Sometimes You Have to Walk Away

There are times in life when you just have to walk away. It may seem hard and those on the outside may judge you as harsh and unfeeling. Those on the inside might too. But there truly are times when it’s okay and actually healthy to walk away.

I’ve been through it. And while I don’t feel like I can share all the details on the internet, I can share some things I’ve learned. While I had to walk away, it wasn’t because I’m heartless or cruel, nor is it because I didn’t like someone. I think those things have been thrown around and they just aren’t true.

Walking away from a situation, group, or person isn’t something I take lightly. It’s not something I do facetiously. It took three years to get to the point where I had to say, enough. I did it to protect myself, my family, and my time. That may sound selfish but there have been times when I’ve given so much of myself and my time to something else that there’s nothing left to give to what matters most. For me that’s my family.

Through this I’ve learned there are people in this world who are very mentally unwell. They don’t have the emotional maturity to own up to their wrongdoings, take any responsibility for their part in things, or recognize when they’ve hurt someone. I’m not talking about your average two year old either. These are grown adults who have can’t take responsibility.

I’ve learned these people usually have a very hard past with abuse, abandonment, or trauma that they refuse to heal from or believe they can’t be healed from. They are walking around with all that baggage and it leaks like battery acid on all their relationships. I could live in that yuck – believe me, I have it. But I’ve chosen to say, that doesn’t define me. I can still choose to love those around me and be thoughtful, kind, and repentant.

I’ve also learned these people are master manipulators. I got hoodwinked for quite awhile before starting to see the lies and things that just didn’t add up. It look a long time to see all the ‘victim stories’ were really just excuses to not take ownership of their problems and find solutions. It allows them to sit in the yuck and get everyone around them to feel sorry for them and take action for them.

There’s so much more and I’ll possibly share more as time goes on.

But for now, lastly, I had to learn that it wasn’t me. These people are so so good at getting you to believe you are the crazy one, that you are the horrible friend, and that you are cruel and unkind. Their manipulation doesn’t stop at making you pity them. It continues until you feel like you must be a terrible friend because what you do is never enough for them so you try to do more and it’s still not enough. They get you to question everything because the story always changes and they try to triangulate all your other friends to ostracize you.

The blessing in all of it is this: I found out who my true friends were. The ones who came to me and said, just so you know, this is being said about you and I know it’s not true. Friends who told the manipulator, just go talk to her, she’ll listen and want to resolve whatever you think is wrong. Friends who stood up for me when I wasn’t in the room.

Unfortunately, I also found out who chose to believe all the narratives spewed about me. I won’t lie, that hurts. A lot. And I’m still trying to heal from that. When friends you’ve known and loved for most of your adult life choose to believe lies about you, it cuts deep.

I am not perfect. I’ve had to apologize to my friends. I’ve screwed up in my relationships. But I try to own it and repent. Please know, I don’t ever walk away lightly.

My walking away meant a lot of hurt for me. And probably for others as well. I’m a fixer and my desire is always to stay and make it right, probably to my own detriment sometimes. But I do have a limit. And that limit was reached after a lot of attempted conversation, prayer, attempts to make amends, and even apologize for things I hadn’t done.

It got to the point where I realized, this person isn’t healthy enough to actually fix this. No matter what I do, it’ll never be enough. So, to protect myself and my family along with other relationships, I had to say my boundary is now here and it won’t be moved.

It hasn’t been a light road. I’ve frequently contemplated if I’m just a horrible friend and don’t know how to love well. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, specifically asking God to reveal to me what I need to repent of. I’ve asked a couple of godly mentors to help me see the truth and to ask me the hard questions. Every time I’ve poured it all out to the Lord, he has vindicated me. He has told me clearly time and again that I’m free from fault. He has shown me in innumerable ways at just the perfect times what’s truly going on. I know that He has it all in His hands and He protects my reputation.

Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
    the Most High, who is my refuge^[b]—
¹⁰ no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
    no plague come near your tent. Psalm 91:9-10