January. It’s kind of the worst month. Christmas is over, it’s cold, gloomy, and gray. Often there isn’t much snow and if there is snow it’s so cold outside you can’t go out anyway.
Add to it for me the fact that my mom died in this month and it’s a recipe for a downright crappy month.
I’ve tried hard over the years to find ways to enjoy this month. And things have worked some.
My fireplace, focusing on my sister’s birthday and my daughter-in-law’s birthday, finding good books to read, lighting candles, crocheting, browsing my seed catalogs. They have all helped me get through it.
But I’ve learned, too, over the years to let myself be sad. It’s ok to feel that and think about what I’m missing. It’s ok to acknowledge it sucks and hurts, even 23 years later.
And then, like I’ve said so many times before, I need to reframe my thoughts and look at the positive. Don’t say, well I’m not an optimist, so that’s not how I think. I wasn’t either, but guess what. You can retrain your brain! I did it. It’s possible. You can choose how you look at situations.
Does it still feel unfair that she was taken so young and just when I was starting to have babies? Absolutely.
But I know she’s in a beautiful place, fully healed, worshipping her Savior.
One thing I’ve learned over the past couple years, is that if you haven’t healed from your hurts and trauma from the past, it’s going to eek out sideways at those around you. I’ve been the recipient of it for a couple years and it isn’t an easy thing to watch or to deal with.
Every one of us has things in our past that hurt and affected us deeply. We can choose to sit in the yuck. But there are consequences of that. Usually you push others away with horrible behavior in some fashion or another. It’s worth going through the hard and hurt and fear and crud to come out on the other side healed.
It’s worth it for you and for those you love. So feel the sadness and grieve the loss of how you thought life should look. Feel those hard feelings and then process them, give them to the Lord, and ask Him to fill those hurt places. Get a counselor, a good godly one, if you feel you need one.
Whatever it takes, get healthy. It’s hard, but it’s much harder to carry the burden for the rest of your life, swinging it around at unsuspecting people and hurting them too.
I remember being so angry at God for a long time after my mom died. And I could have stayed there. But I saw what it was doing to me and to my family and it wasn’t worth keeping.
Now, I can spend a day sad that my mom isn’t here. And then I can rejoice the next day that I am and that the Lord gave me an awesome husband, 12 amazing kids, a terrific daughter-in-law, 2 grandkids, family and friends, and so many more blessings. I can smile knowing my mom is fully healed and restored.
Desired Haven Farm 