Sweet Eloise is over two months old already. It’s such a strange paradox when I think about how long two months felt while waiting for her and how fast these two months have gone. It’s really unexplainable other than it truly is a mind game when you’re in the waiting.
After Eloise was born, since she is my twelfth child, I figured everything would be fairly easy and uncomplicated. I mean, I’ve done this before, right? I’ve nursed eleven other babies, I’ve recovered from nine other births, one of which was extremely trying. But, I had to be reminded, Eloise hadn’t done any of it before. She was brand new at everything in life.
I thought nursing started out well, but it became apparent very quickly, that she wasn’t latching well. My midwife, Amber was amazing at trying to help and she quickly suggested we bring in some experts. We ended up with a whole team of people trying to help Eloise nurse properly. Amber, a chiropractor, a craniosacral therapist, and a lactation consultant. They were all amazing and so helpful, but Eloise still just wasn’t doing great. And I was doing horribly. I was in so much pain and cried so many tears those first few weeks and was really not in a good place emotionally.
We ended up having a tongue tie revision done and though I hated to put my little baby through that, I’m so thankful we did. She was five weeks old when we had that done and the dentist said it would take about two weeks for her to develop better nursing habits.
One morning I was nursing Eloise and it suddenly occurred to me that she was seven weeks old and I was nursing without pain! We were finally past it! I texted my two closest friends and told them and they rejoiced with me as they’d been walking alongside me on that bumpy road.
God was teaching me during those seven weeks, of course. I remember so many times, lying in bed, crying out to Him for healing and being angry and saddened that He wasn’t answering me. I kept saying, you can take this right now, Lord, why aren’t you? I felt He was so silent for so long.
Truth be told, I didn’t want to be taught anything. I just wanted what I wanted. I realized that in one of my pity parties during that time. And in that moment, I saw the selfishness in my heart that I so often call out in my kids. I had to repent of that selfishness and submit to God’s plan. Not easy to do!
Mamas, I want you to be encouraged in this too. During those weeks, I kept taking care of Eloise, nursing through the pain and tears, cuddling her, tending to her needs. I kept taking care of my family as much as I could and taking help from others. I did the things that needed to be done. Because that’s what we do as mamas. But I didn’t enjoy any of it. I didn’t want to do any of it. And I struggled a lot with my attitude. I was cranky and snapped too often at my kids. I was short and rude to Andrew way too many times. Let’s just say I’ve had to do a lot of repenting recently!
Just in the past two weeks I’ve finally felt true love for Eloise. That heart-bursting, overwhelming love that washes over you when you look at your kids. I tell you this, mamas, to encourage you to keep going, keep doing the loving actions, keep walking that path God put you on, keep trusting Him, and that love will come. It’ll become more natural and suddenly, you’ll realize it’s real. I loved her from the moment I knew I was expecting her, don’t get me wrong. But through those hard weeks, I had to just go through the motions. My heart was hard because of what I was dealing with (not necessarily great, but it’s true) and I didn’t feel a whole lot of love for anyone.
When it hit me recently that I really, truly love her with all my life, I cried. I didn’t even totally realize it was missing until it was there. And it made me sad that it hadn’t been felt by me. It also made me overjoyed that I had gotten there. I had made it through that suffering to the other side.
Looking back, I can so clearly see that in every moment, in every minute aspect of that suffering God was an ever-present help. A friend would text or stop over to pray with me. A friend would bring me a bar of chocolate and a hug. My hubby would lay next to Eloise and I and just hug me. My kids would peek in my room and just say Hi Mom, can I give you a hug? His Spirit would wash over me and comfort me while I was crying. Andrew would walk in when I was having a sob fest, kneel by my bed and talk to me.
And God blessed me so abundantly with an amazing baby. She’s so sweet and happy. She sleeps through the night and takes great naps. He’s blessed me with awesome kids who took care of each other and the house when I was down. He’s blessed me with a husband who takes my rudeness and responds with kindness. God also blessed me with lessons I wouldn’t have learned without that trial – how dependent I truly am on Him, how selfish and ugly my heart is without Him, how I need His help everyday to be a godly mama. I don’t deserve God’s mercy and goodness, but I’ll accept it.
I’m not trying to diminish other’s experiences or suffering. I know many friends who are walking a darker, bumpier, and much longer road than mine. Awful divorce, long term illness, chronic illness, numerous losses, life is just hard. Take heart, my friends. God IS with you. If you look at the circumstances, you’ll despair. But if you look at the cross, you’ll overcome!
Desired Haven Farm 