Just a Day in the Life

In case you think I’ve got it all together, let me just share a little story…

It all started at 5:30am when I woke to the shrill beep of a malfunctioning smoke detector. I shot up, confused and disoriented.

Then, terror of terrors, I felt movement next to me. I looked over to see the two year old. How’d you get here? And please, please, don’t wake up.

A few minutes later, Beep, Beep, Beep! That did it. Up went the two year old. And if you know anything about two year olds, once they’re up, they’re up.

Later in the morning (but still ridiculously early) as I was reading my Bible, I heard a car alarm go off. I chuckled to myself and thought, oops, Steph hit the wrong button. It went off for what seemed like a long time, but I didn’t think much of it.

As I was making a birthday breakfast for my 13 year old, I got a text from my friend who lives on our property with us, in our renovated shed. “Can you come to the palace please?”

For some reason I thought, uh oh she found a dead cat.

Nope, not even close. She had somehow torqued her knee when she set off her car alarm and was in searing pain. I ended up driving her to Lakeville while my kids finished and enjoyed the birthday breakfast. After an appointment for her knee I dropped her at work.

The afternoon passed mildly enough except Lukas complained of not feeling well. He fell asleep on the couch for a while so I figured that would help him.

Andrew got home with Steph, who he had retrieved from work. She hobbled her way to the couch to rest her swollen knee.

The girls headed off to a birthday party and Andrew took some kids in the pool. I was washing dishes when Steph needed to move to bed so I helped her get situated. I made my way back to the house to finish dishes.

I saw a text had come through. “We’ll be there in the morning to take down your trees”. Okay, quick pivot. Time to clean the yard so they can get to the trees.

My very sad, dead trees that we’ll lose.

I walked outside to tell Andrew who then started attempting to get kids out of the pool. Eloise wanted to go with me, as she always does, so we walked to the barn to get the Ranger. I told her to climb in and as I walked around to the other side I noticed the tires were flat. I climbed in and something hit me. I asked “what’s that smell?”

Eloise replied, “I don’t know.” I figured I was smelling the sheep pen.

Over to the garage we went to fill the tires. Of course nothing is as easy as it should be and I couldn’t find the attachment for the air compressor to fill the tires. So I searched around and headed back to the Ranger to see if it was in there.

As I approached Eloise said, “I cleaning it off, Mama.”

“Cleaning what off?” I asked.

“This,” she replied as she held up her hands.

Well, I quickly figured out what the smell had been. She had stepped in dog poo on the way to the Ranger, had smeared it on the seat when she climbed in, and then had proceeded to “clean it” by wiping it with her hands…all over.

Quick pivot once again. Tires are still flat.

Scoop up two year old and hold out at arms length. Strip. Scrub. Wipe down the entire Ranger. Three times. Scrub shoes. Burn off hands. (Not really, but it felt like maybe I should.)

Meanwhile, Maddie showed up with Heidi, who proceeded to come to the parent scrubbing a naked two year old on the porch. Because, you know. They all come to mom. “I don’t feel very good.”

“Uh, I can’t deal with you right now. Go to bed if you don’t feel good,” I grumbled as I scrubbed.

Meanwhile Andrew found the attachment and filled the tires.

Meanwhile my phone and Andrew’s phone had been ringing.

Suddenly I hear Steph’s voice. “Sarah!”

Shocked, I looked up. Sure enough, there’s Steph in the yard, on her crutches. Steph, who should be laying in bed with her knee up. Steph, who couldn’t have easily gotten out of bed on her own but somehow managed it.

“Maddie’s in the ditch!” Steph yelled.

“I’m sorry, what???” I replied.

“She’s in a ditch just down the road, she says she’s fine but can’t get out.”

“ANDREW!!! Maddie’s in the ditch!”

He poked his head out of the garage. “Huh?”

“She’s in the ditch. You have to go get her out.”

“Ooookay.” My sweet hubby rolls with so many punches. I was a little shocked at how smoothly he just transitioned and walked over to his car and got in. At this point in the evening I had felt like I had lost my mind and he just hopped in his car like someone asked him to go get ice cream.

After all the cleaning, I kept moving things in the yard and Andrew returned. He had gotten the car out and Maddie was on her way again. All I could do was look at Andrew and ask, “what the heck just happened? And what else could possibly…”

“Don’t even say it!” He interrupted. Seriously, don’t ask it. Don’t even think it. That was enough for one day, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it??? We chuckled. If we don’t laugh, we’ll cry some days.

So, you know, just in case you may think I have all my ducks in a row, I don’t. I don’t even have ducks. I have wild, feral, rabid beasts circling one another fighting for who will pounce first.

The cleaning culprit.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a long night’s sleep. Of course, I’ll probably get a few hours punctuated by tiny feet to the kidneys, but hey, it’s something.

Thankfully not every day is like today. And when it is hard, God sustains. Like today. I walked into the palace and said, you won’t believe what just went down! And Steph listened and laughed hard and that made me laugh and then she handed me gummy bears. So, you know, all in all, it ended well. “Emotional support gummy bears” she called them. I’m beginning to think everyone should have a stash of those. Because you just never know what might hit you!

Habits

June has been nothing short of crazy. I was out of town two to three days each week. Usually I’m almost always home so it definitely felt different and busy.

We first went to Iowa as a family to celebrate the life of a dear friend. It was a really good time but really emotional and hard too. We loved her so much and I’ll tell you more about her in another post. She was someone to emulate.

The next week I took my twins on a little getaway to Duluth. We talked boys and college and hopes and dreams and had a great time. It was a blessing to me to spend that time with them. They are the most amazing young ladies.

Then we were only home for two days and we left again. This time we went with our dear friends, Mandy and Tyler, to Wisconsin. We’ve been doing a co-op together for years now and finished this last spring. Next year they are all moving to full time PSEO so we thought it fitting to celebrate.

We visited the strangest house I’ve ever seen, The House on the Rock. All I can say is by the time we got out of that maze, we felt disturbed. It’s unfortunate what too much money and no God does to a person!

One thing I’ve really been thinking about over this past month is habits. I think because so many of my habits have been broken because of the busy nature of my schedule.

My workouts have gotten set aside, my Bible reading has suffered, my garden isn’t getting the attention it deserves, even my house isn’t in order as it should be. All of the order in my life comes from little daily habits which add up to great things.

There’s nothing wrong with straying from our routine at times. A vacation, an unexpected schedule shift, a new job, seasons of the year, can all throw our habits off. And that’s ok. And sometimes it feels good to shake it up a bit.

For me, getting back into those habits is comforting. I know that working out and reading my Bible daily don’t just help my body and mind, they help me order everything else in my day and be diligent in other ways as well. Habits bring order and for me that brings peace.

Enjoy summer and all the schedule shifting it brings, but think about habits and those you can focus on this summer to bring more order and diligence to your life. It really does expand to areas you wouldn’t expect.

Whisks Away

I have the best three grown sons a mama could ask for. All weekend I got to spend time with these three, watching them wrestle, laugh, and love others. Every time I looked at them my breath caught and my heart skipped. Tears threatened to pour out and I caught my sob.

I’m not usually the emotional type, but having to grieve my dear, sweet friend Jan caused me to ponder life.

Mamas who were ahead of me in the journey would always tell me, cherish this when they are little. It goes by so fast.

I always thought it was going by so slowly. Days seemed endless sometimes, with the crying and nose wiping, and sticky hands. I remember thinking I’ll never get out of this.

And then all of a sudden, literally in the blink of the eye, I’m on the other side. And every time I’d watch these three this weekend, all I could think was, “how did we get here?”

I feel like I must have been on a bullet train all these years and wasn’t looking out the window at how quickly things were whisking by. I was only looking at what was happening inside, the life, the chaos, the beauty.

I can confidently say I didn’t miss it. I was there for it all. And I’m so thankful for that. But still, I simply cannot believe the speed at which it all happened.

So, mamas who are in the heart of sleepless nights, sticky everything, wondering if you’ll ever find yourself again, please hear me when I say it truly does go by so fast. Cherish every moment. Because you will, one day, blink and a sob will catch in your throat and you’ll ask yourself, “how did I get here?”

I heard it said, “Motherhood is raising people you can’t live without, to be able to live without you.” I feel that deep in my soul!

Like Sheep

This morning I woke up debating if I should do a workout or go out to the garden for a bit. The call of the garden won and the moment I stepped out my front door I was so thankful I chose going outside. It was a breathtaking morning. Every different kind of birdsong was filling the air. The sun was warm and the breeze was light. After I grabbed my gloves and walked into the garden the sound of frogs in the pond delighted me. I just stood still in the sun and took a deep breath and said thank you, God.

It’s impossible to not praise God when all of creation around you is doing it.

There’s so many moments in my days when I stand, staring into space, wondering what I should do next. There’s always too many things on the to-do list. Do I move laundry or make lunch? Do I workout or go to the garden? Do I play a game with the kids or clean house? On and on it goes all day, every day.

This morning I chose the garden and it was so perfect and peaceful for a little while.

I had my coffee, my favorite shovel, and innumerable weeds to tackle.

And then, I made a bad choice.

For the last week, one of our ewes, Annie, keeps escaping. She’s decided one spot in the fence is an escape route, and despite an extra line AND a higher voltage fencer, she keeps getting out. But I thought, surely she’ll get it this time.

So I let them out. Within 10 minutes she was close to her chosen spot looking wistfully through the fence. I stood quiet and watched her. She looked around.

“Annie! Don’t even think about it!” I yelled.

She turned and started grazing.

A few minutes later I looked again. There she was, looking out.

“Annie! Don’t do it!”

She did it. She jumped right through. I heard the fence zapping her. The twins followed.

“Annie! You dumb sheep!”

So much a for a peaceful time in the garden, drinking coffee and weeding. Instead I spent my time trying to coerce her back into the fence. When she got close enough I grabbed her by the horns and dragged her to the barn. Now she’s locked up again, all because of her bad choices.

The culprit. Don’t be fooled by that innocent face.

It made me think of this verse:

Isaiah 53:6 ESV
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

There are SO many references to sheep in the Bible. We are called sheep often. And I’ve been given the perfect visual daily lately about who we are.

We think we know. We’re sure we know. We are absolutely positive we’re on the right path. And the whole time we’re busting through the barrier God has put before us.

I don’t have an electric fence to be mean. It’s for my sheep’s safety. What Annie sees is greener grass on the other side. What she doesn’t see are cars, coyotes, and a lifetime of wandering if she gets really lost.

As smart as we think we are, we’re really just dumb sheep who can’t see past the green grass just out of reach. All too often I think I know what’s best but I’m really just hindering myself and blocking the blessing and safety God has for me.

As I was dragging her by the horns, heaving, sweating, and gasping, I asked God, how many times do you want to do this very thing to me? How many times am I being so dumb you want to just grab me and drag me?

It gave me pause. I thought about the fact that in those moments, when I’m standing and staring, wondering what to do next, I should be asking God what He wants me to do, instead of just busting through the fence not needing His warnings.

After all, He is the good shepherd. He really does know what’s best.

John 10:11 ESV
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.


Versus

So many have reached out to me and asked about my previous blog titled “Sometimes You Have to Walk Away”. You checked in and asked if I’m okay or need to talk. I want you to know I appreciate that so so much. Knowing who you can trust and who are good friends is so important.

I want to clarify a few things. Someone said, “you left it so vague”. I did that on purpose. While others have tried to smear my reputation and name, I don’t feel the need to return that favor. While my sinful heart wants to, I know it’s not right, nor beneficial. I still want to honor God in the midst of the healing process. If you wonder if it’s you, please don’t wonder. The person certainly knows as there have been multiple attempts at reconciliation and conversation.

Quite a few people have asked if I’m okay. I assure you I am. My good God has been walking me through the healing along with just a couple very close people who can be trusted with all the details. Most of this happened a year or more ago and I didn’t feel I could write about it until now.

Someone asked “is it eating you up inside?”. I’ll say this. I allowed it to have that power over me for a while but am actively releasing it to the Lord daily and even momentarily at this point. I don’t want to give it more energy or time and I don’t want to be a bitter person.

God is so good in His timing. Recently I reread my great friend’s books. Loving Leah, Keeping Kyla, and Making Mari, all by Joan Crombie. Her books have such fun story lines that keep you engaged and wondering what’s next. But even better than that, she weaves Biblical truths and lessons into her stories so naturally that you can’t help but let them soak into your heart.

In Making Mari, the lesson woven in was exactly what my heart needed to hear. There is a significant connection between forgiveness and bitterness. Maybe that seems obvious but it really struck me this time. In order to not grow into a bitter woman I need to forgive and not hang on to hurts.

Sounds simple, but it’s not necessarily easy. Here’s what I’ve found as I’ve dived into forgiveness.

One, forgiveness is for your own heart and doesn’t release the offender. You don’t have to ignore the fact that someone hurt you and be their bestie. You can have healthy boundaries AND also let it go in your own heart and mind.

Two, forgiveness doesn’t mean you automatically trust the person again. You may never trust them again. That’s ok. Trust is earned, not just freely given. Again, you can keep your distance without harboring hard feelings.

Three, forgiveness is a continual process. Every time a thought comes up, we have to take it captive and stop the spiral. We need to say, “no, I’m not going to let that control me. I forgive them for that.” Then we need to truly set it aside and fill our mind with positive thoughts. This can feel like a battle at first but it gets easier with practice.

Four, forgiveness is truly directly connected with bitterness. When we choose to hang on to hurts, it starts to spill into other areas of our lives. I found myself second guessing other friends, being short and snappy to my husband and family, and letting other negative thoughts spiral. It’s amazing how one tiny seed can grow into a giant tangled mess.

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us to forgive not seven times but seventy-seven times. He’s telling us to do it over and over until our hearts are free from bitterness. Keep doing it. Every time it crops up. Any time a thought pops into your mind. There’s a face off between forgiveness and bitterness in your heart and mind. A battle of two foes. Forgiveness V Bitterness.

2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

Once you do it enough times, you’ll find you feel free, light, released. It doesn’t condone another person’s behavior, it just sets you free from carrying their sin and your own in your heart.

This isn’t a journey I would have asked for, but I’m thankful God has carried me through and taught me more about him. He is always good!

Slow Growth

In the warmth of the sun but the cool of the wind, I was cleaning my flower bed. Crouched down near the freshly emerging plants, I swept corn husks from every corner and from under every plant. I peeked under the mulch where I knew hostas had been, excited to see their tiny green spears about to thrust into the light. I watched the bleeding hearts bob and dance in the wind, cheerful to just be there. As I meandered through the flowers, pulling grass I found my Jacob’s Ladder blooming and softly said, well hello there!

I realize it’s not March, but I love this quote. It’s so true of Minnesota spring.

I realized there in the garden that I’ve turned into my mom. Putzing in the garden, talking to the plants, enjoying every moment.

Taking time to slow down is not in my nature. I’m all German…we walk fast, work fast, push others to move fast. It can be really helpful in many ways. But I’m learning (slowly) to slow down. To just be in the moment and enjoy it.

The kids and I “finished” school about 10 days ago. I decided, we’ve done enough for the season and it’s time for a new season. There have been many years where I’ve attempted to push through more bookwork while at the same time starting the garden and doing all the outside projects spring brings. But this year I’ve felt so overwhelmed so frequently that I knew I needed to do something different.

The beauty of homeschooling is that we can slow down, we can set aside books for other things. We get to choose how we teach our kids. School is honestly never really finished in our home. We just teach in different ways in different seasons. My kids learn more from gardening than from their books. They can identify plants, bugs, soil needs. They know when produce is ripe and how to pick it. They know how to prepare it for a delicious meal too!

Choosing to slow down and not do so much allows all of us time to process and think. It allows what we’ve learned to be mulled over and moved to long term memory. And it gives us time to breathe and see God in the midst of our days.

I’m not good at slowing down. I often feel rushed even when I’m sitting, reading a book. But I’m trying hard to push past that and slow. If you don’t have a garden, plant one! Everyone needs to put their hands in the dirt and watch things grow. Everyone should tarry over the flowers and sit in awe at things growing. A friend recently told me, “plants just want to grow; they were created to grow and they want to.” It’s so simple and yet so profound.

So, since spring is here, set aside the books and get outside. Show your kids the flowers, breathe the fresh air, watch the leaves emerge from the trees. And thank God for growth, spring, beauty, warmth, and that He created things to grow! Including us!

The Meeting of the Dumpster

I thought I’d share a funny, light hearted story with you. I hope you get as many laughs and as much pleasure out of it as I have.

Some friends and I have been collecting plastic for Trex as a project. In the end, you get a free Trex bench. 

It was my turn to collect from the local food shelf. So Steph and I hopped in Bertha and ran over to the food shelf. I parked alongside the docking area where there’s a convenient lift. I lined up my side doors with the lift and thought, I’ll just go in, put all the plastic on the lift, and lower it to the van.

I went inside and found there was no plastic in the bin. Okay, I thought, that makes my job easy.

I returned to the van to head out. Directly in front of the van was an asphalt ramp that lead up to the door of the building so I couldn’t drive forward. No big deal. I’ve backed Bertha up plenty of times. I didn’t even think twice about what I had to do.

I hopped in, threw it in reverse, watched my back up camera and started going backwards.

Suddenly I heard a loud, “SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH!”

I looked at Steph, she looked at me.

“What was that?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she answered with a shrug.

I backed up a tiny bit more.

“SCREEEEEEEEECH!”

I threw it in park, utterly confused, and got out. I walked around the back of the van to discover I had scraped along a dumpster. The pole that protrudes from the front edge. You know the one the garbage truck grabs to lift the dumpster.

Ok, weird, I thought. I knew the dumpster was there. I really didn’t think I was that close. How in the world did manage that?

I got back in thinking, surely I can just pull forward and away from the dumpster. I mean it’s just a pole. I start to ease forward and turn the wheel.

“SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!”

Steph just sat there looking at me completely dumbfounded. Later, when I asked her why she was looking at me so blankly, she replied, “I just couldn’t believe you had done that. I mean, I’ve driven in Bertha with you countless times and you handle that thing like a beast. I just couldn’t process how you’d done that!”

I said, “Steph, can you get out and just tell me when I’m away from the dumpster so I can pull away from it?”

She hops out and stands alongside the van.

“Ok, back up and turn your tires this way.” She points and directs.

I try it. “SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH!”

“Nope! Ok, forward and go this way!” She points again.

“SCREEEEEEEEECH!”

There’s nothing quite like the sound of metal on metal.

I get out again and go back to the van and dumpster. I have no idea, to this day, how I hooked my van onto that dumpster. I mean, there’s no hook! But try what I may, I could not get my van away from that dumpster. And at this point, the gouge down the side of the van was impressive.

As we stood there staring at each other with completely lost expressions, I see a car pull up. A man gets out and starts to walk to the nearby auto store. I must have been completely desperate at this point or totally hopeless because for some reason I decided to call out to this guy.

“Um, excuse me?! Can you help me get my van unhooked from this dumpster?!”

Steph whipped her head from me to the guy and back with this look that said, “I cannot believe you just did that!”

He walks over to us, looks at the van and dumpster hooked together, the gouge down the side of the van, and we two.

“Well, if you two ladies can push from that side and I pull from this side, I think we can slide the dumpster,” he quietly said.

So we heave. The dumpster moved a couple inches.

“One more time,” he said.

We heave again.

“I think that outta do it,” he said.

“Thank you,” I say out of my complete and total humiliation.

“Okay,” he replied as he turned and walked away.

Steph and I get in the van and look at each other. We giggle, then giggle some more, then look at each other and burst out in full blown, uncontrollable laughter.

I pull out my phone and text Andrew…

Thank God my husband has a sense of humor and I drive a 30 year old van!

It’s been a couple months since this happened. The embarrassment has faded just a little. But every time I drive by the food shelf and that auto shop, I wonder…”I wonder what kind of stories that guy tells about the two ladies with their van hooked to a dumpster. I wonder if there were security cameras.”

And every time I see that gouge in my van, I think about that “pregnant dumpster”!

I had shared this story with a couple friends, much to their delight. A couple weeks after, one friend texted me and said, “I just want you to know you help me get through my morning workouts every morning. I just think about your van story and laugh and it just helps me get moving!”

So, hopefully, this does the same for you. I hope it helps you know, I don’t have it all together, but I just keep going. And I find I may as well laugh at myself and let others laugh at me too!

Get After It

A workout? Exercise? Gym membership?

No thanks.

I have never liked to workout. I love being active, going on walks, working around the farm and in the garden. But going to a gym and doing a structured workout has always turned me off.

Until recently.

Unfortunately I have hit the perimenopause yuck stage in life. And I’ve felt constantly tired, weak, and unmotivated. Last summer at a park date, I heard two women talking about their workouts and how much they love it and how good they feel. I couldn’t stop thinking about their attitude towards it and wondering why and how they could possibly “love it”.

Well, fast forward a bit and I got together with one of them, who has turned into a fast friend. I asked her about working out and her loving it and she eagerly told me all about the program she does. I decided, well, it’s worth a try.

I did the free two week trial and was hooked. I’ve been working out for over five months now and can’t believe how much stronger I feel. It’s not always easy. Do I want to get up early and push my body while I fight yawns? Definitely not. But I’m finding the benefits far outweigh the sacrifice!

I’m here to tell you what I wish I had known ten years ago: Get after it, ladies!

I wish someone in her 40’s would have told the 30 something year old me to get after it. To start before perimenopause snuck in and took over. My only regret with working out is not starting years ago.

But, at least I’m doing it! Do something everyday, especially strength training. Give your body, mind, and spirit that gift. Believe me, it spills into every part of life, making you stronger and more diligent in everything.

Here’s me all sweaty and worn out with my workout buddy who’s only job is to steal my Pilates ball!
Every six weeks I do a Benchmark Test. I’m getting stronger and stronger every time! And while some of the numbers haven’t gone up much, I added weights or lowered the elevation so they are actually more difficult moves.

Even if you are like me and have never ever wanted to do structured workouts, just do it! Make yourself do it! I just had a conversation with one of my kids about how sometimes in life we just have to do hard things even when we don’t want to because they are necessary and good for us. Please hear me when I say, strength training IS necessary for you! I won’t get into all the scientific stuff, but women lose 40% of their muscle mass in their 40’s if they don’t workout. That brings on all sorts of problems later in life!

Do it for yourself! Do it for your kids! I want to be active and able to keep up with my kids and grandkids for a long time to come so I’m doing what I can now to accomplish that future goal.

The Most Important Work

I overheard this conversation a couple days ago…

Lady addressing two young boys: “What have you been up to with no school today?”

Before the boys could answer, Mom answers: “Going crazy!”

Lady: “Oh I’m sure. I bet you can’t wait until tomorrow!”

It made my heart sink to watch. The two boys shrunk and didn’t say anything. Then one piped up and said, “Well I WANT to go to school anyway.”

Maybe he does like school, but I could tell it was a bit of a rebuttal against the adult’s comments.

Moms, Dads, let’s not talk like this about our children, in front of our children. Let’s do better. Let’s be better. Let’s show our kids better.

Our society portrays kids as a burden, a stress, and an inconvenience. Many can’t wait to push their kids off on others or school and look at holidays and summers as just something to get through. There’s nothing wrong with having a break from our kids, don’t get me wrong. I need them and enjoy them.

We simply don’t ever need to make our children feel like a burden or as if they are unwanted. They are always watching and listening. They are learning how to relate to others and someday their own children by what we model. When we make comments like “I can’t wait until they go back to school” we’re speaking loudly about what we think of taking care of and spending time with our children. And they pick up on that.

C.S. Lewis very wisely stated, “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

If you choose to have children, remember they are little human beings that you have to raise to be big human beings. They someday have to relate to the rest of the world in some capacity and they learn from mom and dad more than anyone else in their lives.

What you say matters. How you spend time with them matters. Talking about them as a frustration teaches them something just like talking about them as a blessing teaches them.

Children are tough, don’t get me wrong. It’s not for the faint of heart to raise them up in the way they should go. But it is totally worth if it you stick to it. All of a sudden you have these amazing adults that count you as a friend, hug you when they see you with a big grin on their face, and are kind and generous to the world around you.

Believe me when I say, it’s worth it. When my adult boys hug me and say “Hi, Mom” or “I love you, Mom” I have to choke back tears. Every time. Did I do it all perfectly? Definitely not. Did I show them they were worth it and I loved them and they were a blessing not a burden? Yes. At least enough for it to sink into their hearts.

Even on the hard days, let’s choose to tell our kids, “I love you” “You are a blessing” “I love spending time with you”.

Sometimes You Have to Walk Away

There are times in life when you just have to walk away. It may seem hard and those on the outside may judge you as harsh and unfeeling. Those on the inside might too. But there truly are times when it’s okay and actually healthy to walk away.

I’ve been through it. And while I don’t feel like I can share all the details on the internet, I can share some things I’ve learned. While I had to walk away, it wasn’t because I’m heartless or cruel, nor is it because I didn’t like someone. I think those things have been thrown around and they just aren’t true.

Walking away from a situation, group, or person isn’t something I take lightly. It’s not something I do facetiously. It took three years to get to the point where I had to say, enough. I did it to protect myself, my family, and my time. That may sound selfish but there have been times when I’ve given so much of myself and my time to something else that there’s nothing left to give to what matters most. For me that’s my family.

Through this I’ve learned there are people in this world who are very mentally unwell. They don’t have the emotional maturity to own up to their wrongdoings, take any responsibility for their part in things, or recognize when they’ve hurt someone. I’m not talking about your average two year old either. These are grown adults who have can’t take responsibility.

I’ve learned these people usually have a very hard past with abuse, abandonment, or trauma that they refuse to heal from or believe they can’t be healed from. They are walking around with all that baggage and it leaks like battery acid on all their relationships. I could live in that yuck – believe me, I have it. But I’ve chosen to say, that doesn’t define me. I can still choose to love those around me and be thoughtful, kind, and repentant.

I’ve also learned these people are master manipulators. I got hoodwinked for quite awhile before starting to see the lies and things that just didn’t add up. It look a long time to see all the ‘victim stories’ were really just excuses to not take ownership of their problems and find solutions. It allows them to sit in the yuck and get everyone around them to feel sorry for them and take action for them.

There’s so much more and I’ll possibly share more as time goes on.

But for now, lastly, I had to learn that it wasn’t me. These people are so so good at getting you to believe you are the crazy one, that you are the horrible friend, and that you are cruel and unkind. Their manipulation doesn’t stop at making you pity them. It continues until you feel like you must be a terrible friend because what you do is never enough for them so you try to do more and it’s still not enough. They get you to question everything because the story always changes and they try to triangulate all your other friends to ostracize you.

The blessing in all of it is this: I found out who my true friends were. The ones who came to me and said, just so you know, this is being said about you and I know it’s not true. Friends who told the manipulator, just go talk to her, she’ll listen and want to resolve whatever you think is wrong. Friends who stood up for me when I wasn’t in the room.

Unfortunately, I also found out who chose to believe all the narratives spewed about me. I won’t lie, that hurts. A lot. And I’m still trying to heal from that. When friends you’ve known and loved for most of your adult life choose to believe lies about you, it cuts deep.

I am not perfect. I’ve had to apologize to my friends. I’ve screwed up in my relationships. But I try to own it and repent. Please know, I don’t ever walk away lightly.

My walking away meant a lot of hurt for me. And probably for others as well. I’m a fixer and my desire is always to stay and make it right, probably to my own detriment sometimes. But I do have a limit. And that limit was reached after a lot of attempted conversation, prayer, attempts to make amends, and even apologize for things I hadn’t done.

It got to the point where I realized, this person isn’t healthy enough to actually fix this. No matter what I do, it’ll never be enough. So, to protect myself and my family along with other relationships, I had to say my boundary is now here and it won’t be moved.

It hasn’t been a light road. I’ve frequently contemplated if I’m just a horrible friend and don’t know how to love well. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, specifically asking God to reveal to me what I need to repent of. I’ve asked a couple of godly mentors to help me see the truth and to ask me the hard questions. Every time I’ve poured it all out to the Lord, he has vindicated me. He has told me clearly time and again that I’m free from fault. He has shown me in innumerable ways at just the perfect times what’s truly going on. I know that He has it all in His hands and He protects my reputation.

Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
    the Most High, who is my refuge[b]—
10 no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
    no plague come near your tent. Psalm 91:9-10