Motherhood – Desired Haven Farm

Character at Home

I have this little boy in my house who frequently leaves me baffled and wondering, what do I do with him. He’s passionate, energetic, stubborn, and fiercely opinionated. And if he doesn’t like something he won’t do it and you can’t make him.

He’s come a long way in learning self control and controlling his emotions. I remember vividly when he was a baby he would scream and thrash and kick me when I just wanted to change his diaper. His temper frequently got the best of him and he’d hit or throw something while screaming.

Of course, as his mom, I see how far he has to go still too. And there are still days when I think, oh boy, if he doesn’t learn to chill there’s going to be trouble. But, for the most part, thankfully, the Lord has given me a long term perspective with him. And there’s lots of laughter and joy with him too. Because his strong, passionate emotions span the entire spectrum.

There’s lots of reasons to homeschool for me and he’s one of them. I know he would likely be labeled. I know he’d likely challenge any teacher he encountered to his own detriment. I know there would be phone calls home because of his lack of enthusiasm or downright refusal to do something.

Now, I am not okay with my kids treating authority with an utter lack of respect. I don’t let him get away with it. But that also doesn’t mean that I can just tell him once not to act like that and he’d quit. This is a struggle for him and he’ll even admit that. He doesn’t like when he bursts out at people, but I know from my own experience it’s not an easy lesson to learn. I still struggle at times with lashing out so I get it all while I don’t condone it.

Having him at home means we can spend the time we need to on character, behavior, emotions, and relationship. He’s not away from me for eight plus hours a day, where I can’t help him learn how to manage his passion. He gets the time he needs to cool down and work through the hard things while he’s at home without worrying about falling behind in any school subjects. Because in our house there is no behind.

This kid doesn’t know how to read yet, and frankly, doesn’t care about letters. But he is learning how to be gentle, love deeply, control big emotions, handle conflict in a godly way, and he even gets some math in there.

I know that the Lord has amazing plans for him. Someday he’s going to do just what the Lord called him to and do it with more passion than most. He’s going to be a force to be reckoned with for God’s kingdom.

For now, I’m so thankful he can be at home with me, where we can hone that passion without squashing it. I’m so thankful even on the really hard days that he’s somewhere he feels safe and able to express those big emotions and work through it all with people who love him dearly.

Get After It

A workout? Exercise? Gym membership?

No thanks.

I have never liked to workout. I love being active, going on walks, working around the farm and in the garden. But going to a gym and doing a structured workout has always turned me off.

Until recently.

Unfortunately I have hit the perimenopause yuck stage in life. And I’ve felt constantly tired, weak, and unmotivated. Last summer at a park date, I heard two women talking about their workouts and how much they love it and how good they feel. I couldn’t stop thinking about their attitude towards it and wondering why and how they could possibly “love it”.

Well, fast forward a bit and I got together with one of them, who has turned into a fast friend. I asked her about working out and her loving it and she eagerly told me all about the program she does. I decided, well, it’s worth a try.

I did the free two week trial and was hooked. I’ve been working out for over five months now and can’t believe how much stronger I feel. It’s not always easy. Do I want to get up early and push my body while I fight yawns? Definitely not. But I’m finding the benefits far outweigh the sacrifice!

I’m here to tell you what I wish I had known ten years ago: Get after it, ladies!

I wish someone in her 40’s would have told the 30 something year old me to get after it. To start before perimenopause snuck in and took over. My only regret with working out is not starting years ago.

But, at least I’m doing it! Do something everyday, especially strength training. Give your body, mind, and spirit that gift. Believe me, it spills into every part of life, making you stronger and more diligent in everything.

Here’s me all sweaty and worn out with my workout buddy who’s only job is to steal my Pilates ball!

Every six weeks I do a Benchmark Test. I’m getting stronger and stronger every time! And while some of the numbers haven’t gone up much, I added weights or lowered the elevation so they are actually more difficult moves.

Even if you are like me and have never ever wanted to do structured workouts, just do it! Make yourself do it! I just had a conversation with one of my kids about how sometimes in life we just have to do hard things even when we don’t want to because they are necessary and good for us. Please hear me when I say, strength training IS necessary for you! I won’t get into all the scientific stuff, but women lose 40% of their muscle mass in their 40’s if they don’t workout. That brings on all sorts of problems later in life!

Do it for yourself! Do it for your kids! I want to be active and able to keep up with my kids and grandkids for a long time to come so I’m doing what I can now to accomplish that future goal.

The Most Important Work

I overheard this conversation a couple days ago…

Lady addressing two young boys: “What have you been up to with no school today?”

Before the boys could answer, Mom answers: “Going crazy!”

Lady: “Oh I’m sure. I bet you can’t wait until tomorrow!”

It made my heart sink to watch. The two boys shrunk and didn’t say anything. Then one piped up and said, “Well I WANT to go to school anyway.”

Maybe he does like school, but I could tell it was a bit of a rebuttal against the adult’s comments.

Moms, Dads, let’s not talk like this about our children, in front of our children. Let’s do better. Let’s be better. Let’s show our kids better.

Our society portrays kids as a burden, a stress, and an inconvenience. Many can’t wait to push their kids off on others or school and look at holidays and summers as just something to get through. There’s nothing wrong with having a break from our kids, don’t get me wrong. I need them and enjoy them.

We simply don’t ever need to make our children feel like a burden or as if they are unwanted. They are always watching and listening. They are learning how to relate to others and someday their own children by what we model. When we make comments like “I can’t wait until they go back to school” we’re speaking loudly about what we think of taking care of and spending time with our children. And they pick up on that.

C.S. Lewis very wisely stated, “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

If you choose to have children, remember they are little human beings that you have to raise to be big human beings. They someday have to relate to the rest of the world in some capacity and they learn from mom and dad more than anyone else in their lives.

What you say matters. How you spend time with them matters. Talking about them as a frustration teaches them something just like talking about them as a blessing teaches them.

Children are tough, don’t get me wrong. It’s not for the faint of heart to raise them up in the way they should go. But it is totally worth if it you stick to it. All of a sudden you have these amazing adults that count you as a friend, hug you when they see you with a big grin on their face, and are kind and generous to the world around you.

Believe me when I say, it’s worth it. When my adult boys hug me and say “Hi, Mom” or “I love you, Mom” I have to choke back tears. Every time. Did I do it all perfectly? Definitely not. Did I show them they were worth it and I loved them and they were a blessing not a burden? Yes. At least enough for it to sink into their hearts.

Even on the hard days, let’s choose to tell our kids, “I love you” “You are a blessing” “I love spending time with you”.

Dream God’s Dreams

My “bud” left this week. It’s been a hard couple of weeks. Leading up to him leaving, I kept thinking how it couldn’t be possible that it was approaching so fast. Then, all of a sudden, it was Monday and we had to say goodbye!

Part of me thinks, how silly that I’m sad! It’s only 13 weeks and he’ll be back. Yet, it’s so much more than just the 13 weeks. He’s not just on a trip or off to college where he could still text me and call me. He gets zero access to phones or computers the entire time, unless he earns a phone call.

The other part of it is that it’s something so huge and so hard! He’s going to what they say is the second most difficult boot camp behind Navy SEAL training. He’s going to be pushed beyond his limits daily in so many capacities. In fact, one of the ways he can earn a phone call is if he knocks another person out in one of the challenges!

I’ve been pondering all week what to say about all this. It’s been on my mind a lot, of course. And I vacillate between being so proud of and excited for him and being so sad he’s gone.

So here’s where my thoughts have landed this week.

First, we raise our kids to leave the nest. All the time, energy, tears, laughter, yelling (cuz let’s be real – there’s yelling), praying…it’s all so they can be amazing adults who can stand on their own in this crazy world! While my heart has been heavy this week, I’ve also felt such peace because this is exactly what I’ve wanted for him all along. He’s doing it! He’s adulting!

Second, Isaiah has inspired me. From the time he was little he’s told me, I’m going to travel the world and probably be in the army. Well, it’s close to true. He’s decided Marines and he’ll have to opportunity to travel all over. He’s been actively pursuing this specific dream for 2 years and what else would I want for him than to go for it! He’s inspiring me to pick up my dreams and pursue them. Push for what God is calling you to!

Third, I couldn’t be more proud of both my boys! They have both pursued God’s calling in their lives this summer. Those callings look so different and yet are both so good. Encourage your kids to follow what God has for them, whether it’s near or far. I don’t ever want to hinder my kids by telling them they have to stay close by or can only pursue certain things. I tell them to seek God and His plan and then go for it!

Lastly, while my mama heart grieves, I’m surrounding myself with people who are supportive and caring. I’ve allowed myself to cry and sleep in a bit and have the iced coffee drink. We aren’t losing it if we cry. We aren’t a mess if we’re sad. It’s ok to have those emotions too and while it’s not comfortable, I’ve given myself the space and opportunity to feel those things.

I told Isaiah on Monday, “Go! Have your adventure! Just don’t forget God!”

“Thanks, Mom. It’s gonna be ok.” He replied. Then I hugged him until he was annoyed, then hugged him one more time and made it to the car before I sobbed. I’ve got the countdown on the wall and have already written a letter to him (even though I don’t have the address yet). At the same time I’m so excited for him and so thankful he is pursuing God’s dream for his life!

Precious Time

Three weeks. My son gets married the weeks from today.

That really hit me yesterday. Hard.

I’ve been blessed to have him in my house for almost 21 years and watched him grow into an amazing man with a compassionate heart, gentle spirit, and sweet disposition. He has a great sense of humor and is so smart, especially when it comes to tearing things apart and fixing them.

He’s a man of few words, especially when there’s a crowd. But early in the morning, when the sun is just peeking through my kitchen window and the house is quiet, he talks. Usually it’s just he and I in the kitchen getting ready for the day. I’ll ask him what he has going on at school or what plans are taking shape for the wedding. It doesn’t matter so much what we talk about, just that we connect.

I’m the type of person who doesn’t want to talk to anyone or really see anyone early in the morning. I actually like that my hubby is gone early because he loves to talk right away! I like my quiet in the mornings. I know what’s coming… noise, questions, screaming from the the year old, chores, meals, running errands. It’s all good and I love my life, but being an introvert in a house of 13 people, I need a little quiet in my day.

But these mornings with just Samuel have become so precious to me. Maybe because I know they are limited and then his sweet bride gets these mornings. I’m more than happy to give him up to her; she’s amazing. It’s just a huge change and it’s hard.

But I think an even greater reason I’ve been cherubim these mornings, is that I am learning slowly but surely that my relationship with my kids is paramount. It’s more important than anything else I work on with my kids.

When Samuel and Isaiah were little my relationship with them wasn’t foremost for me. My to-do list was. Getting school checked off was. Making sure they obeyed was. And I hurt our relationship because of that.

Thanks be to God that He worked on my heart and restored our relationship despite my best efforts to damage it! I haven’t arrived yet but I’m learning and eager to do better with my younger kids.

I always tell Samuel and Isaiah that I messed up more with them than I ever will with the subsequent kids. We laugh about it but it’s probably true and I’ve asked their forgiveness for many things. But I can look back and see that it’s ok that I messed up because God is bigger than all my mess ups! He has taught and led Samuel all these years to right here.

I’m so proud of him and so thankful for his wonderful bride. I’m praising God in the midst of all the swirl of emotions that they have each other and that Samuel is the amazing man God wants him to be. I’ll cherish my last few precious mornings.

Yesterday morning I told Samuel with tears, “I’m going to miss these mornings with you.”

“I’m still going to be around, mom,” was his reply.

“I know, but it won’t be the same.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’m not going very far.”

Three weeks.

Catch In Your Spirit

After my last blog post, a friend asked, “how did you get from there to here?” Meaning, how do you go from getting frustrated and angry quickly with what your little ones are doing to being patient and gentle with them.

Well, first, I definitely haven’t arrived! I’m entangled somewhere along the bumpy, winding, overgrown path from there to here. I take a lot of wrong turns and make U turns frequently! I’ll get there by heaven!

I’ll be honest. I’m a yeller. I could blame it on my aggressive, battle-ready German blood, or on the fact that my parents yelled, or on some circumstance in my life, but it really just comes down to my own sinful heart. Don’t we all want what we want right now? I’m impatient and when I don’t have control I yell.

But every once in a while, on this messy path, I catch a glimpse of sonlight. It peeks through the anger, frustration, yelling, and imperfection and shines brightly in my face. It’s that still, small voice that whispers in my heart, reminding me to pause, to think before I act, to not just react.

That sonlight and still small voice belong to the one and only Holy Spirit. If you know Jesus, you have his Spirit within you desiring to be your guide along this tangled mess of a journey. As I’ve been thinking about my friend’s question He has come to mind as the most influential person in my mothering.

Let me draw a picture for you. You are sitting in your living room, in your favorite spot, cozied up with a blanket and a cup of your favorite hot drink. You have a book on your lap opened and you’re engrossed in the story. The house is quiet because the little ones are napping and the bigger kids are watching a movie. You flip page after page as you eagerly anticipate what’s going to happen in the book. Suddenly, you find yourself not being able to concentrate on the words on the page, but find your mind wandering to all you should be doing. You get a little butterfly like twinge in your gut, maybe a quickening of breath, and you feel fidgety. No longer can you relax and engage in the book, because you just know your responsibilities are rising to the surface and you need to get off the couch and start the dryer and get supper in the oven or the rest of the evening will go downhill quickly.

That’s what it feels like when the Holy Spirit speaks to you. That’s the best I can describe it anyway. You’re in the midst of your frustration and anger with your child, and, if you’re willing to be aware of it, the Holy Spirit is causing your mind to think of something else, something better. Maybe He’s just saying, “pause, breathe” or maybe, “there’s a better way” or “will this develop the fruit you want in your child”. If you are in God’s Word regularly, guaranteed the Holy Spirit will use those Words you’ve read to help you and guide you in those moments.

Have you ever felt that twinge in your gut? I call it a “catch in your spirit”. It’s like there’s this little invisible tug, as if the cord that attaches my spirit to the Holy Spirit is being tugged on.

In that moment, when I feel that tug, I have a choice. I can stop and listen and breathe. I can choose to take a moment and consider how big of a deal it actually is. I can decide what’s best for my relationship with my child and what will actually bring about a heart change.

Or…I can choose to plow ahead on my own, giving in to my fleshly desires and sinful heart. I can choose to react harshly and push my child away. I can choose to forget about their heart and the consequences of my actions.

Sounds so easy in writing. Yet it’s so hard on real life. Why?

For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.
Romans 7:19 ESV
We all have a war that wages within us between our flesh and the Spirit. And we all are imperfect. And we all want to hang on to our sinful ways because they appear to give us the results we want. But in reality, they are fake results without eternal change.

for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
James 1:20 ESV

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.
Galatians 6:7‭-‬8 ESV

We will reap what we sow. What do I want to sow into my kids’ hearts and my heart?

Do You Know Your Kids?

Screaming and running, he tried to jump into the lazy river and pull away from his big brother who was keeping him safe, though he didn’t think so. He just wanted what he wanted.

Years ago, a scene like this with my boys would have resulted me getting angry, scolding, and probably yelling. I most likely would have given a consequence, resulting in more tantrums and a deep seated anger in my child.

Today, thankfully I’ve learned at least a little something. Not much… but a little. When this scene took place yesterday at the water park, I picked him up hugged him and told him it would be okay. I tried to get him to tell me what was making him so angry but he was too upset, so we sat down with some water and a snack to calm down. I gave him some squeezes because he’s a sensory seeker and needs firm hugs. I kissed him playfully in his face to get some smiles. Then a he ate he told me what was so upsetting. And I told him he cannot run off or scream when he’s angry, something that he isn’t going to learn right away, but we keep working on it.

Relationship. This word has been recurring in my life so much over the past 9 months. God has been speaking to me about how important they are and what they should look like. I’m learning to really study my kids and see who they are, how they respond to different situations, and what they need in their lives.

With Lukas, I’m learning his extreme emotions need my calmness and consistent love. He needs to know he’s loved in the midst of his outbursts. He needs strong squeezes and lots of affirming words. And he needs food. That sounds funny, but it’s true. His blood sugar gets low and he gets hangry!

It’s not easy to figure out all my kids. There are eleven of them, after all! And more will be added via marriage and eventually there will be grandkids to figure out. But what’s more eternal and more important than knowing the people God has put into our lives.

Our other pursuits in life, a job, a garden, homeschooling, friendships, and anything else, won’t measure up to us knowing our children well.

It takes time and dedication and energy. But the reward at the end will be beyond our imagination! A solid relationship with our kids, having their hearts, and knowing them well will get us through the difficult times in life, of which there will be many.

And, thankfully, God’s grace is sufficient for our shortcomings. I wasn’t very good at this when my oldest were little and we went through some really really hard things with one of them during the teen years. (You can read about it here. https://desiredhavenfarm.com/2019/10/02/a-privilege-to-share/) Though I’d done a lot to ruin my relationship with this child, God filled in the gaps and brought other people into his life that he needed. God also pushed him to still reach out to me and open up about his struggles so I could help him. God is good!

And, it’s never too late to really get to know your kids! Even if they aren’t little anymore, you can still discover their personalities, their needs, their likes and dislikes, and how you can have a strong relationship with them.

Here’s some things that have helped me: “The Five Love Languages”, “I Said This, You Heard That”, Marilyn Howshall at marilynhowshall.com, and God’s Word.

Light in the Midst of Crazy

I think about 50% of being a mom is cleaning up other people’s stuff. I mean, really. They leave toys, clothes, wrappers, games, laying everywhere. Sometimes there’s so many clothes in one spot I think a kid has been raptured!

Then 50% is wiping. Wiping faces, wiping hands, wiping butts, wiping spills. I should just carry a wet rag all day.

Then there’s about 10% fun. I know, doesn’t sound like a lot, but after all the picking up and wiping up there isn’t much time left in a day! (Don’t need to mention my math.)

Today we had a few moments of mostly fun. I say mostly because, if you’re a mom you know half of any fun time is you telling someone to “stop touching that”, “don’t put your hands in that”, “don’t wipe that on your shirt”.

It was egg dying day! I think overall we’ll call it a success. The two year old, after being told to gently put the egg in the cup, tossed it in, splattering dye all over, but hey, that’s to be expected, right?!

In the midst of egg dying, the bird that had been trapped in our chimney finally dropped down into the fireplace. Yeah, he’d only been trapped for 24 hours. Guess he couldn’t figure out which way to go in the darkness.

Pause egg dying…chase bird around house…catch bird…bird slips out of hand…chase bird again…catch bird… release bird.

Back to eggs. All in a day’s work, right.

Actually back to that bird in the darkness. It took him 24 hours sitting in a dark flue before he most likely accidentally dropped down the vertical portion into the fireplace.

Do you ever feel like you are in the darkness? Lost? Don’t know where to turn?

This weekend is the best weekend of all for anyone lost in the darkness! It’s Resurrection Weekend!

A friend of mine calls it tue Superbowl weekend of the Christian faith. The whole reason we have a faith and can be saved!

Jesus defeated the darkness. Jesus made a way through the darkness with His perfect light! Follow His Light, His Truth, His Way out of the darkness!

What started in a lowly manger, wound its way to a brutal cross, and then finished with an empty tomb is the greatest true story in history! There’s no greater Light in the darkness than Jesus’ victory over death!

Happy Resurrection Day! May all you moms out there find light in the midst of the crazy!

Is It Here?

Spring, I mean. Is it real? If you lived in Minnesota for any amount of time, you know to question this kind of weather in March! If we know anything, we know March is deceitful. They say March is “In like a lion, out like a lamb” and vise versa. But sometimes it’s just a cute quiet little lamb or so we think. Turns out it was just a wolf in sheep’s clothing the whole time! Then April comes, exposing the lie with cold, freezing rain, snow, and blustery wind.

But, right now, on a day like this, is hard to imagine it’ll go cold again. The sun feels warm on your skin, you can see grass (even if it is brown), birds are chirping, and even the breeze feels warm. I’ll take it.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about our days. We look forward to spring, planting the garden, seeing flowers come up, taking walks again. We are always looking ahead. But really, we aren’t guaranteed the days ahead. We only truly have today.

Am I living today for all is worth? Am I glorifying God in my actions today? Feeling overwhelmed and stressed with the spring project list? Getting frustrated with the kids who can’t figure out math? Answering texts instead of listening to my kids?

I have to remind myself I can’t get it all done today. I just can’t. And I have to remind myself that’s ok. I like to check boxes and see a to do list crossed off. There’s just all these little people keeping me from checking any boxes!

And yet, God is reminding me even as I write, that these little people should be at the top of my list! These little people are the only eternal work.

As the spring project list looms and I feel buried by it, I need to remember I only have today and I have a lot of important work to do with my kids. If the apple trees don’t get pruned, it’s ok. If the basement doesn’t get cleaned, it’s ok, if the laundry piles up, it’s ok. (I’m saying this on repeat to myself all day today. )

If you have a hard time, like me, keeping yourself from worrying about the to do list, take a deep breath with me, go outside, listen to the birds, feel the sun, and enjoy. Remember those birds never worry about what they are going to eat and they are always taken care of.

Here are some gorgeous wild flowers my aunt took photos of in Germany to get you by until ours start peeking through! These flowers never worry about what they will wear and, yet, are clothed more beautifully than any of us could ever be.

So, don’t worry. Don’t even worry if this is real spring or The Spring of Deception. Your Father in Heaven cares deeply for you and knows your worries. He also knows best and only wants good for you.

Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Impromptu Getaway

“I just need a change of scenery, need to do something different,” I stated to a friend.

“Me too,” she replied.

We both were feeling the weight of winter, the doldrums of cold and darkness and more cold. The kids were too cooped up and going stir crazy, making mom go crazy.

She’s the kind of friend I can tell my struggles too and she gets it. She knows I get her too. And what I love about her is when I told her this, she was like, well, let’s go somewhere.

A little while later, we were online finding a VRBO not too far away that would fit our two families. I’ve never pulled off a vacation that quickly. We tend to be planners, not spontaneous, jump in the car and go kind of people. It was fun just to plan something that fast and have something different to do.

Andrew took a couple days vacation, I canceled everything on the calendar, we threw clothes in bags and ran to the grocery store.

Two days later we were driving through a snow storm! A drive that should have taken 2 1/2 hours, took four through blinding snow and unplowed roads. But we made it.

We found a cabin nestled in the Mississippi River bluffs in the middle of nowhere Iowa. Didn’t really matter where we went, just that we went. But it was beautiful! And it was priceless to be with family and friends!

We did nothing and it was glorious! We ate, played games, watched movies, and stayed inside by the fire for two days. Going on vacation can be stressful, going with other families can be a lot to navigate, but not with these people. We get each other. We’re comfortable just sitting together or doing our own thing. And, very importantly, our kids love each other. They played together the entire time without fights or issue and loved every minute together.

We had some amazing laughs too, playing charades. Laughing with friends is such good medicine!

When we were leaving, her daughter said to mine, “I don’t want to leave this place. And even more, I don’t want to leave you.”

I felt the same way.

Everyone needs people to do life with. This life isn’t easy. We need people who get us, who love us, who see our need and take action. We need people who will tell us the truth and hold us accountable. We need people who will walk alongside us in trouble and in joy.

If you don’t have people like that in your life, be those people to someone else. Pray God gives you those people and pray he shows you who he wants you to come alongside. You’ll never regret it!