Author: desiredhavenfarm

If you’ve found yourself unexpectedly thrust into the whole idea of having your kids at home for the next couple weeks and needing things to do, I see you.

There have been plenty of memes going around making fun of this situation, but I honestly don’t think they are very funny. Making light of someone else’s stressful and unexpected situation doesn’t help anything. In fact, it just puts up walls. I won’t do that. What I will say, is I have compassion for you.

I think we’ve all been there, where our plans look good and organized and then, because of something out of our control, it all falls apart. I understand that feeling of anxiety, rushing to figure things out, praying, feeling overwhelmed.

I can easily remember back to when my oldest were four and I was debating homeschooling. I had a full year to research, listen to the wisdom of others, go to conferences and homeschool meetings, and think it through. I still felt anxious and unsure of my choices and if it would even work.

If I felt anxious with a year of prep work, I can only imagine the anxiety that comes with having it all thrust upon you with hardly a moment’s notice. There’s no time to plan, no time to research, no time to adjust. I feel for you.

I don’t have any easy answers. I’m assuming that most of the public schools will provide online learning so you don’t have to gather curriculum and do all that leg work. That helps. But it’s only one facet of having your kids suddenly at home. Suddenly your children have much less interaction with their friends and teachers. They might have to be home unsupervised if you have to work, and we all know how well siblings get along all day, right? You’ll probably have a lot of down time because they’ll be able to get work done quicker than at school. You may even be scrambling to figure out childcare so you can work.

None of this is easy on any of us. I feel for those of you having to quickly change up your daily schedule and hope for the best. Those of us who have been homeschooling a long time don’t have all the answers, but hopefully we can offer encouragement if you reach out to us. Hopefully we can offer some insights and hope.

Here’s some fun you can have online and virtually to learn and pass some time!

Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden is offering a free Home Safari Facebook Live each weekday at 3pm, featuring one of their animals. Check it out on their FB page.

The Rustic Orchid Creative Workshop is offering free art lessons for your kids! How fun!

Here’s another with free art lessons:McHarper Manor

The Metropolitan Opera will live stream shows so you can enjoy them in your home! https://www.playbill.com/article/metropolitan-opera-after-shutting-its-doors-will-offer-free-streams-from-live-in-hd-catalog?fbclid=IwAR0wDHrxGizhjCUNPx1IYfGZ9wZupVgQVxBGLahFz7jHUg_C1ROAFVXBSTk

Some museums are even offering virtual tours! https://www.travelandleisure.com/attractions/museums-galleries/museums-with-virtual-tours?fbclid=IwAR1X3pvz-CjKOUQNVvOTANq3VjNRkG4Paan4ePNi7slDPhPGQ0YrQw5C1II

I’m sure there are many more out there! I hope if you find something of interest, you share it and keep the encouragement flowing. Together, as a community lifting one another up, we can get through this. In the midst of social distancing, there can be more unity than ever!

We just got back from a few days of vacation, which were much needed here. We’ve been so busy. I’m sure you can all say the same. Whether you have 2 children, or 10, we find ways to fill our time, don’t we?

This year has been crazier than most. I think part of it is that our kids are getting older and are into more activities. I try to be really careful what we say yes to. We typically don’t do sports, unless the child can drive themselves. We don’t say yes to everything, and yet, I think we’ve said yes to too much this year. I feel over busy and it’s starting to rob my joy.

My oldest two are about to graduate high school, which pains me to write. I am somehow so sad they’ve gotten this old. I feel like I missed their life somehow even though I was there the whole time. Maybe it’s because they are the oldest and I was so busy with babies for so many years, they just had to grow up fast. Anyway, we’ve been researching choices for next year – trade school, community college, work. And trying to figure out the best way to give them their own rooms. With 10 children, they’ve always had to share and it’s time they have their own space, especially if they are going to live at home while going to college.

The next four have gotten to the ages where they want to try activities, which is great except we live 20 minutes from everything. They’ve gotten into theater lately which is so fun and so time consuming! I attend a dance class with my daughter who needs a little extra time with mom. Three are in the public school band. It’s all good, but it all adds up.

Then there are four littles who need mom’s attention. Read with me, help me with math, play this game with me.

Oh, and they all need to eat. All. The. Time.

Then there’s just all the regular household chores. Don’t get me wrong, my kids do a lot. They know how to clean the house on Saturday morning, clean up the kitchen after every meal, haul in wood for the fire, take care of the animals and their siblings, and whatever else needs doing.

Still, someone, namely mom, needs to be the frontal lobe for the entire family! Just keeping straight who goes where at what time can make my head spin.

Could we all just stay home? Yes, we could. And we’ve had years where we haven’t done much and have stayed home a lot. But that gets lonely. And I see value in the things we do say yes to. I guess that’s what it comes down to, right? Is there a good reason to say yes? And you can’t use ‘fear of missing out’ as a reason. That’s not a good reason!

If you fall into bed at night exhausted, yet can’t sleep because of the to-do list for the next day running through your mind, I feel you. If you feel frazzled and yet satisfied, I get you. If you wonder if you’re doing enough or too much or the right things or the wrong things, I’m right there with you. If you are so busy it’s starting to pull you down, I get it.

I don’t have any easy answers. I guess one, we need to be better at saying no. If we’re overwhelmed already we need to be okay with saying no to the next thing that comes along. I know that’s easier said than done, but the life we want for our family doesn’t just happen. We have to set boundaries and say no in order for their to be margin.

I always try to look long term, so two, we need to realize that this season will rush by so quickly. I am still trying to grab ahold of the last 18 years that whizzed by and am wrestling with my twin boys graduating. It’s scary how fast time goes. So, I like to look to those who have gone before and see what they’ve done. Maybe that means paring down to enjoy moments together at home. Maybe it means saying yes to activities because you want your child to enjoy experiencing new things. For me, it’s a healthy balance.

And three, we need to be there for each other. Build a support system of amazing homeschool moms around you. And be encouraging to each other. Cheer each other on! Give that mama next to you a compliment. Tell her she’s doing a great job. Help her drive her kids or organize her school room or just go have coffee with her and listen to her fears and joys surrounding her kids. Be that friend you want. We can’t do this alone, homeschool mamas!

I’ll leave you with this: 1 Corinthians 10:31

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

He’s the One we’re living for, He’s the One we should ask and allow to direct our paths, and He’s the One we should glorify in all we do.

Well, it’s been forever since I’ve posted something. I don’t know why, but I’ve been in a dry spell. Just can’t think of anything to say. Life is kind of just cruising along at about 100mph. The days blur into each other and sometimes I think I’m in the movie Groundhog Day…each day like the one before. I know I should be thankful for that. Mundane means everyone is healthy and accounted for.

I thought I’d speak to you fellow homeschool moms for a few posts. Sometimes I forget that HUGE part of my life and the fact that I’ve been doing it for 14 years now. Not that that means I have it figured out…cuz I don’t! Every year something changes. Every month I am shocked that so much time has flown by. Every day I question if I’m doing the right thing.

You’re not alone, homeschool mom. I see you. I get you. I feel you.

I think I’ll do a series special for you moms. If you have anything specific you want to know, please tell me!

Right now, I want to dispel a myth that runs rampant among us moms. I bet you’ve thought this, said it out loud, and believed it wholeheartedly. (If not, good for you.) Here it is:

My kid is behind.

You’re nodding your head right now, aren’t you? You’re probably even saying, “But, Sarah, my kid actually is behind.”

I want to ask you some questions I have had to wrestle with myself.

What do you mean behind? Behind in a subject? Behind emotionally or socially?

How do you know your child is behind? Who or what are you comparing your child to?

I’m guessing you are comparing your child to other kids, whether homeschooled or public schooled. I did it too. A lot. And I can only tell you one thing, as a good friend.

Stop. Just stop.

If 3rd graders are doing division and your 3rd grader isn’t, who cares? Who put that standard in place for all 3rd graders to begin with? Did that random board of supposed experts know your child? Did they know any children for that matter? Did they or do they know your life experiences? Do they have any idea what your child is exceling in?

If your child is a slow reader or has a hard time at math, does that mean he or she is actually behind? Or is comparison just robbing your joy with your child and causing you both to be frustrated?

I have kids who have learned to read at 5, others who haven’t learned until 8. I have children who are amazing artists but cry if you ask them to read a book! I have kids who excel in math and others who could take apart an engine and put it back together, but if you gave that child a math book there would be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Does this mean that I don’t have the one who dislikes math, do math? Of course not. But, if there’s frustration and tears, put away the math, put away the standards you are pressuring yourself with, put away the pressure from the outside world (including family), and do something your child enjoys. Then come back to math.

One of my kids never liked school, never. He cried, he would hide his books, he would lie that he’d done a subject when he hadn’t. But you give that kid some tools and he could figure out just about anything. I can’t do that. That’s a gift, a unique gift that he’ll use for the rest of his life and probably make a good living with.

All those years, I fretted, worried, yelled, argued and put undue pressure on…guess what. He’s going to be okay. He’s going to turn out well and be able to stand on his own two feet.

I have another one that, right now, can’t walk up the 17 steps to the second floor, into his room and get dressed without getting completely distracted. I’ll find him 20 minutes later building an elaborate marble works with half his pajamas still on. Drives me batty. Had he been my first child, I would have worried, yelled, pleaded (let’s face it, I’m sometimes still do that), but I am learning now that it’s a beautiful part of his gifting and personality. He is always, always, always thinking, wondering, questioning the world around him. What if I did this? What if I changed that?

When I stop to listen to his ideas I’m amazed at how smart he is. Does he run on a different clock? Uh, yeah. Can that be annoying when we’re trying to get out the door? Definitely. But, is he behind? No. He’s just who God created him to be.

Your child is unique. No one on earth is just like your little boy or little girl. Don’t you forget that. And because of that, comparing your child to any other person on this planet is unfair. You simply can’t do it! Because it’s like comparing an elephant to a monkey or a steak to an apple. They are so different it’s impossible.

This meme is silly, and yet it’s exactly what we’re doing when we compare.

I leave you with this: Psalm 139. These words are God’s about you and your child. And they are true.

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

This week. Oh my, what a week. There have been so many frustrations this week. Arguments, negative thoughts, things breaking down. Andrew was blessed with a new car before Christmas and a couple weeks ago the heat went out. He had it flushed and then he had heat! For about a week. So, he texted me earlier this week, “no heat in the car again”.

Spent an entire day arguing with one of my children. Probably mostly my fault because I had a bad attitude.

The furnace quit running one morning. It’s been doing this about once a month, but this time it was only two weeks. Thankfully it restarts when I reset it, but it’s frustrating and I often wonder, “which of these times will it just not restart?”

Then yesterday morning we didn’t have hot water. It’s a brand new hot water heater so it better not quit! Later in the day it worked fine again. Never had a good reason why it did that.

Today, my son put his car in the ditch on the side of our driveway. You can’t even tell the driveway from the ditches and fields…it’s just one flat, cold, white, tundra, so I can’t blame him.

Andrew texted me and said he dropped a pallet of shingles at work this morning too. So, he spent unnecessary time cleaning up his mess.

Everyone has been contrary with me. If I offer advice, they know better. If I make a suggestion, there’s a reason it won’t work.

I recognize it for what it is. Sometimes I miss it. But this morning, I saw it clearly. I know what’s happening.

You see, we’re about to embark on a new journey. We’re starting a Bible Study this evening with some other couples. We’re going to dig into Truth. We’re going to pursue God. We’re going to pray.

And Satan wants nothing more than to stop it all. He would love to make us discouraged enough to call it off. He’d love to make us so exhausted with extraneous things that we don’t feel we have time for God. I see it. I’m calling him on it. And I’m saying, “Get behind me, Satan! You don’t get the victory on this one!”

If we are complacent and apathetic with our spiritual walk, Satan has no reason to attack. We’re doing a good job stopping ourselves from growing at that point so he doesn’t need to put in much effort. But, if we step out and say, yes, this is important, I need to spend time with God and other Christians, then Satan sees that and steps up his game.

Often I don’t recognize it quickly and I get sucked into the discouragement of his lies. It’s happened enough times in my life now, that I’m starting to see the pattern and recognize it earlier.

What’s interesting in it all, is that it actually brings me joy. I can look at this week and say with confidence, I must be doing God’s work because Satan has stepped up his game. I can know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. And all those “bad” things that have happened this week fade and become almost laughable. I can rise above them because the victory is always God’s!

You see this saying everywhere. T-shirts, memes, signs. It’s a common phrase seen and uttered. I’ve been thinking about it lately as we help our eighteen year olds make decisions for their future. It’s not always an easy discussion and there can be anxiety tied to it as they try to decide what to pursue. But, to be honest, we haven’t once told our boys to “follow your heart”.

Why not? Well, at first it may seem like good advice. Follow your heart can mean follow what you’re passionate about. It can mean do what you want to do. It can mean figure out what you’re good at and do that. But, ultimately, if we look at what the Bible says about our hearts, well then… we see that this really isn’t good advice at all.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” I don’t want my kids to “follow their hearts” because our hearts can’t be trusted. We are selfish beings, pushed about by our selfish desires. We really actually have to fight against our hearts and seek what God wants us to do instead. It seems easier to just do what we want or pursue what we are passionate about, but it may not be what God wants for our lives.

So, then what are we supposed to do?

“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will opened to you.” Matthew 7:7

“Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” Joshua 1:7-8

We need to encourage our children, not to follow their heart, but to pursue God, his wisdom, and his Word. It struck me in these verses that if we remain in His Word AND obey it, then we will be successful and prosperous. It’s fully possible that what my boys need to do in life isn’t necessarily what they are totally passionate about.

In reality, passions change with time. They also change with ability. Look at athletes. They can’t be star athletes their entire lives. Why not? Because they age, their abilities lessen as their body ages and changes. It might be a passion and they can enjoy it, but it doesn’t mean it will sustain them their entire life.

I know a man who is amazingly gifted with the guitar and music. His desire was to be part of a Christian band, but after a while God closed that door. While it was sad for him, he also saw more clearly the path God really wanted him to pursue and he’s working hard for Jesus daily. He still loves music and worship and finds time for it, but just because it’s a passion, doesn’t mean it had to be his career.

I think often of this in the morning when I wake up. I usually wake up with the weight of my day on me before I even get out of bed. I usually pray about it, about all the busyness, about the attitudes I’m about to face. Honestly, many days, if I were following my heart, my kids would be heading off to school on the big yellow bus. But, I’m not called to follow my heart. I’m called to follow my God. And he asks me to keep my kids at home, teaching them his ways, truth, and commands. It doesn’t look the same for everyone. You have to ask God what your path is.

We’ve tried to instill in our boys that it’s okay to pursue what your good at and what you find interesting if 1) that’s where God wants you and 2) if it will provide you a good income. There are plenty of interests that will never provide a good income and should just remain a hobby.

Maybe instead of “Follow Your Heart” the t-shirts, signs, memes should say “Pursue Your God”. After all, that’s what we were put on earth for.

My kitchen is nothing to write home about. It was added onto the house in 1950 and, well, it’s still from 1950. It’s maybe a little better than when we moved in when it was all dark wood and dark paint on the walls. Andrew and I spent days repainting the doors and trim of the cabinets white so it would brighten up the room. I painted the walls a cheerful yellow, because, well, I love yellow. Andrew added an island from a freebie cabinet and counter. It doesn’t match at all.

Then there was that time the ceiling was leaking. That was fun. The washer pipe fitting on the second floor had been leaking probably since it was installed and I walked into the kitchen one day to a puddle on the floor and drips coming from the ceiling. Andrew poked a hole in the soggy ceiling and water just poured and poured into the kitchen. So, we tore the ceiling out and put up bead board. It doesn’t really look pretty.

It works. In reality, we’ve wanted to remodel that kitchen since we moved in. It’s kind of becoming a need more than a want with as decrepit as it’s getting. Someday. For now, I’m glad my friends don’t care how mismatched and DIY it looks. They still come over and talk!

A few days ago a friend stopped by to pick something up. It was a quick grab and go that turned into an hour and a half! We didn’t mean to. Her kids, I’m sure, were wondering where mom had gone off to. Mine were happy I was distracted and they didn’t have to do school for a little while. But, there we were, standing in the kitchen for an hour and a half.

Honestly, I don’t remember everything we talked about. We jumped subjects, came back around to earlier conversations, didn’t really solve any world problems, and just chatted.

But, really, the conversation itself didn’t matter as much as the relationship. We could just chat about anything and everything, building each other up along the way. I don’t even remember the specific compliment now that she gave me, but I do remember it bolstering me and cheering me for the rest of the day. I hope I did the same for her.

After she left, I thought about how many times I’ve stood in my kitchen talking and laughing and just enjoying company. I love to do life with others. I love to build them up and encourage them when I can. I love when they do that for me. And, so often, it happens in my kitchen.

I would encourage you, if you struggle like I do with perfectionism, to just let it go. Let go of the fact that your kitchen isn’t perfect, or your house isn’t clean, or your decorations aren’t just right. Nobody cares as much as you do. I, for one, would rather spend time with you than not and it doesn’t matter to me if your house is Parade of Homes worthy or not. Mine certainly isn’t and never will be!

By the time my kids move out and I could have nice things, I’ll have grandchildren. And, believe me, I’d rather have those wonderful people around me than Pottery Barn décor!

As Christmas approaches, let it go! Let go the pressure and just enjoy the people God has put in your life.

Recently a friend sent me a message. She described a dream she had about me. We’ve known each other since we were little girls and the dream brought her back to then. I was asking her about a game we used to play as children and somehow she knew I was really asking about something else. I was asking how to approach the Lord on something.

She’s not sure what that something is; I’m still pondering it. But there’s something to it, I know it. She said, “maybe it’s just a dream, but it’s nothing if I don’t share it with you.” So true!

She told me in my dream to sing my prayer to the Lord. That whatever I was asking of Him wasn’t being answered because I needed to boldly sing it out, like literally sing it. I thought this was so strange, yet intriguing. I haven’t ever thought about singing out my prayers. I’m not super musical and can’t just compose music.

Yet, recently at youth group one night we talked about singing. Worshiping through song more specifically. And they asked us all to try to sing our own song. I thought it was strange and nothing really came to me. Maybe I just wasn’t ready for that message or wasn’t open to it. But, here it is again. Sing.

God doesn’t ask us to be professional musicians. He just asks us to worship. Music is His creation, not ours. It didn’t evolve, it wasn’t created when people became smart enough. It’s been around since the beginning. The Bible tells us there is singing in Heaven all the time, the angels sing, and God sings over us. So, it isn’t too far fetched that we want to sing too. That we would be drawn to music and want to create beautiful sounds. And, mostly, that we would want to return it to Him as worship and prayer.

I’m still pondering this message from my friend. I am still wondering exactly what I’m supposed to pray and how. If you’ve ever turned your prayer into song, please message me! I’d love to hear about it.

At church our sermon series is about angels this Christmas season. It’s been so so good, and so grounded in the Word of God. If you’ve ever wondered about angels, listen to these messages: https://www.hosannalc.org/series/?name=angels

It’s interesting to me that in the midst of this sermon series about angels, who are God’s messengers, I would get a message from an unexpected place. God sends His messages in different ways and sometimes he uses other people. I believe that to be true in this instance. There isn’t always a host of angels in the sky, singing and praising and bringing a message. Although God can and does certainly still use angels. But sometimes, it’s a message from someone saying simply, this happened. I don’t know what it all means to you, but I needed to tell you.

Have you ever felt that nudge in your soul? Have you ever had that overwhelming sense that you need to tell someone something? Or felt that push to go pray over someone? Follow it. Tell that person. Even if it seems really weird. Do it anyway. Maybe it’ll be nothing, but maybe it’s just what that person needs.

We don’t become angels, but we can be like the angels and spread God’s message when He asks. And what better time of year than right now to listen to His calling and obey. Thanks, friend, for obeying that call and for sharing the message God gave you with me.

This past weekend Andrew and I were able to get away. Andrew planned it months ago to celebrate my 40th birthday and our anniversary. We’ve made it 21 years! Can you believe it?

Only God knows when you are going to need a rest and a chance to reconnect and He knows how to plan it perfectly.

Life is just busy. It just is. I’ve heard the saying that Satan loves to keep you so busy you don’t have time to worship God. Thankfully, I don’t think we’re that busy. We do our best to incorporate God into our daily lives and worship on Sundays. But with 10 kids, a hobby farm, homeschooling, Andrew’s full time job, my two small part time jobs, and, well, grocery shopping, life is just full.

Don’t get me wrong. I love it. I love my full, busy life. Recently, I turned 40 and a few people asked, do you feel old? I can honestly say I don’t. I know I’m older than I was in my twenties. I get sore more quickly. But, I have such a full, rich life that I don’t have time to feel old. And I don’t want it in my vocabulary. I have a one year old who will need his mama for quite a long time to come, so I can’t be old. And I don’t want to feel old. So, I don’t.

With as busy of a life as we have, getting away is important. I need to remember that I can run at a different speed. Usually I am moving from early morning to evening, keeping everything going. I forget I can sit to just, well, sit. I can enjoy the world around me for more than a few seconds out the kitchen window as I’m making breakfast. I can relax and breathe in the fresh fall air and let go of the tension. I forget all those things because I’m just moving on to the next thing constantly.

On top of the regular busyness, we are part of a fairly new-to-us coop for school. It’s been so great and fulfilling for all of us, but it’s definitely had its learning curve and has added extra work this fall. We’ve finally found our groove with it and are able to breathe a little more now, but it took a solid six or seven weeks to get there, especially for the older kids as their work load is heavier.

Then just over a week ago, I received a call from a friend. She was crying. It started a whole chain of tearful phone calls. A couple, who has been a part of our homeschool world as long as I’ve been homeschooling, lost their lives in a horrific car crash. They were amazing people, who loved so deeply and lived so beautifully. It was a shock to our community and still is. It’s still not completely real.

While all of this was filling our lives, we had this get away to look forward to. And God knew exactly when we needed it most. We didn’t know that this past weekend would be the pinnacle of busyness in our fall (so far) and that we’d need to remember to breathe and give it over to God. But He knew.

We had planned to leave on Thursday, after dropping our kids off all over town. Thank you, by the way, to amazing friends, who were willing to take our kids! Instead of heading up north right away, we went to a beautiful, yet heart wrenching funeral for two amazing people first. It was such a hard service. They were so young and it was so unexpected. There was also a sense of hope at the service. That may seem strange to some, but we all knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, that these beautiful people were now in heaven. They loved Jesus with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength.

So, Thursday late afternoon, we headed on our way up the North Shore. I’ll save all our adventures for the next post, but on Friday after breakfast, Andrew and I took a six mile hike on the Superior Hiking Trail in dedication of Will and Cully, who loved the North Shore. It was an intense up and down and then way, way up hike. We made it to the top of Carlton Peak, which sits over 1800 feet above sea level. Boy, did I feel that in every part of my body. But, oh, the views!

The one thing that really struck me at Will and Cully’s service, was how they lived. There were probably a couple thousand people or more at the service and I was told the visitation the evening before was just as full. They were one-of-a-kind people. Wherever they were, they engaged fully and helped anyway they could. They weren’t loud, didn’t seek center-stage or fame, didn’t ask for accolades, just lived and loved. They took every opportunity to love those around them. Their quiet, humble attitude towards life and their purpose in it, impacted thousands of people. I was humbled by their amazing impact on so many. Their short time on earth was a beautiful lesson on how we should live: Love richly and fully where you’re planted.

I had the privilege of sharing at a women’s retreat this last weekend. There were a number of people who really wanted to hear what I shared and couldn’t make it, so I thought I’d share it here.

I thought I’d start by telling you a little about myself. I am married to Andrew; we’ve been married 21 years already! We have 10 kids. Yes, 10. Yes, they are all ours! They range from 18 to 1, six boys and four girls. When I was asked to speak for this women’s retreat I was excited, but also a little overwhelmed, especially when I heard the other two speakers were Pastor Jen and Pastor Julia!

But God impressed upon me this truth through a good friend: we all have a story to tell, we all have a testimony to God’s goodness and any one of us can tell our story to glorify Him. So, that’s what I’m going to do, try to tell my story for His glory.

First, I have a confession to make to you all. I am a control freak. I am. Truly. So often, people tell me how patient I am and how calm I always seem. People tell me I seem like I can let anything slide off my back and I don’t get riled up about much. Ha!! It’s all a lie! I think I’ve learned to hide my control issues well! Often inside, I’m struggling with what’s going on around me, wishing I could change it, control it, mold it to my will. And, unfortunately, sometimes it bubbles out in ugly ways.

Just to give you some insight, when Andrew and I were married 21 years ago, I used to get mad at him for certain things. I look back now and realize it was all a control thing! I’d get upset at him for…wait for it… folding towels the wrong way. I’m not even kidding! Some of you are probably thinking, I’m sorry what? Why wouldn’t you just be thankful that HE EVEN folded the towels at all!!! But it’s true. Not my proudest moments.

I used to get upset with him for cleaning the bathroom the wrong way. Not. Even. Joking. How stupid is that! HELLO?! He was cleaning bathrooms and instead of being thankful I was upset he didn’t do it just like me. Seriously, my control freakishness was way out of control!!

I would get upset with my kids for acting out in public. Oh, I’d get so mad at them. When I would really stop to think about why, which wasn’t until years later, I’d realize it was because they seemed out from under my control. And I thought it reflected poorly on me as a mom so I’d get mad to try to get them to behave the way I wanted.

The list goes on. I know I still want too much control over things now too. Maybe I’ve gotten better in some areas. Like if someone folds towels, hello…I’m just happy we actually have clean towels. At this point they could be shoved in the cabinet in a pile and I’d just be thankful I had a towel to dry off with.

But there are other things I am realizing I still want control of. This came out very starkly this last spring.

So, first here’s my family. I thought it’d be best to show you a photo. Here are all our kids! Most of this story is about what God taught me through a very difficult time with Isaiah, one of our oldest.

The Lord has been teaching me through these kids that I really want control of everything around me and that I can’t have it, nor should I have it!

This last April, one of the scariest things I think can happen to a parent happened to us. Isaiah, very tearfully, revealed to me that he thought frequently about killing himself. We’d had a lot of ups and downs with this kid for years, but never had I thought it was really that severe. All the disobedience, all the fights, all the sneaking and lying, was all really a cry for help that we didn’t recognize.

When he told me how he was truly feeling, I felt overwhelmed with grief and sadness. It was like a crushing weight and I had no idea what to do. I really don’t like that feeling of having no idea what to do. I felt so out of control. What he told me was scary, but that feeling of losing control was also scary.  

Of course, the morning he told me this, Andrew wasn’t home, and it came out in an argument between he and I. Isaiah was actually supposed to go with Andrew that morning and wouldn’t get out of bed. Because he didn’t get up and go with Dad and because we argued, his true state of mind was revealed. I thank God for those little things that I couldn’t have orchestrated.

I think I sat around stunned for a while, wondering what in the world we needed to do. Once Andrew got home, we ended up having him admitted in Rochester for a week for evaluation and the beginning of therapy. That was such a hard week. I spent a lot of time crying and praying and driving back and forth from home to Rochester to visit Isaiah. I spent a lot of time asking God, why. Asking Him, what did we as parents do wrong? Questioning where He was in all of it? Asking God, what am I supposed to do with all this? Wondering how I could keep it all under control with nine other kids to take care of, plus the house, and home schooling, and trying to make sure Isaiah was alright.

I also, so badly wanted to control Isaiah’s emotions and thoughts. If you would only think this, if you would only think that…

I think it’s in those moments when everything seems out of control that we have a choice to make. We can look for what an old pastor of mine used to call “God sightings”, or we can choose to let it all overwhelm and control us. I am not perfect at this and I still try all too often to control the situation on my own, but this time I did see God sightings.

During that week, God was so good to remind me He was there with us every step of the way. He spoke to me in the worship music in the hours I spent in the car. He spoke to me through other Christians. In fact, five different people at different times spoke the same thing to Andrew and I: “God is going to use this in Isaiah’s life for His glory. Isaiah is going to have such a powerful testimony to tell and will help other young people through the same issues.” FIVE PEOPLE! Five people who had no idea anyone else had spoken those words to us. If that’s not a God sighting, I don’t know what is!

He spoke to me through Scripture too. I clung to His Word that week, especially reading the Psalms. Let me tell you, when you feel like life is out of control, open the Psalms and you’ll get a good dose of who is really in control!

I want to share one Psalm that I kept reading and rereading. It’s Psalm 91.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

God just kept impressing on me that He was in control. Only He could save and make a person victorious. The NLT version says in verse 3: “He will rescue you from every trap.” Those words are so comforting when you have to hand your son over to medical professionals and just hope he’ll be okay. I prayed these verses over Isaiah because, truly, all I could do was pray.

But lately, as I’ve been rereading this Psalm, I’ve been realizing how it speaks to my need for control. Verse 2 starts off right away with trusting God. “² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

And then if we trust, the rest of the Psalm speaks of His protection and love and care for us. And what is trust, if not giving over control?

I’m not great at giving over control. Just this last week as I was trying to prepare this message, Satan was heavily attacking. I actually didn’t even finish writing it until Thursday morning. My kids were crabby and arguing, there were some harsh words spoken to me, there was trouble for one of my kids with a friend, my van broke down, my kids were starting to get sick, the baby was extra cranky, and on and on it goes. But I realized I was trying to control it all and that Satan was winning. So, instead of giving him a victory, I called a friend and said, “I need you to pray against Satan. I cannot get this message written.” Guess what? I got off the phone with her and started typing! Not because I took control, but because I let God have control.

After I talked with her, I wrote out a list of things I can control. It’s not much but it’s important. I can control how much time I spend in God’s Word and prayer. I can control my attitude, behavior, and emotions. I can control my response toward others and difficult situations. And that’s about it.  I have a choice to make with the rest. I can try to control it all, which never ends up working well, or I can realize it’s not mine to control in the first place and lay it before the throne of the One who knows best and can do a way better job than me.

This, for me, has been one of the hardest lessons and I’m still learning it. Almost everyday I see something else I’m trying to control or something I’ve laid before the King and then picked up again. Oh, I’m carrying that burden again? When did I pick that up again? And why? Do I really think I can do it better? So, I’m not coming to you as an expert, just as a fellow pilgrim trying to figure this all out.

Here’s just a silly reminder of how little I’m in control of. We took these family pictures this summer and half way through it just started raining and raining. Instead of getting upset that my plans were ruined I decided to just have fun with it. So our photographer held an umbrella over her camera while we got drenched. And guess what? They are my absolute favorite photos.

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This last Sunday as we were worshipping in church, I was convicted during a certain song that I had picked up the burden of trying to control Isaiah’s emotions and thoughts again. So, one more time, I had to lay him before God’s throne. I asked Steph if we could sing that song to end, so we can all have that reminder that He hasn’t failed us yet, and won’t.