Tag: birth

Those First Few Weeks

Sweet Eloise is over two months old already. It’s such a strange paradox when I think about how long two months felt while waiting for her and how fast these two months have gone. It’s really unexplainable other than it truly is a mind game when you’re in the waiting.

After Eloise was born, since she is my twelfth child, I figured everything would be fairly easy and uncomplicated. I mean, I’ve done this before, right? I’ve nursed eleven other babies, I’ve recovered from nine other births, one of which was extremely trying. But, I had to be reminded, Eloise hadn’t done any of it before. She was brand new at everything in life.

I thought nursing started out well, but it became apparent very quickly, that she wasn’t latching well. My midwife, Amber was amazing at trying to help and she quickly suggested we bring in some experts. We ended up with a whole team of people trying to help Eloise nurse properly. Amber, a chiropractor, a craniosacral therapist, and a lactation consultant. They were all amazing and so helpful, but Eloise still just wasn’t doing great. And I was doing horribly. I was in so much pain and cried so many tears those first few weeks and was really not in a good place emotionally.

We ended up having a tongue tie revision done and though I hated to put my little baby through that, I’m so thankful we did. She was five weeks old when we had that done and the dentist said it would take about two weeks for her to develop better nursing habits.

One morning I was nursing Eloise and it suddenly occurred to me that she was seven weeks old and I was nursing without pain! We were finally past it! I texted my two closest friends and told them and they rejoiced with me as they’d been walking alongside me on that bumpy road.

God was teaching me during those seven weeks, of course. I remember so many times, lying in bed, crying out to Him for healing and being angry and saddened that He wasn’t answering me. I kept saying, you can take this right now, Lord, why aren’t you? I felt He was so silent for so long.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to be taught anything. I just wanted what I wanted. I realized that in one of my pity parties during that time. And in that moment, I saw the selfishness in my heart that I so often call out in my kids. I had to repent of that selfishness and submit to God’s plan. Not easy to do!

Mamas, I want you to be encouraged in this too. During those weeks, I kept taking care of Eloise, nursing through the pain and tears, cuddling her, tending to her needs. I kept taking care of my family as much as I could and taking help from others. I did the things that needed to be done. Because that’s what we do as mamas. But I didn’t enjoy any of it. I didn’t want to do any of it. And I struggled a lot with my attitude. I was cranky and snapped too often at my kids. I was short and rude to Andrew way too many times. Let’s just say I’ve had to do a lot of repenting recently!

Just in the past two weeks I’ve finally felt true love for Eloise. That heart-bursting, overwhelming love that washes over you when you look at your kids. I tell you this, mamas, to encourage you to keep going, keep doing the loving actions, keep walking that path God put you on, keep trusting Him, and that love will come. It’ll become more natural and suddenly, you’ll realize it’s real. I loved her from the moment I knew I was expecting her, don’t get me wrong. But through those hard weeks, I had to just go through the motions. My heart was hard because of what I was dealing with (not necessarily great, but it’s true) and I didn’t feel a whole lot of love for anyone.

When it hit me recently that I really, truly love her with all my life, I cried. I didn’t even totally realize it was missing until it was there. And it made me sad that it hadn’t been felt by me. It also made me overjoyed that I had gotten there. I had made it through that suffering to the other side.

Looking back, I can so clearly see that in every moment, in every minute aspect of that suffering God was an ever-present help. A friend would text or stop over to pray with me. A friend would bring me a bar of chocolate and a hug. My hubby would lay next to Eloise and I and just hug me. My kids would peek in my room and just say Hi Mom, can I give you a hug? His Spirit would wash over me and comfort me while I was crying. Andrew would walk in when I was having a sob fest, kneel by my bed and talk to me.

And God blessed me so abundantly with an amazing baby. She’s so sweet and happy. She sleeps through the night and takes great naps. He’s blessed me with awesome kids who took care of each other and the house when I was down. He’s blessed me with a husband who takes my rudeness and responds with kindness. God also blessed me with lessons I wouldn’t have learned without that trial – how dependent I truly am on Him, how selfish and ugly my heart is without Him, how I need His help everyday to be a godly mama. I don’t deserve God’s mercy and goodness, but I’ll accept it.

I’m not trying to diminish other’s experiences or suffering. I know many friends who are walking a darker, bumpier, and much longer road than mine. Awful divorce, long term illness, chronic illness, numerous losses, life is just hard. Take heart, my friends. God IS with you. If you look at the circumstances, you’ll despair. But if you look at the cross, you’ll overcome!

In The Waiting

We’re closing in on the birth of this next baby. You’d think by now I’d be used to the waiting, but turns out I’m an extremely impatient person! Every time, I feel this impatience grow. Part of it is just wanting to be done being pregnant, part of it is wanting to meet this new little blessing, part of it is wanting to be past labor and on the other side.

But God. He’s been teaching me so much these last few weeks about enjoying the moment and being present where we’re placed. I’m definitely not good at that as I’m a planner by heart. I love to pull out my planner and write all the things for the week. I love to look ahead and see what’s coming this summer.

No matter how much you plan and look ahead and anticipate, you can’t make a baby come faster! They come when God ordains, at least for me they do. I don’t go the traditional route and let a doctor dictate inductions. I let my body and the baby decide, as long as we’re healthy and doing fine, of course. But in the midst of choosing that route, there’s the knowledge that I could be waiting much longer than I want to be waiting!

My first six babies came via c-sections and I never had to wait to 40 weeks or longer. My twin boys were at 36 weeks, unexpectedly because I got so sick. I had HELLP syndrome, where my liver was being adversely affected by high blood pressure, and PUPPS rash, where I itched all over my torso from an awful rash. There was no other choice than to take the babies out and let my body heal. It was so hard and so traumatic for all three of us.

My next 3 pregnancies were repeat c-sections because, well, that’s what you do, right? I’m not trying to downplay babies coming into this world via c-sections. They were still amazing experiences and I really knew no different so there was no expectation that wasn’t met.

At this point in our lives, we had six children under seven years old and to say we were overwhelmed would be an understatement. We were pressured into a tubal ligation, which I regretted from the moment I got it done. In fact it was a moment where the Holy Spirit was speaking very clearly to me and I disobeyed. (Another story for another day!)

Three years and a whole lot of hard life later, and I just knew we had to reverse the ligation. Two months after we did we found out we were pregnant! I knew I wanted something different this time around. I knew I didn’t want another c-section. What was interesting is that my OB actually mentioned that to me at an appointment. She wondered if we could somehow avoid another c-section. Of course, no hospital would even consider helping me with a VBAC after four c-sections.

I kept praying over it and taking care of my body with good food and exercise. I would search the internet, looking for a midwife that would be willing to help me. One day I prayed, Lord, if this is what you want for me and this baby, lead me to the right help. I googled midwives near me one more time and a new one came up. I emailed her without much hope, because all the others had turned me down. Much to my surprise, she responded with a yes, I’d be happy to meet with you and help you. Andrew still wasn’t totally on board with the idea of a home birth so as we were driving to meet her, he was praying the Lord would show him this was the right path. Believe it or not, the answer came in the form of a kid’s coloring book. We had our kids with us and she offered them coloring. They were arguing over who got to color first and she said, “I have one more coloring book but it’s a Bible one and I’m never sure if people will want their kids to have it or not.” Andrew knew right then that she was the help the Lord was sending us.

Dottie’s birth, 2020

Heidi, David, Jacob, Lukas and Dottie have all been born with her help. We couldn’t ask for a better midwife and friend. She’s one of the family now! She’s been a true Godsend, giving me the opportunity to experience raw, beautiful birth. She’s helped me see the amazing ability of a woman’s body and encouraged me every step of the way. She’s been there to tell me, “You can do it!” when I think I can’t. She’s been there to save the life of my baby and me when things weren’t going well. She’s been there to experience the joy we feel when we add to our family.

Dottie’s birth, 2020

Back to the decision to take this route. It comes with the knowledge of waiting for baby to come. My last five births have followed a pattern of sorts. While they’ve all been different, there are definitely similarities.

For instance, my water usually breaks right around my due date. But not a big break, just a small trickle. One that isn’t enough to send me into labor. From that point on, I labor overnight every night for 8 to 14 days. And then, the contractions stop as morning nears. Super fun. They are intense enough where I can’t sleep and I can’t stay laying down. So I walk. And sway. And pray. Then I get a few hours of sleep before the kids wake up and the day begins. It’s the most exhausting thing ever. I don’t ever feel the need to train for a marathon. Those nights are my marathon.

And then, finally contractions won’t stop and baby comes. Heidi was sweet and came in the evening. The rest came in the early morning hours so I was up all night laboring.

Waiting until 41 1/2 to 42 weeks is a trial. Waiting night after night, wondering if the contractions will continue or stop is a trial. Wondering when it’s real and when it’s not is a mind game.

Of course it’s all worth it when you hold that sweet newborn in your arms. And then in the blink of an eye, that baby is a week old, a month old, a year old. And I forget all that waiting.

This time around, I’m trying really hard to just be present in the day I’ve been given and I’m trying hard not to wish these days away. I don’t know if this baby will follow the same pattern or not. All I know is I’ve been given this time to wait. And I can learn from it and enjoy it. I can choose to wish the days away and speed up the time. Or I can choose to enjoy my kids and engage with them and be present in the time I’m given right now. It’s not easy and I have to continually make the choice over and over, day after day. Sometimes even moment by moment.

What are you waiting for? What are you anticipating? And what are you missing because of allowing your mind to dwell on what’s to come?

How do you choose to be present? I’m still learning this skill and I think I flounder more than succeed at it. I’d love to hear your ideas!

The Lord tells us, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

I say each day has enough blessing to enjoy too! Find it, dwell on it, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. As a good friend of mind often says, “That sounds like a tomorrow me problem!”