Tag: forgiveness

Versus

So many have reached out to me and asked about my previous blog titled “Sometimes You Have to Walk Away”. You checked in and asked if I’m okay or need to talk. I want you to know I appreciate that so so much. Knowing who you can trust and who are good friends is so important.

I want to clarify a few things. Someone said, “you left it so vague”. I did that on purpose. While others have tried to smear my reputation and name, I don’t feel the need to return that favor. While my sinful heart wants to, I know it’s not right, nor beneficial. I still want to honor God in the midst of the healing process. If you wonder if it’s you, please don’t wonder. The person certainly knows as there have been multiple attempts at reconciliation and conversation.

Quite a few people have asked if I’m okay. I assure you I am. My good God has been walking me through the healing along with just a couple very close people who can be trusted with all the details. Most of this happened a year or more ago and I didn’t feel I could write about it until now.

Someone asked “is it eating you up inside?”. I’ll say this. I allowed it to have that power over me for a while but am actively releasing it to the Lord daily and even momentarily at this point. I don’t want to give it more energy or time and I don’t want to be a bitter person.

God is so good in His timing. Recently I reread my great friend’s books. Loving Leah, Keeping Kyla, and Making Mari, all by Joan Crombie. Her books have such fun story lines that keep you engaged and wondering what’s next. But even better than that, she weaves Biblical truths and lessons into her stories so naturally that you can’t help but let them soak into your heart.

In Making Mari, the lesson woven in was exactly what my heart needed to hear. There is a significant connection between forgiveness and bitterness. Maybe that seems obvious but it really struck me this time. In order to not grow into a bitter woman I need to forgive and not hang on to hurts.

Sounds simple, but it’s not necessarily easy. Here’s what I’ve found as I’ve dived into forgiveness.

One, forgiveness is for your own heart and doesn’t release the offender. You don’t have to ignore the fact that someone hurt you and be their bestie. You can have healthy boundaries AND also let it go in your own heart and mind.

Two, forgiveness doesn’t mean you automatically trust the person again. You may never trust them again. That’s ok. Trust is earned, not just freely given. Again, you can keep your distance without harboring hard feelings.

Three, forgiveness is a continual process. Every time a thought comes up, we have to take it captive and stop the spiral. We need to say, “no, I’m not going to let that control me. I forgive them for that.” Then we need to truly set it aside and fill our mind with positive thoughts. This can feel like a battle at first but it gets easier with practice.

Four, forgiveness is truly directly connected with bitterness. When we choose to hang on to hurts, it starts to spill into other areas of our lives. I found myself second guessing other friends, being short and snappy to my husband and family, and letting other negative thoughts spiral. It’s amazing how one tiny seed can grow into a giant tangled mess.

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us to forgive not seven times but seventy-seven times. He’s telling us to do it over and over until our hearts are free from bitterness. Keep doing it. Every time it crops up. Any time a thought pops into your mind. There’s a face off between forgiveness and bitterness in your heart and mind. A battle of two foes. Forgiveness V Bitterness.

2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

Once you do it enough times, you’ll find you feel free, light, released. It doesn’t condone another person’s behavior, it just sets you free from carrying their sin and your own in your heart.

This isn’t a journey I would have asked for, but I’m thankful God has carried me through and taught me more about him. He is always good!

High speed chase and hiking

Yesterday I was driving on Highway 60, running some errands. Should have been a normal Thursday afternoon errand run. I drop kids at band, then get fresh milk and head back to pick them up. Pretty ordinary and boring.

Only this time it wasn’t. This time I had to pull over three separate times for police. First I saw lights behind me so I pulled to the side. Then suddenly that same cop who had just passed me was flying into a ditch and spinning around as a pickup flew by me with two more officers chasing it.

I whipped to the side of the road instinctively, as my brain tried to process the fact that I was in the middle of a car chase. That driver wasn’t stopping or pulling over. That driver was flying down the road erratically, disobeying the police on his tail.

I watched them fly by and the officer in front of me spin around through the ditch and back into the road in the matter of a few seconds.

It didn’t really hit me until I was back on the road headed to pick up my kids. Then my hands started shaking, my chest started hurting, and the tears started falling. My brain was catching up with what had just occurred and the realization that I had just been in the middle of a high speed chase hit me hard.

I had to again pull over for more cops racing by.

And then I got angry. I mean raging angry. That jerk, who had made innumerable horrible decisions to get to that point in his life, had put my children and those police officers in danger. Mortal danger. Just a little more over the center line, just a jerk of the wheel and I wouldn’t be sitting in my living room typing this.

Say what you will about police officers. Believe me, I’ve seen the rhetoric flying around. Heck, my own governor has thrown the police under the bus. In that moment, as I watched those officers put their lives on the line for me and other total strangers on the highway, I was angered. So angered for those men and women.

They lay their lives on the line everyday. They kiss their spouses and kids goodbye never knowing if they’ll make it home. Now more than ever. If you are a police officer or love one dearly, I want you to know I support you and I pray for you. I would love to thank those cops that didn’t let up in that chase.

Later that day, we were hiking with some friends. I was honestly still shaken up and it was good to enjoy nature and soak up some sun.

After the hike one of my kids and one of my friend’s kids got in a little spat. One hit, one pushed. It wasn’t a huge fight but there was obviously some frustration.

So we each took our child aside and talked with them about what they had done, how it was wrong to react that way, what they could have done differently, and what they should do to make it right. The kids hugged and apologized. It was all over in a matter of minutes and they were happy little friends again.

What struck me in that moment, probably because of what I had witnessed earlier, was how absolutely important that interaction was. I told my friend, “if we didn’t do that with our kids, no matter how small the altercation, it could easily be them running from the cops. What we do in these simple moments matters for their adult lives. Teaching them to resolve conflict and apologize and make good choices now while they are little matters for their entire lives.”

All too often I fall into the trap of thinking I’m not doing enough and I’m failing in some way or another. We think we need to be more, do more, get our name in lights.

But the thing I’m really supposed to be doing is the small stuff. Teaching my kids to own their mess ups and sins, teaching them to say “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”, teaching them to forgive. Because those little moments will make all the difference.

I can’t totally guarantee my kids won’t make some awful decisions in their lives. But I can guarantee I’ll do whatever I can now to teach them how and why to make good decisions. We say in our house, good choices equal good consequences, bad choices equal bad consequences. And honestly, I hope that driver faces some bad consequences for his bad choices. Not because I wish him/her I’ll, but so that they can hopefully see the trajectory they’ve put their life on and change it for the good.