I remember my first day of kindergarten vividly. I was so terrified as we drove up to the school. I remember hiding in the back seat, trying to shrink down. When my parents got me out of the car, I started to cry. I clung to my mom and an aide pried me off her and held me as I kicked and screamed while my parents drove away.
I have no idea what possessed my parents to think that was ok and normal. I don’t know if it was a bit out of desperation because if I went to school they didn’t have to pay childcare anymore or if they just thought, well she’s five, she has to go.
Sometimes, actually many times, I notice people just don’t think things through. It’s just how it’s always been or the “norm”. Do what society does because it’s expected.
I remember thinking often about this memory as I watched my little girl struggle with social settings. In her very early years she would cry and bury her head in my shoulder if anyone said hi to her. For a long time she was afraid to talk to anyone except her siblings.
When she was five she wasn’t quite as shy but big groups were very overwhelming to her. She would basically shut down and once she was home she’d find a quiet corner and do her own thing.
Today, at 13, she loves her friends, one or two at a time. She shines on stage playing her flute or acting. She has the biggest smile for people and is so kind and thoughtful. She’s definitely still an introvert and always will be, but she’s confident in who she is and comfortable around people. She’ll still say, “there’s so many people” or “I need some alone time” but she’s learned how to navigate those “extrovert” situations.
I love that homeschooling has allowed her to blossom at her own pace, in her own time, in her own way. Unlike me, she wasn’t forced to manage something she wasn’t ready for. She wasn’t pushed into a large group where she was terrified for no other reason than she turned five.
Homeschooling is way more than math and reading, although she’s really good at those too. It’s about letting our kids be who they were created to be. It’s about giving them a safe environment where they are protected from things they aren’t ready for. It’s about cherishing those very different personalities each of our kids possess.
She’s an amazing young lady, who is a joy to be with. I’m so thankful I get to have her at home where she isn’t zapped of all her energy everyday just trying to manage lots of people!
I have this little boy in my house who frequently leaves me baffled and wondering, what do I do with him. He’s passionate, energetic, stubborn, and fiercely opinionated. And if he doesn’t like something he won’t do it and you can’t make him.
He’s come a long way in learning self control and controlling his emotions. I remember vividly when he was a baby he would scream and thrash and kick me when I just wanted to change his diaper. His temper frequently got the best of him and he’d hit or throw something while screaming.
Of course, as his mom, I see how far he has to go still too. And there are still days when I think, oh boy, if he doesn’t learn to chill there’s going to be trouble. But, for the most part, thankfully, the Lord has given me a long term perspective with him. And there’s lots of laughter and joy with him too. Because his strong, passionate emotions span the entire spectrum.
There’s lots of reasons to homeschool for me and he’s one of them. I know he would likely be labeled. I know he’d likely challenge any teacher he encountered to his own detriment. I know there would be phone calls home because of his lack of enthusiasm or downright refusal to do something.
Now, I am not okay with my kids treating authority with an utter lack of respect. I don’t let him get away with it. But that also doesn’t mean that I can just tell him once not to act like that and he’d quit. This is a struggle for him and he’ll even admit that. He doesn’t like when he bursts out at people, but I know from my own experience it’s not an easy lesson to learn. I still struggle at times with lashing out so I get it all while I don’t condone it.
Having him at home means we can spend the time we need to on character, behavior, emotions, and relationship. He’s not away from me for eight plus hours a day, where I can’t help him learn how to manage his passion. He gets the time he needs to cool down and work through the hard things while he’s at home without worrying about falling behind in any school subjects. Because in our house there is no behind.
This kid doesn’t know how to read yet, and frankly, doesn’t care about letters. But he is learning how to be gentle, love deeply, control big emotions, handle conflict in a godly way, and he even gets some math in there.
I know that the Lord has amazing plans for him. Someday he’s going to do just what the Lord called him to and do it with more passion than most. He’s going to be a force to be reckoned with for God’s kingdom.
For now, I’m so thankful he can be at home with me, where we can hone that passion without squashing it. I’m so thankful even on the really hard days that he’s somewhere he feels safe and able to express those big emotions and work through it all with people who love him dearly.
It’s been a whole year since Andrew was let go from his job. And six months since he started his new one. What a rollercoaster it’s all been but something happened this week that really just reminded us that God cares for us, deeply.
We went away to our cabin up in the deep woods, way up north. So far you lose cell service. There’s no running water or electricity. No TV. Just wonderful, beautiful nature. This was our first vacation since Andrew started his new job.
In the past, when we took a few days to get away, he never really got away from his job. If we had cell service, there were phone calls and texts and emails constantly. When he got back, there was always a heap on his desk, orders waiting to be processed, contractors waiting for things, customers angry about something.
Every time we’d start the drive home from vacation I could see the stress settle back on his shoulders. I knew he was thinking ahead to what he have to deal with at work. It was more work to go on vacation than to just stay there.
Getting away and just being present with each other is so important and so refreshing. Even though it was always hard for him to actually get away, I forced it because it was needed.
This time around, when he was at work the day before we left, the director said “go on, get out of here. And don’t even think about it while you’re gone.” That in itself was such a change.
When we were driving home I could tell the stress was settling on Andrew as he drove and I knew he was anticipating what he’d dealt with before.
But he was pleasantly surprised when he got back to work and his desk was empty! Everything was still running smoothly, there was no chaos or emergencies. He just stepped back in and the wheels kept turning.
Sometimes when we get dealt something difficult and scary, we feel as though nothing good could possibly come from it. We feel abandoned and confused and even terrified. I remember well how scared I felt when Andrew lost his job.
And yet, God.
He loves us so much and cares for us so deeply we can’t even fathom it. He orchestrates things we couldn’t even dream of. And He does it for our good.
We knew Andrew needed a different position, but had no idea what or where or how. We felt stuck.
It wasn’t the way we would have done it, but it was the best way. Of course it was.
Often, once we’re through something hard and on the other side, we can look back and see God’s hand on every moment and part. And we can say, “oh I get it now. I see what you were doing, God. Thank you.”
We’re so so thankful for this path God has chosen. It’s been a breath of fresh air to our lives in so many ways.
Today, we’re grateful yet again for God’s love and goodness in our lives.
Somehow August is upon us, the garden is flourishing and about to burst with abundant harvest, and school is lurking around the corner.
Some years, we’ve started school mid August, other years we haven’t started until October. It’s one of the many things I love about homeschooling. We have the freedom to flow with ever changing life and not be locked into a government schedule.
I remember the year I was having Elliot, who was due in October. We started kindergarten in August because I knew I’d want and need time off when he was born.
Another year when we were harvesting like crazy for our CSA, we just didn’t have time for school until October so we waited.
There are so many great reasons to homeschool and having the freedom to set your own schedule is just one of the many.
It took me years to really settle into and own the fact that my routine and schedule can be totally different from everyone else’s and from the public school system. I can listen to the rhythm of my family and the season we’re in and adjust accordingly.
Not only can I do that with our start date, but with breaks and our end date as well. Some winters we have too many illnesses to count and so we break and rest and get healthy. Then we start up again when we can.
Each family has a rhythm of its own and I believe it’s healthier to follow that rhythm than to force our kids into an arbitrary, government created schedule. Have you ever critically thought about why our society’s schedule is rush rush rush? It’s worth putting some thought into.
Think about your kid whose body rhythm is to stay up late and sleep in. Why are forcing those kids to wake up at 6am to rush off to school?
Think about how sometimes in August you’re desperate for a routine again? Why not listen to that and start some structured learning to bring order back into your family.
There are so many beautiful reasons to homeschool. If you’ve been thinking about it for your family, I encourage you to make a list of those things your family is craving and see if homeschooling and slowing your routine can fulfill some of that.
In case you think I’ve got it all together, let me just share a little story…
It all started at 5:30am when I woke to the shrill beep of a malfunctioning smoke detector. I shot up, confused and disoriented.
Then, terror of terrors, I felt movement next to me. I looked over to see the two year old. How’d you get here? And please, please, don’t wake up.
A few minutes later, Beep, Beep, Beep! That did it. Up went the two year old. And if you know anything about two year olds, once they’re up, they’re up.
Later in the morning (but still ridiculously early) as I was reading my Bible, I heard a car alarm go off. I chuckled to myself and thought, oops, Steph hit the wrong button. It went off for what seemed like a long time, but I didn’t think much of it.
As I was making a birthday breakfast for my 13 year old, I got a text from my friend who lives on our property with us, in our renovated shed. “Can you come to the palace please?”
For some reason I thought, uh oh she found a dead cat.
Nope, not even close. She had somehow torqued her knee when she set off her car alarm and was in searing pain. I ended up driving her to Lakeville while my kids finished and enjoyed the birthday breakfast. After an appointment for her knee I dropped her at work.
The afternoon passed mildly enough except Lukas complained of not feeling well. He fell asleep on the couch for a while so I figured that would help him.
Andrew got home with Steph, who he had retrieved from work. She hobbled her way to the couch to rest her swollen knee.
The girls headed off to a birthday party and Andrew took some kids in the pool. I was washing dishes when Steph needed to move to bed so I helped her get situated. I made my way back to the house to finish dishes.
I saw a text had come through. “We’ll be there in the morning to take down your trees”. Okay, quick pivot. Time to clean the yard so they can get to the trees.
My very sad, dead trees that we’ll lose.
I walked outside to tell Andrew who then started attempting to get kids out of the pool. Eloise wanted to go with me, as she always does, so we walked to the barn to get the Ranger. I told her to climb in and as I walked around to the other side I noticed the tires were flat. I climbed in and something hit me. I asked “what’s that smell?”
Eloise replied, “I don’t know.” I figured I was smelling the sheep pen.
Over to the garage we went to fill the tires. Of course nothing is as easy as it should be and I couldn’t find the attachment for the air compressor to fill the tires. So I searched around and headed back to the Ranger to see if it was in there.
As I approached Eloise said, “I cleaning it off, Mama.”
“Cleaning what off?” I asked.
“This,” she replied as she held up her hands.
Well, I quickly figured out what the smell had been. She had stepped in dog poo on the way to the Ranger, had smeared it on the seat when she climbed in, and then had proceeded to “clean it” by wiping it with her hands…all over.
Quick pivot once again. Tires are still flat.
Scoop up two year old and hold out at arms length. Strip. Scrub. Wipe down the entire Ranger. Three times. Scrub shoes. Burn off hands. (Not really, but it felt like maybe I should.)
Meanwhile, Maddie showed up with Heidi, who proceeded to come to the parent scrubbing a naked two year old on the porch. Because, you know. They all come to mom. “I don’t feel very good.”
“Uh, I can’t deal with you right now. Go to bed if you don’t feel good,” I grumbled as I scrubbed.
Meanwhile Andrew found the attachment and filled the tires.
Meanwhile my phone and Andrew’s phone had been ringing.
Suddenly I hear Steph’s voice. “Sarah!”
Shocked, I looked up. Sure enough, there’s Steph in the yard, on her crutches. Steph, who should be laying in bed with her knee up. Steph, who couldn’t have easily gotten out of bed on her own but somehow managed it.
“Maddie’s in the ditch!” Steph yelled.
“I’m sorry, what???” I replied.
“She’s in a ditch just down the road, she says she’s fine but can’t get out.”
“ANDREW!!! Maddie’s in the ditch!”
He poked his head out of the garage. “Huh?”
“She’s in the ditch. You have to go get her out.”
“Ooookay.” My sweet hubby rolls with so many punches. I was a little shocked at how smoothly he just transitioned and walked over to his car and got in. At this point in the evening I had felt like I had lost my mind and he just hopped in his car like someone asked him to go get ice cream.
After all the cleaning, I kept moving things in the yard and Andrew returned. He had gotten the car out and Maddie was on her way again. All I could do was look at Andrew and ask, “what the heck just happened? And what else could possibly…”
“Don’t even say it!” He interrupted. Seriously, don’t ask it. Don’t even think it. That was enough for one day, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it??? We chuckled. If we don’t laugh, we’ll cry some days.
So, you know, just in case you may think I have all my ducks in a row, I don’t. I don’t even have ducks. I have wild, feral, rabid beasts circling one another fighting for who will pounce first.
The cleaning culprit.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a long night’s sleep. Of course, I’ll probably get a few hours punctuated by tiny feet to the kidneys, but hey, it’s something.
Thankfully not every day is like today. And when it is hard, God sustains. Like today. I walked into the palace and said, you won’t believe what just went down! And Steph listened and laughed hard and that made me laugh and then she handed me gummy bears. So, you know, all in all, it ended well. “Emotional support gummy bears” she called them. I’m beginning to think everyone should have a stash of those. Because you just never know what might hit you!
June has been nothing short of crazy. I was out of town two to three days each week. Usually I’m almost always home so it definitely felt different and busy.
We first went to Iowa as a family to celebrate the life of a dear friend. It was a really good time but really emotional and hard too. We loved her so much and I’ll tell you more about her in another post. She was someone to emulate.
The next week I took my twins on a little getaway to Duluth. We talked boys and college and hopes and dreams and had a great time. It was a blessing to me to spend that time with them. They are the most amazing young ladies.
Then we were only home for two days and we left again. This time we went with our dear friends, Mandy and Tyler, to Wisconsin. We’ve been doing a co-op together for years now and finished this last spring. Next year they are all moving to full time PSEO so we thought it fitting to celebrate.
We visited the strangest house I’ve ever seen, The House on the Rock. All I can say is by the time we got out of that maze, we felt disturbed. It’s unfortunate what too much money and no God does to a person!
One thing I’ve really been thinking about over this past month is habits. I think because so many of my habits have been broken because of the busy nature of my schedule.
My workouts have gotten set aside, my Bible reading has suffered, my garden isn’t getting the attention it deserves, even my house isn’t in order as it should be. All of the order in my life comes from little daily habits which add up to great things.
There’s nothing wrong with straying from our routine at times. A vacation, an unexpected schedule shift, a new job, seasons of the year, can all throw our habits off. And that’s ok. And sometimes it feels good to shake it up a bit.
For me, getting back into those habits is comforting. I know that working out and reading my Bible daily don’t just help my body and mind, they help me order everything else in my day and be diligent in other ways as well. Habits bring order and for me that brings peace.
Enjoy summer and all the schedule shifting it brings, but think about habits and those you can focus on this summer to bring more order and diligence to your life. It really does expand to areas you wouldn’t expect.
I have the best three grown sons a mama could ask for. All weekend I got to spend time with these three, watching them wrestle, laugh, and love others. Every time I looked at them my breath caught and my heart skipped. Tears threatened to pour out and I caught my sob.
I’m not usually the emotional type, but having to grieve my dear, sweet friend Jan caused me to ponder life.
Mamas who were ahead of me in the journey would always tell me, cherish this when they are little. It goes by so fast.
I always thought it was going by so slowly. Days seemed endless sometimes, with the crying and nose wiping, and sticky hands. I remember thinking I’ll never get out of this.
And then all of a sudden, literally in the blink of the eye, I’m on the other side. And every time I’d watch these three this weekend, all I could think was, “how did we get here?”
I feel like I must have been on a bullet train all these years and wasn’t looking out the window at how quickly things were whisking by. I was only looking at what was happening inside, the life, the chaos, the beauty.
I can confidently say I didn’t miss it. I was there for it all. And I’m so thankful for that. But still, I simply cannot believe the speed at which it all happened.
So, mamas who are in the heart of sleepless nights, sticky everything, wondering if you’ll ever find yourself again, please hear me when I say it truly does go by so fast. Cherish every moment. Because you will, one day, blink and a sob will catch in your throat and you’ll ask yourself, “how did I get here?”
I heard it said, “Motherhood is raising people you can’t live without, to be able to live without you.” I feel that deep in my soul!
This morning I woke up debating if I should do a workout or go out to the garden for a bit. The call of the garden won and the moment I stepped out my front door I was so thankful I chose going outside. It was a breathtaking morning. Every different kind of birdsong was filling the air. The sun was warm and the breeze was light. After I grabbed my gloves and walked into the garden the sound of frogs in the pond delighted me. I just stood still in the sun and took a deep breath and said thank you, God.
It’s impossible to not praise God when all of creation around you is doing it.
There’s so many moments in my days when I stand, staring into space, wondering what I should do next. There’s always too many things on the to-do list. Do I move laundry or make lunch? Do I workout or go to the garden? Do I play a game with the kids or clean house? On and on it goes all day, every day.
This morning I chose the garden and it was so perfect and peaceful for a little while.
I had my coffee, my favorite shovel, and innumerable weeds to tackle.
And then, I made a bad choice.
For the last week, one of our ewes, Annie, keeps escaping. She’s decided one spot in the fence is an escape route, and despite an extra line AND a higher voltage fencer, she keeps getting out. But I thought, surely she’ll get it this time.
So I let them out. Within 10 minutes she was close to her chosen spot looking wistfully through the fence. I stood quiet and watched her. She looked around.
“Annie! Don’t even think about it!” I yelled.
She turned and started grazing.
A few minutes later I looked again. There she was, looking out.
“Annie! Don’t do it!”
She did it. She jumped right through. I heard the fence zapping her. The twins followed.
“Annie! You dumb sheep!”
So much a for a peaceful time in the garden, drinking coffee and weeding. Instead I spent my time trying to coerce her back into the fence. When she got close enough I grabbed her by the horns and dragged her to the barn. Now she’s locked up again, all because of her bad choices.
The culprit. Don’t be fooled by that innocent face.
It made me think of this verse:
Isaiah 53:6 ESV All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
There are SO many references to sheep in the Bible. We are called sheep often. And I’ve been given the perfect visual daily lately about who we are.
We think we know. We’re sure we know. We are absolutely positive we’re on the right path. And the whole time we’re busting through the barrier God has put before us.
I don’t have an electric fence to be mean. It’s for my sheep’s safety. What Annie sees is greener grass on the other side. What she doesn’t see are cars, coyotes, and a lifetime of wandering if she gets really lost.
As smart as we think we are, we’re really just dumb sheep who can’t see past the green grass just out of reach. All too often I think I know what’s best but I’m really just hindering myself and blocking the blessing and safety God has for me.
As I was dragging her by the horns, heaving, sweating, and gasping, I asked God, how many times do you want to do this very thing to me? How many times am I being so dumb you want to just grab me and drag me?
It gave me pause. I thought about the fact that in those moments, when I’m standing and staring, wondering what to do next, I should be asking God what He wants me to do, instead of just busting through the fence not needing His warnings.
After all, He is the good shepherd. He really does know what’s best.
John 10:11 ESV I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.
So many have reached out to me and asked about my previous blog titled “Sometimes You Have to Walk Away”. You checked in and asked if I’m okay or need to talk. I want you to know I appreciate that so so much. Knowing who you can trust and who are good friends is so important.
I want to clarify a few things. Someone said, “you left it so vague”. I did that on purpose. While others have tried to smear my reputation and name, I don’t feel the need to return that favor. While my sinful heart wants to, I know it’s not right, nor beneficial. I still want to honor God in the midst of the healing process. If you wonder if it’s you, please don’t wonder. The person certainly knows as there have been multiple attempts at reconciliation and conversation.
Quite a few people have asked if I’m okay. I assure you I am. My good God has been walking me through the healing along with just a couple very close people who can be trusted with all the details. Most of this happened a year or more ago and I didn’t feel I could write about it until now.
Someone asked “is it eating you up inside?”. I’ll say this. I allowed it to have that power over me for a while but am actively releasing it to the Lord daily and even momentarily at this point. I don’t want to give it more energy or time and I don’t want to be a bitter person.
God is so good in His timing. Recently I reread my great friend’s books. Loving Leah, Keeping Kyla, and Making Mari, all by Joan Crombie. Her books have such fun story lines that keep you engaged and wondering what’s next. But even better than that, she weaves Biblical truths and lessons into her stories so naturally that you can’t help but let them soak into your heart.
In Making Mari, the lesson woven in was exactly what my heart needed to hear. There is a significant connection between forgiveness and bitterness. Maybe that seems obvious but it really struck me this time. In order to not grow into a bitter woman I need to forgive and not hang on to hurts.
Sounds simple, but it’s not necessarily easy. Here’s what I’ve found as I’ve dived into forgiveness.
One, forgiveness is for your own heart and doesn’t release the offender. You don’t have to ignore the fact that someone hurt you and be their bestie. You can have healthy boundaries AND also let it go in your own heart and mind.
Two, forgiveness doesn’t mean you automatically trust the person again. You may never trust them again. That’s ok. Trust is earned, not just freely given. Again, you can keep your distance without harboring hard feelings.
Three, forgiveness is a continual process. Every time a thought comes up, we have to take it captive and stop the spiral. We need to say, “no, I’m not going to let that control me. I forgive them for that.” Then we need to truly set it aside and fill our mind with positive thoughts. This can feel like a battle at first but it gets easier with practice.
Four, forgiveness is truly directly connected with bitterness. When we choose to hang on to hurts, it starts to spill into other areas of our lives. I found myself second guessing other friends, being short and snappy to my husband and family, and letting other negative thoughts spiral. It’s amazing how one tiny seed can grow into a giant tangled mess.
In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us to forgive not seven times but seventy-seven times. He’s telling us to do it over and over until our hearts are free from bitterness. Keep doing it. Every time it crops up. Any time a thought pops into your mind. There’s a face off between forgiveness and bitterness in your heart and mind. A battle of two foes. Forgiveness V Bitterness.
2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
Once you do it enough times, you’ll find you feel free, light, released. It doesn’t condone another person’s behavior, it just sets you free from carrying their sin and your own in your heart.
This isn’t a journey I would have asked for, but I’m thankful God has carried me through and taught me more about him. He is always good!
In the warmth of the sun but the cool of the wind, I was cleaning my flower bed. Crouched down near the freshly emerging plants, I swept corn husks from every corner and from under every plant. I peeked under the mulch where I knew hostas had been, excited to see their tiny green spears about to thrust into the light. I watched the bleeding hearts bob and dance in the wind, cheerful to just be there. As I meandered through the flowers, pulling grass I found my Jacob’s Ladder blooming and softly said, well hello there!
I realize it’s not March, but I love this quote. It’s so true of Minnesota spring.
I realized there in the garden that I’ve turned into my mom. Putzing in the garden, talking to the plants, enjoying every moment.
Taking time to slow down is not in my nature. I’m all German…we walk fast, work fast, push others to move fast. It can be really helpful in many ways. But I’m learning (slowly) to slow down. To just be in the moment and enjoy it.
The kids and I “finished” school about 10 days ago. I decided, we’ve done enough for the season and it’s time for a new season. There have been many years where I’ve attempted to push through more bookwork while at the same time starting the garden and doing all the outside projects spring brings. But this year I’ve felt so overwhelmed so frequently that I knew I needed to do something different.
The beauty of homeschooling is that we can slow down, we can set aside books for other things. We get to choose how we teach our kids. School is honestly never really finished in our home. We just teach in different ways in different seasons. My kids learn more from gardening than from their books. They can identify plants, bugs, soil needs. They know when produce is ripe and how to pick it. They know how to prepare it for a delicious meal too!
Choosing to slow down and not do so much allows all of us time to process and think. It allows what we’ve learned to be mulled over and moved to long term memory. And it gives us time to breathe and see God in the midst of our days.
I’m not good at slowing down. I often feel rushed even when I’m sitting, reading a book. But I’m trying hard to push past that and slow. If you don’t have a garden, plant one! Everyone needs to put their hands in the dirt and watch things grow. Everyone should tarry over the flowers and sit in awe at things growing. A friend recently told me, “plants just want to grow; they were created to grow and they want to.” It’s so simple and yet so profound.
So, since spring is here, set aside the books and get outside. Show your kids the flowers, breathe the fresh air, watch the leaves emerge from the trees. And thank God for growth, spring, beauty, warmth, and that He created things to grow! Including us!
Desired Haven Farm 