Author: desiredhavenfarm

Logbook, Date: January 82nd.

Morale is low. Troops are suffering apathetic moods. Low motivation to accomplish anything but holding down a couch. Three months ago eyes were alight with wonder and excitement as the first snow fell. Now, even the thought of another flake of snow is enough to send some cowering under beds.

No one gets up on time anymore. Everyone rolls around in bed, hoping they accidentally slept until the end of April. Get dressed? Why bother.

Rations are completely boring and unappetizing. Everything seems the same, everything tastes the same. Hotdish, crockpot, pizza, hotdish, crockpot, pizza. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Some have resorted to skipping meals, I think, out of complete boredom.

Dreams consist of bright sunshine, warm dirt, worms, plants poking through the soil to catch the rays. Most have forgotten what the sunshine even feels like it’s been so long. I even dreamt of hanging clothes on the line the other night. What is wrong with me?!

Landscape appears to have smoothed itself into one interminable plain. There are no ditches, no hills, no valleys. Everywhere is just a large white plain. Or maybe a sea of frozen waves. If anymore snow falls, there will be no where to push it. We’ve gotten stuck in our own driveway three times in the last week. Our. Own. Driveway. It’s like winter is saying, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS! (Not even out of your own driveway.)”

People used to look out and say, “oh, isn’t it pretty?” Now they scream, “For the love of everything, STOP SNOWING!”

You know it’s bad when the winter festival in the town nearby has been cancelled…because of winter. I can’t even…

Ah, but in the midst of the longest season of the year, God is near. Did you know that? I was reminded of that yesterday by my son. He asked me why I was so grumpy at everyone. Stop. Heart check.

Why am I being so grumpy? Honestly, it’s because of this weather. It’s because of the monotony. It’s because I’ve never liked winter and I really just survive it. The handbook for Reasons to Live in Minnesota has only one word: Family. (There are other great things about our state, but no one can think of them on January 82nd.)

I spent the day adjusting my low mood and thinking about it. I prayed about it too.

Then, true to His goodness, God reminded me of these two verses:

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Genesis 8:22 While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.

Hang on, dear friends!! Renew your strength in the Lord and remember spring is coming! I just might have to renew my strength multiple times a day right now so that I don’t grow weary and faint. But, we can do it! Hold on to His promise that the summer will always come!

Ever have a snowball effect?

We’ve been here 3 1/2 years now and the projects haven’t seemed to diminish. Some have been going on that long…

Like this one. When we moved in the basement was wet. I mean, really wet. And moldy. Just gross. We didn’t want to store anything down there. It was basically a whole lot of unusable space. But, we wanted to be able to use it. So we started waterproofing it. And by we I mean Andrew.

Because our water table is so high it’s moist down there for about 11 months of the year. Only in February, when the ground has frozen pretty much through to the molten lava, does it dry up down there. So, every winter we get as much waterproofing done as we can. It probably could have been done in one winter, but, well, life happens.

So, here we are, on winter number four, hoping to finish it up. And so begins the snowball. “Let’s clean out the last half of the basement to waterproof it.”

Seems simple enough. Except to clean it out means to move stuff to the other side of the basement. Yep, no big deal.

Except a couple months ago I went through the tubs of shoes I had stuffed in the attic and matched them up and laid them out in size order.

So, now they take up half the floor space on the other side of the basement. I’ve been thinking for a while about how to store these. Tubs just weren’t working. We couldn’t find the match, or we’d forget to look through and go buy new shoes. I wanted to actually make use of all these shoes for the younger kids, especially as farm shoes so they didn’t get their good ones totally trashed.

Okay, let’s put the shoes on shelving. Great. What shelving? Well, there’s all this shelving up already. It’s just covered in jars and jars of applesauce because we had a bumper crop this fall and I made applesauce until I thought I’d never want to smell or see or taste applesauce again…

Guess where I wanted all that applesauce stored? You guessed it, in the cold cellar…where I needed shelves.

The other half of the other side of the basement has been filling up with bags and boxes and bags and boxes. No, I’m not a hoarder! We’ve been collecting donations so the kids can have a garage sale and raise money for their mission trips this summer. We’ve been so blessed by so many who have brought over donations! But they have to store somewhere until this winter ends. (Will it end?)

I have to sort through all this and get it priced too, mind you. And there’s no room with the shoes spread everywhere. You can even see the edge of the shoe store in the corner of this photo! I’m telling you…snowball turning into an avalanche.

If anyone knows me, you know how orderly I am. I’m the epitome of a type A. Keep it neat. Put it away. Don’t keep too much stuff. This is about killing me!!!

So, in order to waterproof the basement, things need to be moved to this half that is already waterproofed. In order to moved things in here, garage sale stuff needs to be gone through and organized and some of it needs to be moved to the shed. In order to go through the garage sale stuff the shoes need to be moved. In order to moved the shoes the applesauce needs to move. In order to move the applesauce I need shelves.

Yep, the shelves I’ve been wanting since the beginning of time (okay, just since we moved in)!

Enter my awesome hubby who didn’t want to do anything today…

Guess what that is???

THOSE ARE MY SHELVES GOING IN MY COLD CELLAR!!!!

I might be just a little excited. As I type I can hear the drill going! Woohoo!

The avalanche is still blasting down the hill at full speed, but at least there’s an amazing man with a solution at hand!

Isn’t homesteading fun?!

January 8th.

It’s just another day for many. Just another frigid, blustery winter day in Minnesota.

But, for me, it’s not just another day. And I know many of you have one of those days, where it’s not just another day in your history.

Today, seventeen years ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long!) my life changed drastically.

I still remember having lunch with my sister and a good friend and getting a phone call. “The doctor said you should probably come to the hospital,” my dad said shakily.

“Now?” I asked.

“Eat your lunch, then come. It should be fine,” he replied.

I could barely eat. I remember fighting tears through lunch, my stomach in knots. I’m sure my sister felt the same way. I remember vividly our friend, with tears streaming down her face, saying, “you girls are so strong.” I didn’t feel strong.

I felt like my world was crumbling around me. My footing felt shaky and uncertain. My future seemed dark. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to face it, yet, I wanted to get there faster than my van could go. I wanted to just be there by her side, holding her hand. I wanted to talk to her and have her smile at me again.

By the time my sister and I, with twin 5 month old babies in tow, made our way to the cities and got to the hospital, I was panicky. How was I supposed to face life without her. How was I going to raise two boys without her help and advice, without her strong, steady hands to cuddle them and lead me.

We ran into some friends in the hall of the hospital. They were crying and kept saying, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry” and hugging us. For some reason it didn’t register. I wonder at that sometimes. How did I not clue in? Denial, maybe. She was so strong, so confident, so steady. I guess I was sure in my heart she was going to fight and win this side of heaven. So, I hugged them, but I was confused.

On we walked. Hospital hallways are the longest pathways in life, I think. They seem to go on for eternity when all you want to do is get to your loved one.

We walked in to the ICU, where nurses met us and took the babies. “We’ll play with them a little while.” They all had tears in their eyes too. Still, it didn’t register. I thought it was odd, but kind of them.

Then, in we walked. In to the most depressed, down-trodden faces I’ve ever encountered. My dad, my grandma, my husband. All just standing in her room. When they all turned and looked at Miriam and I, it was as though the final bricks came tumbling down.

“She’s gone,” my grandma whispered.

Screaming.
Sobbing.
Knees hitting the floor.
Arms wrapping around my sister and I.
Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.
Yelling NO! over and over.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” whispered in our ears.

“I’m so sorry,” repeated to us.

Seventeen years is a long time. And yet, when this day comes around, I’m transported back and everything is so vivid as if it happened yesterday. I can even remember the way the afternoon light was coming through her hospital room window. I can remember the sorrowful faces. I still hear our cries. It’s amazing how a moment can become so etched in your mind, forever searing itself in your memory, and brought to life so clearly after so much time.

Sometimes I am still in awe that I lost my mom all that time ago. There’s still part of me that finds it hard to believe. Most days I can say it without a catch in my voice and a tear in my eye. But some days, like today, it’s more painful than usual.

You see, she wasn’t just anybody. I know, I could say she was amazing. She was the best mom. She was the best friend. And she was all those. But there aren’t quite words to tell you accurately what she was like. If you knew her, you get it. She was extraordinary. But she thought she was ordinary. She was unassuming and humble, yet if you look at her life, she was so unbelievably wonderful. And she really was the best friend I ever had.

And I still miss her. Every. Single. Day. That won’t ever go away, I suppose. And that’s okay. I don’t want to forget her or stop missing her. I want her to live on in my mind and life because she deserves that.

It’s not all sad, you know. She knew Jesus in this life and so there is this great, unshaking hope in the midst of the pain. What I sometimes find amazing is the very friend we were having lunch with when my mom was dying was the very friend who led my mom to Jesus. God is like that, isn’t He? So perfect in His timing and placing of people in our lives.

I know my mom was healed in that moment from an awful cancer and she went to dance with Jesus. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt she’s praising Jesus in heaven and I’ll get to see her again.

In that moment, when she died and my grandma said, “it’ll be okay” I didn’t believe her. How could it possibly be okay?

But, you know what? It is okay. It’s more than okay. It’s wonderful. Life is strange and hard and painful, but it’s also good and amazing and surprising. God has given me an amazing family to do this life with! I couldn’t be more blessed with who He’s filled my life with. He didn’t leave me alone in that moment and He has never left me alone since and I’m so thankful.

In the midst of pain and sorrow, there is always joy and hope. Always. Especially if we know Jesus.

Well, it’s been a while! My, oh my, the Christmas season is busy! No matter how you slice it, this time of year rushes by so quickly. We’ve been intentional the last few years about having one full day for just our family. Otherwise, we find that our family time gets squished in here and there and there’s no joy in it.

I remember years where we would rush the kids to open their gifts from us so we could get out the door to the next Christmas get together. They’d have to rip off the wrapping, look at their gift, and then set it aside. No time to play or enjoy it. I really didn’t like that and I know they didn’t either.

It’s not always the same day in the Christmas season but we make sure there is one. This year it was Christmas eve. We had the whole day to spend together! I loved it. For the extrovert teenager it was painful :). Oh, to have to spend a whole day with just my family! How awful!

I take it in stride though. I remember those years where I wanted to be with friends, not family and I came back around to a healthier balance. I know he loves us and he did have fun after all.

We played games, went to a movie, opened gifts and then enjoyed them and had time to play with them. Then in the evening I set the table with a red and white snowflake tablecloth, candles, and Christmas dishes. I made my Oma’s famous lasagna and we turned out the lights and ate by candle light. Sounds fancy and almost romantic, right?

Well, you have to remember there were 10 kids around the table! So, blowing lightly to see if the candles would flicker, spilled milk and water, whining about what was served, hopping up and down from their seats, and general chaos was involved. But for a moment, it was beautiful. Andrew and I glanced at each other in the midst of it and the look said, this is good, this is beautiful, this is right. (Of course, the chaos didn’t allow me to even think for a moment about snapping a photo of it!)

Whatever your Christmas brought you, I hope you found a moment of peace, a moment of pure joy, in the Christmas season. I hope that, as our pastor shared, you were surprised anew by the reason we celebrate. Even in the midst of busyness, chaos, or even pain, Jesus can break through and give us that moment of peace. He can give us the reminder that it is good.

As usher in a new year, my hope and prayer is to seek more of that peace and goodness from Jesus. I am challenging myself this year to look more at Him and less at the world around me. I am challenging myself to dig more into His Word and Truth and find my contentment there. I extend that challenge to you as well!

We are going to begin a year long chronological Bible reading with lots of other believers! I’m so excited to have a plan to really get into the Word everyday. I know I’ll have days I fail but I’m determined to jump back on the wagon anytime I fall off. Come along for the ride! Everyone is welcome!

Go over to my friend Becca’s blog, http://www.joyfullybecca.com and read her latest blog about this Bible reading! It’s going to be a great journey!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

It’s one of those years. A lean year. A year where it seems more money has gone out than come in. And now Christmas is upon us. I love this time of year, but thinking of buying all those gifts has me stressed out this year. I don’t want to just use a credit card and hope to pay it off later. That won’t alleviate the stress, even if it gives one day of happiness.

We mentioned to our kids that it would be a light year for presents. They get it. They know the season isn’t just about presents anyway. We’ve taught them the true meaning of Christmas and will continue to do so. But presents are a lot of fun. I get it! My love language is giving and receiving gifts, so it’s painful for me not to buy gifts for everyone around me. I have ideas circling constantly in my head about what I could give this child or that friend and I have to restrain myself because the bank account says so.

When we told our kids they’d each get one small gift this year the first response from my two oldest was, “just take money from my account, Mom. You can take whatever you need.” I got so choked up by that. Their very first, matter-of-fact response was to be generous and give away what they had to make someone else happy! I got all teary and just wanted to hug them for their sweet hearts. Of course, I’m not taking money from my kids. They work hard for that and it’s theirs, but their willingness to be giving spoke volumes to me.

Instead, I decided to start making barn wood signs to make a little extra money so we could afford some gifts for Christmas. When I shared that with my kids my ten year olds jumped on it right away! “We’re going to help! We want to make signs too!” And there they were, right beside me on my work bench designing their own signs to sell. They’ve also been making art work to sell too! It’s the most endearing thing to watch them all get on board and work together. They have had such cheerful hearts about the whole situation.

Then the other evening one of my boys said, “I’m going to be a little late coming home after work tonight.” When we asked why he mentioned he was going to Target to buy us Christmas gifts. I couldn’t believe it. He was so excited to go buy his mom and dad something. He had the biggest grin on his face and was proud that he could do that! I again got teary.

My kids aren’t perfect and I’m not trying to tout them as such. I am just so blown away by who they are at their cores. I am not a great mom. I yell, I get angry too often. I am impatient and frustrated a lot of the time. And yet, somehow, these kids are doing okay. Not okay…amazing! They have the most generous hearts and a willingness to go above and beyond that has convicted me.

The lessons I learn from my kids sometimes surprise me. It surprises me because I didn’t teach them that. I didn’t teach my kids to be generous, at least not intentionally. I’ve tried to teach them to share and be kind. But I haven’t ever thought through, “I want my kids to be generous so we are going to do …. to get them there.” I have to give credit to the Lord. He’s the one who is instilling these amazing traits in my kids. And, through them, teaching me some good life lessons!

If anyone is interested in barn wood signs (made with authentic ancient barn wood from right here on our property) or art work I’ll be at the Artisan Show at the VFW in Faribault this coming Saturday. I’ll also take custom orders!

I recently attended a women’s bible study at church. The first day, one of the questions was, what do you want to get from this study? Everyone around the table expressed their desire for community. Most of us at the table were introverts, yet the most important thing we all needed was connection to others. The answers sounded a little different but they all pointed to one thing. Community.

I’ve been thinking a lot about community and what it really means lately. It has changed drastically over the years, of course, as many things have. Community used to mean a group of people living near each other, helping each other, doing life together. People relied on those nearest them and it often meant relying on family because those were the people living on the farms next door.

Now, many think of community as the people they have met over the years and keep in touch with on Facebook. Even if they live states apart or on different continents they may think of those people as part of their community.

Some think of community as something totally different. Maybe they live miles away from family and their church has become their community they rely on. While the times have changed and community looks differently, I’ve discovered the need for it hasn’t. We all need community, true community. We all need to feel a part of a group and be able to rely on people around us. And,  I think we all want to give back to people too. I know I do.

Today we had to butcher 100 chickens. It wasn’t exactly my plan. Over the summer we had a batch of birds but many died so we ended up without enough to feed our family so shortly before the baby was born I ordered 100 more. What could possibly go wrong?? (Don’t ever ask that question!)

By the time they were big enough to be butchered the meat markets in the area were done butchering for the season so it fell on us to butcher. I was dreading it. I was loathing the idea.

About a month ago we had dinner with a group of people with some of the same interests in homesteading as we do. It was fun night and during conversation we mentioned these birds we had to deal with. It’s so funny…there are plenty of groups of people where mentioning butchering would be met with cringes and grimaces. Not this group! Eyes lit up, people sat forward. Oh yeah? You have to butcher you say?! I’d love to do that! What a weird thing to be excited about!

Today, as that same group of people came out to our house in 5 degree weather sporting Carhartts, boots, and hats (and looking quite fashionable I might add), I realized what community is. It looks like that. Just like that! It looks like one family having a need and other families stepping in willingly and cheerfully to fill that need. It’s not asking for anything in return but company and the knowledge that when they have a need it’ll be filled.

All week I was dreading this butchering. I knew it was going to be frigid out. I knew we were going to have problems. I knew something wouldn’t work right. I was literally anxious all week.

I lifted those anxious thoughts up to the Lord all week and asked Him to bless the work of our hands.

And you know what? He answered every prayer. Not one thing went wrong. He even went above and beyond and let the sun shine right on our space. He gave Andrew the wisdom to make a warm tent and He even had the foresight to give us a heated space in the barn three years ago when we moved in. And the best of all? He gave us a group of homesteaders who were eager and willing to help! There was laughter, smiles, good conversation and lots of productivity!

To top it off and add blessing on top of blessing, we were done in record time! Less than two hours and we were done with 100 birds!

I don’t mind Facebook to keep in touch. I like to see what everyone’s up to. But it’s not really community. What we experienced today was real community and I loved it! Thanks, homesteading friends! I guess we need a name for our club!! 🙂

Recently I was watching this video that was really quite hilarious. This guy was supposed to be cleaning his house, but got distracted by a skein of yarn and knitting needles. So he decides to learn how to knit from YouTube and videos himself while doing it. It’s pretty funny. You can watch it for yourself if you have random free time (like me): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXRj7RSgoN4

At one point his end yarn is too short and he grabs it and says, “I need more of this in my life.” It’s one of those phrases that have been going around a lot lately and it generally makes me laugh because people use it for really non-essential things…like yarn.

I need more of this in my life. As we point to coffee.

I need more of this in my life. As we hold up a giant, delicious, slice of chocolate cake.

I need more of ______ in my life. What do you put in that blank? A clean house, a sleeping baby, a mocha, a vacation…the list goes on.

It’s a funny phrase but it got me thinking. What do I really need more of in my life? What makes my wheels turn? What gets me going? And keeps me going?

There’s many things I think will satisfy me but I’m going with the Sunday school answer on this one. Really the only thing that fills that blank is Jesus.

I need more of this in my life. As I hold up the Word of God and point to Jesus.

Maybe it sounds cliché. Maybe it sounds corny. Maybe it even sounds unachievable. But it’s sooooooo true! We need more of Jesus in our lives.

I bet you are asking how?? I know, believe me, I know. We are all busy, sometimes insanely so. I sometimes don’t stop running from the time I get up to the time my head hits the pillow and I’m still not done with my work. But I know the truth. I need more of this in my life.

I need more time with Him. I need more of His Spirit in me. I need more of His truth, not the world’s. I need more of His Word hidden in my heart.

We are all busy. But we are all busy with what we choose to make a priority. If activities for our kids are important to us, we make time for them. If music lessons are a priority in our minds we find time to fit them in. If playdates are at the top of the list, we make time for those. So, do we make time for Jesus? Is he a priority? Is His truth at the top of our lists?

I’m not just asking you. Don’t feel like I’m judging you. I’m really writing to myself here. I’m asking myself these questions.

Just a couple weeks ago we were talking about this at Bible study. One lady said she has quotes she likes taped inside her cabinet doors. And as she shared that she asked out loud, “Why aren’t they verses?”

We all got excited about printing verses or handwriting them and taping them inside our cabinet doors. Then every time you go for that much needed coffee cup you can read a little of God’s truth. I know another woman who tapes them to the dashboard of her car. Just don’t read and drive, people! You can get the YouVersion Bible app to send you a verse of the day. You can get devotions in your inbox.

Mamas, we can do this. We can be busy, raise our kids, run to activities, make supper, do laundry, AND get more Jesus in our lives.

Because we all know what we really need more of in our lives. While coffee is good (okay, awesome) and clean floors would be a dream come true, what we really need is more of this in our lives… Jesus.

Have you ever felt all alone? Have you ever thought, “No one will understand if I share what I’m going through?” What about this thought, “People will run from me if they knew what I was dealing with.”

I want you to know, those are lies! Lies Satan uses to isolate you and get you to feel as if you are alone so he can work his cunning deceit on you.

How do I know this? I’ve been there, my friend.

About 8 years ago I was dealing with depression. And pretty badly too. It’s still hard to talk about…I think because of the stigma surrounding mental health issues. Too many believe that people should just pick themselves up and brush themselves off and just stop wallowing already. To be honest, I had those thoughts myself about those struggling with depression before I had it.

I’ve decided though, that it needs to be talked about. I remember about seven years ago I had been struggling for about a year and it really came to a head. I had suicidal thoughts and they scared me, a lot. I finally felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit one night at small group to open up and share what had been going on. I fought it all evening but by the end of our time I knew I had to speak up. A friend was going to close us in prayer quickly to end the night, but before she did I asked if they’d pray for me. I shared a little about my depression and the negative thoughts that had been swirling in my mind for months. They gathered around me and prayed.

It didn’t instantly cure my depression, but it did start to chip away at the lie that no one would understand and they’d all run from me if I opened up. They didn’t run, they didn’t even cringe. They laid their hands on me and lifted me up.

The next day, one of the wonderful ladies from my group came over and asked me some very pointed questions, one of them being, “Have you thought about killing yourself?” I hadn’t known how to share that in group. I was startled by the bluntness of the question and yet thankful for it. It gave me the chance to truly share the depth of my struggles. She asked because she got it. She’d been there. She knew how it felt to be in that place. She knew others could get there. And she had made it through. It gave me so much hope to know someone else had been struggling just like me and had found freedom from it. Again, it chipped away at those lies that had been holding me back from talking to anyone. Satan’s hold on me was starting to break, little by little.

It also freed me to share it with my hubby, something I had been way too scared to do. I’m not sure, now looking back, why I was so terrified to tell him. I think I didn’t want to worry him and I didn’t want him to see me so weak. I also think Satan was using it as a way to isolate me further. More lies…your hubby wouldn’t understand, he wouldn’t want to deal with it. Thank the Lord he just hugged me and helped me through it all.

There were many other women after that moment with whom I shared what I was going through. And so many of them nodded and hugged me and said, “I get it, I’ve been there.” I was shocked at the number of people who’d been right where I was, struggling so very much. I truly had believed the lie that I was all alone.

I share all this because I want you to know you are not alone. If you believe you are all alone, know it’s a lie straight from the devil. He wants to isolate you, get you to believe there’s no one to help you, no one to understand so that he can continue to drag you down. He wants you to believe it’s all your fault and if you’d just try harder you wouldn’t be such a failure. He wants you to believe that everyone would run from you if they knew.

Oh, but if we can just believe the truth! We need each other so much. Community is everything! Community helps encourage us, lifts us up, helps us realize we aren’t alone, gives us hope that brighter days will come, turns us to Jesus over and over, and gives us what we need. God uses community around us to do all these things and to teach us about himself. When we are surrounded by others that we can bare our souls to, we can be healed of so much. And when we realize we aren’t alone, oh, the hope that gives!

Hebrews 10:24-25