s been a lot of mistakes with these two. And we’ve told them that. Sorry, guys, but you’re the first born. You’re the guinea pigs. We’re going to mess up with you more than any of your siblings. And, we’re going to have to say sorry more to you than any of the others as well!

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that there is a special covering from the Lord over first borns. Do you think He doesn’t know we’re going to mess up more with them? Do you think He didn’t plan for that? Of course He did! First borns are born with more resilience, more courage, more drive than the rest of the kids. They are also provided with an extra strong guardian angel, in my opinion. They need it! And God knows that!

Andrew and I would often say, it’ll be a miracle if these two boys make it to 18. Well, friends, we just witnessed a miracle, because they made it! And not only did they make it, but they are amazing, responsible, kind-hearted young men. I am so proud of them everyday!

What’s been fun to see as well, is how different they are from each other. They are twins, raised in the same home with the same responsibilities and discipline, the same mom and dad all their lives, and yet, they are so completely opposite from one another!

Samuel is cool and calm. He loves being at home, playing with the younger kids. He has this constant smile on his face and he really is content almost all the time. He’s wise and thought-filled and thinks of others around him almost always before himself. He is confident in who he is and what he wants in life. He loves Jesus with a quiet, steady love. He already ever argues or fails to follow through on something. I can always count on him to help me out with anything.

Isaiah loves people. He loves to tell stories about his day and those he’s met. He always wants to be on the go and loves anywhere where there is a crowd. He is hands-on in everything. He has even said, “don’t even suggest desk jobs to me”. He loves a good debate and loves to learn new things, as long as it doesn’t involve sitting too long to learn it. He loves Jesus with passion and fierceness and wants to make a difference in this world for Jesus’ kingdom. He feels deeply and people can wound him quickly without realizing how deeply. I can always count on him for a good story and a hug.

This year is strange! It’s the very first time these two haven’t been together on their birthday. I guess it’s one of those things that happens as you grow up, but it affected them both deeply. They’ve had their moments over the past 18 years where they’ve wanted to pummel each other and stay away from each other, but for the most part, they’ve been the best of friends. They have stood by each other when friends have bullied, they’ve comforted each other in the midst of pain, and they’ve laughed together harder than with anyone else. And today, one is in Costa Rica and the other is in Minnesota. How strange! It’s sad for my mama heart too, but I know it’s good. They are both where they are supposed to be today. And, thankfully Dad pulled some strings and got a video call in this morning so they could tell each other Happy Birthday!

God, I stand in awe of you today! Thank you for bringing my boys this far! Bring them ever farther in life. Let them mark their success not in worldly accolades and accomplishments, but by your Word and Kingdom. May they walk with you all their days and be forces of light in a dark place. It’s by your grace and goodness that they are the amazing young men they are today and I know you’ll complete the good work you’ve started. I pray they love you always and you protect them always. Thank you for Samuel and Isaiah!

Happy Birthday, boys!

Have you ever played with Silly Putty or Slime? Pulling it and watching it stretch and stretch but not break? It’s kind of mesmerizing to watch and wonder, how does it do that? My kids love to play with this stuff endlessly, although I’ve banned it from the house because I seem to always find it stuck in hair or the carpet!

Being stretched like Silly Putty isn’t necessarily easy, is it? But we all experience it in our lives, sometimes daily. I know if you are a parent this is especially true! This summer I’ve watched our son, Samuel, be stretched and stretched.

Samuel spent seven summers as a kid experiencing camp life for five days. He attended Camp Shamineau with friends and over and over would come home with stories and adventures to share. He loved it and was so impacted by it that as he got older he started saying he wanted to be a camp counselor. Well, this summer it worked out and he was accepted to serve at Camp Shamineau.

Back in January when he was accepted it seemed like it was a long ways off that he would spend most of his summer at camp. But, like everything else, it rushed upon us and in June he was off. Gone for four weeks, with just a weekly call, it felt strange to the rest of us left at home.

You see, Samuel is such a steady presence in our lives. He is almost always smiling and in a good mood. He has his moments where he gets stressed and overwhelmed but they don’t last long. For the most part he’s just even-keeled and steady. He knows exactly how to calm the little ones in the house, especially his buddy Jacob. He knows how to work hard and get things done well. Having him around is like having perfect summer days with a hot sun and a cool breeze.

And then he was gone. He spent a full four weeks at camp before coming home. When I picked him up, I hardly recognized him. He looked so grown up….and taller! We had a great three hour drive home, where I got to hear about all he had done at camp. He was loving it, I could tell.

He only spent a weekend at home and was off again for three more weeks. He’s down to two weeks now. This last weekend he came home again to run the Tough Mudder with his dad and brother. When I saw him, I could tell he was getting run down and tired.

He’s in introvert and homebody so to spend seven weeks serving at camp with rowdy campers, crazy weather, poison ivy, and lots of dirt is nothing short of stretching him like Silly Putty! I think he’s been stretched to the point where he’s sagging a bit like Silly Putty does when it gets really thin as you pull.

But, he hasn’t broken, nor will he. Though he seemed tired and worn out, he still only said good things about serving at camp. He’s loving the kids, the staff, and the whole experience. He’s already talking about serving as a program director next summer and working there full time after college. I’m so impressed with his maturity and willingness. This hasn’t been an easy summer for him, yet he maintains his good mood and easy going attitude towards it all.

I think we could all learn a lesson from Samuel. Don’t get too comfortable. Don’t just stay in your comfort zone because you feel good there. Allow yourself to be stretched. And stretched. And stretched.

Don’t worry, you won’t break. You might just find you have some hidden and better qualities you didn’t even know about. It might just push you into some new experiences in life that you’ll love, even if they are hard and different. Who knows, it might even show you God’s path for your life!

Be stretched. Be open to God’s leading. Be cheerful about it.

Be like Samuel.