Tag: parenting

The Most Important Work

I overheard this conversation a couple days ago…

Lady addressing two young boys: “What have you been up to with no school today?”

Before the boys could answer, Mom answers: “Going crazy!”

Lady: “Oh I’m sure. I bet you can’t wait until tomorrow!”

It made my heart sink to watch. The two boys shrunk and didn’t say anything. Then one piped up and said, “Well I WANT to go to school anyway.”

Maybe he does like school, but I could tell it was a bit of a rebuttal against the adult’s comments.

Moms, Dads, let’s not talk like this about our children, in front of our children. Let’s do better. Let’s be better. Let’s show our kids better.

Our society portrays kids as a burden, a stress, and an inconvenience. Many can’t wait to push their kids off on others or school and look at holidays and summers as just something to get through. There’s nothing wrong with having a break from our kids, don’t get me wrong. I need them and enjoy them.

We simply don’t ever need to make our children feel like a burden or as if they are unwanted. They are always watching and listening. They are learning how to relate to others and someday their own children by what we model. When we make comments like “I can’t wait until they go back to school” we’re speaking loudly about what we think of taking care of and spending time with our children. And they pick up on that.

C.S. Lewis very wisely stated, “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

If you choose to have children, remember they are little human beings that you have to raise to be big human beings. They someday have to relate to the rest of the world in some capacity and they learn from mom and dad more than anyone else in their lives.

What you say matters. How you spend time with them matters. Talking about them as a frustration teaches them something just like talking about them as a blessing teaches them.

Children are tough, don’t get me wrong. It’s not for the faint of heart to raise them up in the way they should go. But it is totally worth if it you stick to it. All of a sudden you have these amazing adults that count you as a friend, hug you when they see you with a big grin on their face, and are kind and generous to the world around you.

Believe me when I say, it’s worth it. When my adult boys hug me and say “Hi, Mom” or “I love you, Mom” I have to choke back tears. Every time. Did I do it all perfectly? Definitely not. Did I show them they were worth it and I loved them and they were a blessing not a burden? Yes. At least enough for it to sink into their hearts.

Even on the hard days, let’s choose to tell our kids, “I love you” “You are a blessing” “I love spending time with you”.

Raising Boys

It was just my sister and I growing up. We spent most of our time playing dolls, Barbies, and coloring. Even when we played outside, which was a lot, we played house with blankets and our bikes. More often that not, our play was calm, gentle, and quiet.

For some reason, the Lord decided to bless me with six boys. Six. They are wild, loud, dirty, and reckless. There is always something broken and someone always has a wound. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but let me tell you, it’s been a learning curve.

I’ve always had the rule that my boys can’t wrestle in the kitchen. So guess where they always want to wrestle. Yep, the kitchen. One evening while I was making dinner the big boys came into the kitchen and were horsing around. Pretty soon it turned to full on wrestling with each trying to get the other to the ground.

I had just said you aren’t supposed to do that in here, when one threw the other through the window of the front door. Glass shattered everywhere. The looks on their faces were priceless as they stared at me stunned, paralyzed in place. They still had arms locked around each other.

There have been so many moments like this I don’t even try to count them anymore. And, they hardly faze me anymore. Oh you’re hurt again? Ok, let’s clean it up. That’s broken? Maybe we can fix it, maybe it has to be thrown. I try to not let it bother me because it’s just going to come. It is what it is.

Another part of raising boys that I had a steep learning curve with is the puberty years. We always think of girls being hormonal as they develop, but guess what? There are hormones raging through boys during that time too.

And did you know that testosterone actually destroys pathways that were previously created in the brain and then the brain has to rewire?

Makes sense why they sleep, eat, argue, sleep some more, doesn’t it?

When my older ones were in those years, it was so difficult for me. I hadn’t had to live with a boy going through all those changes and I had no idea what to expect. Everything was so new and I thought it was all abnormal.

Not only that, but I took it all personally. Every argument and snotty remark I felt I needed to combat. I felt like all I was doing was arguing with them. It eventually ruined (thankfully temporarily) my relationship with one of my boys. We’ve spent years repairing it and I’ve regretted a lot. Especially my response to everything.

I learned a lot raising my first two boys. I’ve always told them, you were my guinea pigs and I messed up way more on you than the others. Thankfully the Lord knows that before he gives you your firstborn and He creates them to handle it!

One of the biggest lessons I’m learning is to not take everything so personally. I’m learning to let the snide comment roll off my back. I’m learning to keep my mouth shut and not respond.

Through it all the most important lesson I’ve learned is to put relationship first. In the midst of those moments when they are wanting to argue or roll their eyes or ignore me, I try to remember that long term I want a good relationship with this person. Someday they will be an adult on their own and I want them to desire to come back and spend time with us.

This doesn’t mean I don’t address the attitude and the comments. It does mean I’m learning to practice pausing and breathing. I tend to be a hot tempered person so this is a long learning battle for me. I fail often. I just had to apologize to my young adult for yelling in the heat of the moment. So please don’t think I’ve arrived and have this down perfectly.

I am improving though. I’m learning to find those moments when we can have a conversation about the attitude, the eye roll, the comment. Timing is so important. When they are frustrated and heated, it does zero good to add more frustration to the mix. That’s the moment I have to walk away and breathe. That’s when I have to pause and let it slide off.

I’m also learning to just have good conversations with my young adults. I don’t want every interaction with them to be frustrating. I don’t want every conversation to be serious and difficult. I try to joke with them, ask them what they enjoyed about their day, and just spend time with them.

Building relationship isn’t easy. It takes daily diligence, not just once in a while interaction. It takes a lot of deep breaths when you’re dealing with a young man going through all the changes. It takes many moments of conscientious action and not just “come to Jesus” moments as some call their rants at their children.

Again, I don’t have it all perfect. I’m a work in progress too. But God is a God of relationships and I want to be a mom of relationships. Even the failures can help build the relationships if we’re willing to say “I’m sorry”.

Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.“

This means we moms should live peaceably with our kids, as much as we possibly can.

Capture and Hold

The are moments in life you want to capture and hold onto. This is one of those moments.

Moms used to tell me “enjoy these moments, they go by so fast” when my bigs were little. I get it now. The time truly does fly by in the blink of an eye and leaves you wondering what just happened and where it all went. Just last night Liv said “you know 2002 was 22 years ago.” Give me a minute to go lie down.

There are times when I miss when my oldest two were little boys, but watching them live God-honoring lives is something so indescribable and awesome. I’m so proud of them and the paths they’ve chosen with God’s help.

Recently our grandson (yes that still feels really strange to say but I love it) was dedicated. The pastor who dedicated him had dedicated his mama, our dear Liv, when she was a baby and married her and Samuel. He was reminiscing about it and mentioned what an amazing young man Samuel is. He said “shout out to his parents who did an amazing job raising him”. I wanted to shout out “it certainly wasn’t us! God interceded a lot!”.

I stand in awe of the young men Samuel and Isaiah have become in spite of our parenting. Andrew and I have told our boys numerous times they were our guinea pigs and we messed up more with them than their siblings. God knew and extended a lot of grace during those years when we were just wandering lost in the parenting forest.

Looking back, I’m so thankful for a few things.

One, obviously, is God’s grace. He was always with us, guiding and directing and convicting when needed. And He is with us still. Never forget that, mama. When you are up in the middle of the night with a sick child, when there’s behaviors you don’t know what to do with, when people judge and criticize you for your choices. God is with you. And He desires to lavish wisdom and strength on you. Just ask and see if He doesn’t do it!

Two, I’m so thankful for godly parents who were in the thick of it or had just gone through it. There were so many people God placed in our lives who passed on godly wisdom to us in the exact moment we needed it. And did it with grace and love. We’re still friends with these people and can look back together on all God did for our families when our kids were little. Find your tribe, mama. Find those women who walk with God, seek His wisdom, and love you and your family well. Align yourself with other families who spend time in God’s Word and with His people. We were built for community!

Third I’m so thankful for prayer. I’ve spent countless hours praying for my kids. And I won’t stop! I can’t tell you the many times the Holy Spirit has intervened for my kids because I’ve prayed. I can’t tell you how many times the Holy Spirit has convicted me to stop and pray for my kids. Some of those instances I don’t even know the outcome of. I just know I was told to pray and I did. Mamas, listen to that still small voice and that uneasy feeling in your gut. It’s God. He wants to commune with you!

Parenting isn’t easy. And when they are little it can be so hard and feel so endless. It sounds cliche but try to remember it really does go by so fast. Capture those sweet moments when you can and hold on to those when times are tough. It makes all the difference!

Diligence Pays Off

I’m out in the garden today, working hard at keeping plants thriving. What does that look like? Well, for the potatoes it means checking every other day for potato bugs. I squat or kneel next to each plant and carefully check the leaves for bugs, picking them off and dropping them in soapy water when I find them. Then I check the underside of the leaves for eggs and pick those leaves off. Is this fun? Do I love doing it so much and that’s why I’m out there every other day?

Absolutely not! For one, I despise bugs, be they friend or foe. They’re just gross to me. And potato bugs are exceptionally gross to me. They come in all sizes from teeny tiny to downright disturbing. And they’re ugly and squishy. Believe me, gloves are necessary.

So, then, why do it?

If I don’t, I know what the consequences will be. I can’t possibly catch all the bugs and eggs in one shot! The complete loss of all my potatoes. Maybe you’re saying, who cares, just buy some potatoes at the store!

If you’ve ever had fresh garden potatoes, you know. Store potatoes honestly taste awful in comparison.

Being diligent in the garden reaps great rewards. There’s no way I could just go pick potato bugs once and expect a great return on my efforts. There’s no way I could just choose to turn a blind eye and expect a harvest that will last all winter. I’d get nothing. And the potato bugs would get everything.

It’s the same when it comes to our children.

We can’t correct our children once and expect a great return. If we wait until the behavior is annoying us and react, we’re not going to see good results and if we turn a blind eye we certainly won’t reap a great harvest. Being diligent with correction and training takes daily effort and time. It takes going into the garden of our child’s heart and lovingly and repeatedly picking out the bugs of sin. If we pick it out once and think we’re done, we’re bound to miss some and allow our child’s heart to be overrun by sin.

Turning a blind eye can look like a couple of things. It can be that we make excuses for our child’s behavior and sin. “Oh, he’s just tired today, that’s why he’s acting this way.” “My kid is really a good kid, this isn’t the way he normally acts.” “She does a lot of good things and is usually a great kid so I don’t have to worry.” It can be that we compare and look at how other kids act and think, well my kid isn’t that bad at least. And it can be that we just don’t see the behavior as sin that’s rooted in their heart.

So, how do we overcome this? Diligence.

I have to choose to enter that garden daily. I have to make time for my kids and believe that they are my priority. My house, my garden, our activities, church, all those things have to take a back seat to my children. They are my most important work each day. It means I have to set my phone down too and pay attention. It means I have to be present with my kids. And it means I have to take responsibility everyday for their hearts and minds.

I can’t just do it once. I can’t just do it once a week. It needs to be repeated and consistent.

I need to be diligent.

Not only do I need to be diligent, I need to be in prayer. But that’s a story for another day.