Force of Light



Do you ever have something all planned out? I mean down to the last detail, you know how something should go?

I do this all the time. I am a master planner. And usually nothing goes as I plan it! I used to get really upset about that, and sometimes I still do, but I’ve learned more and more to roll with it and trust God that he knows best.

But…I still fall into the trap of thinking I know best. All too often I find myself having thought it all through, down to the minutest detail, only to find nothing is as I thought it should be.

Here’s my most recent escapade down the “Control-freak road”.

Just a short while ago, I was eagerly awaiting the birth of a petite girl. I knew I was having a girl, I knew she was going to be a small baby and therefore an easy birth. I knew my labor would be short and the delivery peaceful and easy. I knew she would come early in August to accommodate my schedule. I knew she wouldn’t come in the middle of the night. I also knew her name and why I was naming her that. My kids were eager to meet their sister; they were sure it was a girl too. Probably because Mom was so sure. I also knew recovery would be quick and I’d feel great right after delivery. It would all be no big deal. I knew. I just knew. Because that’s how I had planned it all in my head, so that’s how it should go!

Well, as some of you know, that’s not what happened. That’s not even close to what happened. Reality was about as far from my plans as possible!

As early August came and went it found me impatiently waiting for my baby to come. I was so sure I’d have a little one to hold by the 10th or so that I became crabby and frustrated. I tried everything to get that little girl out. Walking, spicy food, pineapple, you name it. Nothing worked. I finally resigned myself to the fact that the baby would come when she was good and ready. Still, I was impatient.

Then, on August 12th, when my water started leaking I thought, Oh Good! Here we go! Finally! Then, as night after night I was awake with contractions only to have them stop every morning, I became more frustrated. I just wanted to be done with pregnancy! I wanted to meet my little one, but mostly, to be honest, I just wanted it to be over with.

Five nights later, my contractions finally got more regular and I thought, this is it! I called my midwife in the middle of the night to come and then by morning, everything stopped again! I felt so bad to have awoken my midwife and doula only to send them home again…and still no baby! I figured though, that since the contractions had gotten really regular and close that the baby would have to come that day. I shipped all my kids off, telling them they’d have a new baby sister by the end of the day. Once again, my plans…

Well, three days later there was still no baby. By then I was so sick of it all. Contractions had been on and off and on and off…I was tired, crabby, and just wanted to crawl under my covers and stay there!

Thankfully my awesome midwife and doula, who also happen to be great friends of mine, came over and got things going. It was time for that little baby to come out!

It still took hours. Contractions were still irregular for a long time. Labor was still iffy, in my mind. Would it actually happen? Finally??

I ended up going to bed that night thinking, once again, that contractions had stopped. Thankfully, about fifteen minutes after lying down things got serious. Finally!

It was still another three hours after that, with lots and lots of pushing. I really thought that baby was never going to come out. And because I was so sure it was a little girl, I was pushing in a position that had worked to have Heidi. I told my midwife I didn’t think I was making any progress and then it was like a revelation from heaven. This thought came to me, “This is a big baby”. I’d had David and Jacob, both of whom were big babies and I just knew in that moment I was about to have to push out another big baby.

By the time baby finally came I was exhausted, hurting from head to toe, and feeling pretty miserable. I don’t even remember feeling relief that it was over, just utter exhaustion and pain. I’m sure everyone in the room felt the same way, after that excursion.

I held my chunky baby and cried and cried and shook. When I finally calmed down, I lifted the little leg to be utterly shocked and surprised.

“It’s a boy!” I confusedly said.

“A boy??” Andrew repeated.

“A boy??” my midwife and doula repeated.

We were all completely taken aback by the fact that it was a boy! I was so sure it was going to be a girl; we all were. At that moment Andrew said, “Now we have to come up with a boy’s name.”

We had been so sure it was a girl that we only had a girl’s name picked out. We had tossed around a couple boy’s names here and there but nothing had stuck and we never discussed it too much because we just knew it was a girl! I didn’t even have the energy to think of any names at that point. I just wanted to go to bed.

And to bed we went. We slept hard for a while. That afternoon Andrew came into our room and said, “Well, we should probably name him, huh?!”

That’s when we came up with Lukas. It took another hour or so to come up with a middle name. Andrew wanted Gerald, after his grandfather. It sounded great to me. I was still too tired to think of much of anything other than Advil, water, and sleep.

Later I looked up the meanings of Lukas Gerald and realized that God had given us such a perfect name for our little guy. His entrance into this world, and even the fact that he was a boy, was nothing like I’d planned. I asked God for all sorts of things during that pregnancy and it all happened the way God ordained, not me. Even his name was something God had planned, not me. And God gave him the perfect name.

Lukas means “Bringer of Light” and Gerald means “A force to be reckoned with, a spear”. Our little Lukas is a “Force of Light to be reckoned with”. He was created, formed, and brought into this world by the greatest Force of Light there is, our Heavenly Creator, and already God has a purpose for this boy. My plans may have seemed right and good and true, but God’s plans are better, always. There is no doubt in my mind that Lukas Gerald fits perfectly into our family and perfectly into God’s plans. There is no plan of mine that would ever be as good as what God brought about for us. Our little force of light already shines brightly in our family and I know he’ll be a kingdom warrior for our Good Father!

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. 


One thought on “Force of Light

  1. Sarah, your birthday story sounds so much like my last baby. We were sure Josiah was going to be a girl. My doctor was pretty sure he was a girl from the ultrasound. I had made some little pink dresses and a mostly pink quilt for our little girl. Josiah’s birth was very difficult and he got stuck. He was 10 lbs. I thought the nurses were kidding. We had no boy’s name picked out but God gave me the name Josiah David in the delivery room. While he was at Children’s with a torn trachea from the birth we discovered one of the meanings of his name was “whom Jehovah heals” very appropriate since God healed him.
    By the way your baby is beautiful.


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