Have you ever found yourself in a brand new role and been a bit scared? Maybe there are a lot of unknowns and no how-to manual. You love the role so much and are so terrified you’re going to royally mess it up?
It’s where I find myself this week.
I remember becoming a mama almost 22 years ago and feeling this same feeling. I loved being mom but had no idea what I was doing! And I was so scared I’d mess it up. Looking back, I did mess it up, a lot. But God’s grace was always sufficient.
I have to remind myself that today God’s grace is still sufficient. He’s still right here and I can ask for His wisdom and guidance and He’s faithful to give them.
I’m so excited to be called Oma this week! And also a bit terrified! I have no idea how to walk out this role.
Sweet little John Henry was added to the family a week ago and he’s stolen all our hearts!
When I first held him I was so overwhelmed with it all I didn’t even know what I was feeling. I had to go home and process it all for a while. I realized I was feeling fear. I think because I just don’t know how to be an Oma and I don’t want to mess it up.
I’ve been a mama so long and been in charge of my kid’s days, routine, food, everything that I’m not sure how to transition. I’ll probably mess it up a time or two. (Samuel and Liv, you can tell me when I do!)
It’s made me think of my grandma, who passed away a year ago. At her funeral I shared how no matter who came through her door, she just loved. She hugged and smiled. She fed us and spent time with us. I keep thinking of how loved I always felt with her and I guess there’s my answer.
Just love the little guy. Snuggle and hug and spend time with him.
The kids, of course, do this so naturally. They’re so good at modeling how to love well for me! And they are so thrilled to be called Auntie and Uncle!
Welcome to the world and to our family, John Henry! We love you so much and thank God for you everyday!
Independence Day. What does it mean? Do we just think of BBQ and fireworks? A day off from work? A project day around the house?
Or do we think about why we have this day off? Do we stop and ponder why there are fireworks?
Having a son in the Marines has caused me to stop and ponder way more often about these holidays over the past year than ever before. They hit my heart differently now. Maybe because it’s become more personal and I’ve got a piece of my heart invested in it now.
My seven year old got all dressed up in his military costume today. Why? Not necessarily because it’s the 4th of July. But because he’s got a military brother. And, you know what he said?
“I’m getting all dressed up because Isaiah is coming home today.”
My heart broke a bit when he said that because I had to disappoint him by telling him Isaiah wouldn’t be home today.
I snapped this photo and sent it to Isaiah and told him the story. He was sad too. But here’s the thing.
Though my heart hurts and my tears leak, I’m at peace with where Isaiah is at because I know he is where God wants him. I also know not everyone can do the job of protecting our country. And I’m thankful God puts that drive and desire in the hearts of amazing men and women.
Whatever your beliefs about all the things going on in our country and around the world, be thankful you get to hold those beliefs. Be thankful we are free to disagree and see things differently. Be thankful there are brave men and women willing to fight for your right to disagree.
Stop for a moment and ponder Independence Day. Over 250 years ago, men were willing to lay down their lives for your freedom. They weren’t just thinking about their own freedom, but about the generations to come after them and what freedom should look like for all. Were they perfect men? No. And none of us are today. But their fight was valid and still affects us today. And for that we can be thankful.
I’m so thankful for my son, Isaiah, and all those serving. I’m so proud of them all. They deserve our respect and support. Whether you agree or disagree with war, we’ve always needed protection and there are those few who are willing to lay down their lives for our freedom.
There’s only one other willing to sacrifice his life for us, to give us freedom. And he was and is perfect. And his sacrifice was perfect and enough for all of us to experience eternal freedom. Do you know him? He is Jesus.
Jesus laid down his life for you and me, to cover and wash our sins away so we could have freedom from death. He wants you to enjoy that freedom. All you need to do is accept it.
“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galatians 5:13 ESV
Our soldiers serve you, Jesus serves you. Accept it, be thankful for it, and praise Jesus for it. Thank you, Isaiah. Thank you, Jesus!
Sweet Eloise is over two months old already. It’s such a strange paradox when I think about how long two months felt while waiting for her and how fast these two months have gone. It’s really unexplainable other than it truly is a mind game when you’re in the waiting.
After Eloise was born, since she is my twelfth child, I figured everything would be fairly easy and uncomplicated. I mean, I’ve done this before, right? I’ve nursed eleven other babies, I’ve recovered from nine other births, one of which was extremely trying. But, I had to be reminded, Eloise hadn’t done any of it before. She was brand new at everything in life.
I thought nursing started out well, but it became apparent very quickly, that she wasn’t latching well. My midwife, Amber was amazing at trying to help and she quickly suggested we bring in some experts. We ended up with a whole team of people trying to help Eloise nurse properly. Amber, a chiropractor, a craniosacral therapist, and a lactation consultant. They were all amazing and so helpful, but Eloise still just wasn’t doing great. And I was doing horribly. I was in so much pain and cried so many tears those first few weeks and was really not in a good place emotionally.
We ended up having a tongue tie revision done and though I hated to put my little baby through that, I’m so thankful we did. She was five weeks old when we had that done and the dentist said it would take about two weeks for her to develop better nursing habits.
One morning I was nursing Eloise and it suddenly occurred to me that she was seven weeks old and I was nursing without pain! We were finally past it! I texted my two closest friends and told them and they rejoiced with me as they’d been walking alongside me on that bumpy road.
God was teaching me during those seven weeks, of course. I remember so many times, lying in bed, crying out to Him for healing and being angry and saddened that He wasn’t answering me. I kept saying, you can take this right now, Lord, why aren’t you? I felt He was so silent for so long.
Truth be told, I didn’t want to be taught anything. I just wanted what I wanted. I realized that in one of my pity parties during that time. And in that moment, I saw the selfishness in my heart that I so often call out in my kids. I had to repent of that selfishness and submit to God’s plan. Not easy to do!
Mamas, I want you to be encouraged in this too. During those weeks, I kept taking care of Eloise, nursing through the pain and tears, cuddling her, tending to her needs. I kept taking care of my family as much as I could and taking help from others. I did the things that needed to be done. Because that’s what we do as mamas. But I didn’t enjoy any of it. I didn’t want to do any of it. And I struggled a lot with my attitude. I was cranky and snapped too often at my kids. I was short and rude to Andrew way too many times. Let’s just say I’ve had to do a lot of repenting recently!
Just in the past two weeks I’ve finally felt true love for Eloise. That heart-bursting, overwhelming love that washes over you when you look at your kids. I tell you this, mamas, to encourage you to keep going, keep doing the loving actions, keep walking that path God put you on, keep trusting Him, and that love will come. It’ll become more natural and suddenly, you’ll realize it’s real. I loved her from the moment I knew I was expecting her, don’t get me wrong. But through those hard weeks, I had to just go through the motions. My heart was hard because of what I was dealing with (not necessarily great, but it’s true) and I didn’t feel a whole lot of love for anyone.
When it hit me recently that I really, truly love her with all my life, I cried. I didn’t even totally realize it was missing until it was there. And it made me sad that it hadn’t been felt by me. It also made me overjoyed that I had gotten there. I had made it through that suffering to the other side.
Looking back, I can so clearly see that in every moment, in every minute aspect of that suffering God was an ever-present help. A friend would text or stop over to pray with me. A friend would bring me a bar of chocolate and a hug. My hubby would lay next to Eloise and I and just hug me. My kids would peek in my room and just say Hi Mom, can I give you a hug? His Spirit would wash over me and comfort me while I was crying. Andrew would walk in when I was having a sob fest, kneel by my bed and talk to me.
And God blessed me so abundantly with an amazing baby. She’s so sweet and happy. She sleeps through the night and takes great naps. He’s blessed me with awesome kids who took care of each other and the house when I was down. He’s blessed me with a husband who takes my rudeness and responds with kindness. God also blessed me with lessons I wouldn’t have learned without that trial – how dependent I truly am on Him, how selfish and ugly my heart is without Him, how I need His help everyday to be a godly mama. I don’t deserve God’s mercy and goodness, but I’ll accept it.
I’m not trying to diminish other’s experiences or suffering. I know many friends who are walking a darker, bumpier, and much longer road than mine. Awful divorce, long term illness, chronic illness, numerous losses, life is just hard. Take heart, my friends. God IS with you. If you look at the circumstances, you’ll despair. But if you look at the cross, you’ll overcome!
When my son Isaiah was about 2 years old we had a little inflatable pool in the back yard. It was about 18″ deep and the boys were playing in it. They were running around in the water, laughing and splashing. Andrew was on one side of the little pool and I was on the other. We were paying attention to the boys but also talking to friends.
I heard a louder than usual splash and looked over to see Isaiah go under. He was on the opposite side of the pool from me so I hollered, “Andrew! Grab him!” He turned quickly and saw Isaiah. We both saw him floating between the bottom of the pool and the surface of the water. It was so eerie and was really only seconds but felt like minutes. Andrew reached in and grabbed Isaiah and lifted him into his arms.
Isaiah sputtered and cried but was fine.
I thought about this story recently because it’s a bit how I’ve felt these last few weeks. Kind of like I’ve been floating between the bottom and the surface.
Sweet Eloise!
Having a baby is so wonderful and amazing and also the hardest thing a woman will ever do. I don’t think our society gives enough attention to this fact. Most women I’ve talked to have this expectation that they need to just get back up and get back to life quickly. Many women go back to work 6 to 12 weeks after giving birth. Many are making meals and doing laundry a few days after birth.
What are we doing to ourselves?
Did you know you have a giant wound in your body after having a baby? If that giant wound were on the outside, a doctor, friends, everyone would tell you to rest and let it heal. But I think because it’s unseen it’s not given attention. And its not just a physical toll on your body. The mental and emotional strain is very real and also not talked about enough.
The last week as I’ve talked to other mamas I’ve heard the same story multiple times and it’s made me feel not alone. “I had more sad days after that baby than any other”. “I had horrible post partum depression”. “I cried a lot after that baby”.
I faced severe postpartum after both sets of twins so I’m familiar with it. It’s not a fun place to be and you can feel so alone. This time around I definitely had more sad and hard days than with some of my other babies, but not to the extent I had with the sets of twins.
But what I want you to hear, mama, is it’s ok. It’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to think it’s too hard. It’s ok to feel like you are failing. Just don’t sit in it alone. Reach out. Almost every mama I’ve ever met has experienced these emotions to some degree in the year or two following a baby. We all get it. Don’t think you are alone or another mama won’t understand. We get it. We really do!
I said to my husband a few weeks ago, I just don’t feel like myself. He said, “I know. I can tell. And it’s ok. You just had a baby and it was hard. I’m here for you and praying for you and I’ll take any of the burden that I can. Just tell me.”
Baby snuggles are the best.
Just saying it out loud made it lose its power over me. Just voicing it made my mind clear some and hearing that i wasn’t alone lifted my spirit. I want you to hear these words too.
You’re not alone.
I am here for you.
I’ll pray for you and lift whatever burden I can for you.
Lastly, I want you to hear this above everything else. Mama, get into the Word of God. Everyday.
Please don’t tell me you’re too busy. I know busy. I’m so busy I work in my sleep! The busier you are, the more you need God. Get into His Word.
I’m memorizing Psalm 91 this summer. Join me! I’d love to challenge each other to get His Word into our hearts. If you see me, ask me how it’s going!
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked. Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place— the Most High, who is my refuge— no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot. “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91:1-16 ESV https://bible.com/bible/59/psa.91.1-16.ESV
Read those words, Mama. He’s speaking them to you. Who needs his refuge and shelter? We do. Mamas have the hardest job on the planet. But with God, we can be victorious and see the enemies trampled. One of those enemies is these feelings of hopelessness, failure, depression, sadness.
He is my refuge and my fortress. He has lifted me from floating slightly submerged to the surface. He can do the same for you.
Oh goodness! It’s been forever since I’ve been here. I’ve been itching to write and yet, not sure what to write. And so the weeks tick by.
I think I’ll just start with the story of welcoming sweet Eloise Faith Schwab into our lives. There’s so many stories surrounding waiting for her, her arrival, and these last few weeks. But let’s start with the story everyone wants to hear! How she got here!
I was very impatiently waiting for our little girl to decide to make her entrance for about three weeks. Though my five before her came after 41 weeks, I was really hoping and anticipating for this one to come a little early. I think the Lord just laughed at me.
Cue 42 weeks. I was so sick of being pregnant, so tired and sore and frustrated. I was also completely in denial that she was ever going to come. My midwife kept saying, don’t worry, she’ll come. I knew in my heart she would but my head was at war!
Resurrection Sunday was not like any other Resurrection Sunday I’d experienced! We hadn’t planned anything in the way of celebrating because we were sure we’d be recovering from having a baby. And yet, the day arrived and still no baby. The kids had been at a friends because we kept thinking, surely today is the day. And everyday would pass with no baby. So, all the kids came home for Sunday so we could enjoy some family time together and a nice meal. Thankfully, a couple weeks prior I had bought some chocolates for the kids so we handed those out, played games and had a nice supper together.
Throughout the day, I had contractions that were strong and caused me to stop but were sporadic. I figured they would just quit again anyway so I paid them as little attention as possible. That evening I texted my midwife at about 7:30 and told her I had been having contractions every 7 to 20 minutes that were strong. She decided to come spend the night, just in case, figuring if they did ramp up it would happen quickly. This was the third night she and my good friend who was helping out got to spend the night! I hadn’t had so many sleepovers with girlfriends since high school!
I had contractions all night that were sporadic and again, I was in such denial that this baby would ever come, that I just tried to get as much sleep as possible. Some were strong enough that I would have to get out of bed and stand. I don’t manage contractions well laying down. I need to be up and over them. But in between I’d lay back down and rest or even fall asleep.
Morning came, and wouldn’t you know it, everything stopped. Andrew made us all a nice breakfast and we sat around the table chatting. It was a really nice, quiet morning. But at the same time my level of frustration was at an all time high and all I wanted was to feel contractions.
My midwife and friend were amazing through all this. They were encouraging, uplifting, and loving. We decided to try to move baby a bit and get her in a better position as her head seemed a bit tilted. So, I got to lay in an open-chest knee position (you can look it up if you really want to know) for 45 minutes while they took turns massaging my legs and back. I actually felt baby drop out of my pelvis and shift. It was pretty cool!
After that we walked a mile and a half, had lunch, and then did stair lunges. Still no contractions. By this time I was pretty tired and we lounged around the living room for a while. Andrew had multiple fires going at work and decided, well if baby isn’t coming, I have to go help out at work for a bit. So he left and I decided to take a nap.
Of course, when I laid down contractions started. But I figured they would stop again so I napped. Then I started timing them because they suddenly seemed more consistent. Soon I felt like they were more intense but I was afraid to get out of bed for fear they would stop again. I kept praying, Jesus, please let these continue. Nothing like praying for pain to continue!
I texted Amber and Jenny, who were downstairs. I asked Amber to come upstairs and Jenny to call Andrew and tell him to come home. When Amber came upstairs I said, “These contractions are pretty intense and about 5 minutes apart but I’m afraid to get up because I don’t want them to stop, but I’m not managing them well laying down.” She stood by me, rubbing my legs and back and calmly talking me through each contraction.
Jenny called Andrew and then came upstairs. They took turns next to me and getting things ready around me. I kept thinking between contractions, where is Andrew? After a bit, Amber said, “I don’t think these are going to quit. You can get up out of bed if that would help you.”
I was skeptical because, honestly, I kind of expected them to quit again! But I got up and knelt by my bed and laid my head on the bed. They brought my birthing ball in and I sat on that and bounced between contractions. Andrew finally showed up and rubbed my back and hips with every contraction which helped so much. Shortly thereafter Amber told me the water was nice and warm and I could get in the tub.
I was like, really? Won’t my contractions just quit? I was still in denial, which maybe helped me manage the contractions! I told myself, two more contractions and if they are just as intense as these, I’ll get in the tub. Well, they were, so I headed to the bathroom. I had to pee and while on the toilet I started shaking.
Suddenly it hit me! Oh my goodness! I’m in transition! That was the point I realized I was actually in true labor and this baby was actually going to come! Crazy, I know.
I got in the tub at 7:20pm and had to start pushing within minutes of getting in. Amber had me sit back against the tub and hold Andrew’s hands. He was so great, encouraging me with gentle words. He was praying the whole time. There is nothing more heartwarming than knowing your spouse is praying for you.
Her sweet head was born quickly and then I thought, ok, good, one more push and she’ll be here. Then I pushed and pushed and pushed. And she didn’t move!
After a few minutes, Amber told me to switch to my hands and knees and put one leg up. At that moment I thought I cannot push harder. I’m not sure what else to do. I didn’t know this at the time, but at that very moment Amber was thinking I can’t do this; I have to do this; I’m the one in charge. And at that very moment Jenny felt like she needed to lay her hands on Amber and I and pray so she did. When she did that Amber felt a surge of confidence and I felt a surge of power and we worked together to bring Eloise into the world. It wasn’t easy but the Lord was with us in every moment!
At 8:21pm Eloise Faith Schwab came into the world and was snuggled up on my chest. Poor thing was a little bruised but healthy.
I was sobbing and shaking but so joyful she was in my arms. We all marveled at how big she was! I kept thinking I was going to have a small baby and an easy birth. Not so much!
It’s amazing in that moment how nothing matters but that sweet new life. Is she breathing? Does she look ok? Is it actually a girl? I always shocked at a mama’s brain. We can be almost ripped to shreds and yet think nothing of it; all our attention is on this tiny, precious person and if they are ok. We could be at a 10 on the pain charts, bleeding, bruised, weak, and hurting everywhere and yet all our attention is focused on someone else.
We shouldn’t wonder why mamas get burnt out!
Shortly after she was born we headed to bed and snuggled and nursed. My placenta didn’t want to come for quite a while and I could tell my midwife was getting a bit nervous. We all prayed aloud and asked Jesus to intervene and he did! Praise Him, it came and I could finally lay back in bed and crash.
There’s so much more that’s gone on these past few weeks, but for now, enjoy Eloise’s birth story.
Recently, I was studying the book of Jonah with my teens. I asked them, “What character traits of God do you see displayed in this book?”
My daughter, who is the most compassionate one of all of us, always caring for others and looking out for the animals, said, I see God’s compassion toward the people of Ninevah.
Then she said something that struck me. “It made me think about how much more compassion I need to have toward those around me.”
Now, this is the kid who will cry along with a sibling just because she feels their pain or sorrow. She’s the one, who for some unknown reason, always finds the dead animals on our farm and comes sobbing to the house to be comforted. She will hug you just because she senses your sadness or frustration. She’ll always, and I truly mean always, set aside her wants and desires to accommodate her siblings or friends.
Of all the people, I wouldn’t have expected her to say she needed to have more compassion toward others.
It was a profound reminder that none of us have ever arrived. Our gifts and talents aren’t ever perfected this side of heaven and we can all always improve, even if we’re good at something.
It also reminded me how much I can learn from these young people in my home. So often, we forget how intelligent and how in tune to the Holy Spirit our kids are. Often they get it so much faster and deeper than we do! There’s a reason God said we had to become like little children to enter His kingdom. These kids get it! And if we’re willing, they can teach us so much.
Growing up I remember many times where we as kids were brushed aside and told to be quiet. At family gatherings there were lots of us cousins and, while I’m sure we were loud and rambunctious, we were always told to play in the basement or outside. Our thoughts and opinions weren’t asked of us and didn’t seem to matter.
Now, I’m not perfect at this, but my goal is to be humble enough to realize I haven’t arrived yet, just like my kids, and they have a lot to teach me about this world, how to treat others, and about who God is.
Jesus said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.”
We’re closing in on the birth of this next baby. You’d think by now I’d be used to the waiting, but turns out I’m an extremely impatient person! Every time, I feel this impatience grow. Part of it is just wanting to be done being pregnant, part of it is wanting to meet this new little blessing, part of it is wanting to be past labor and on the other side.
But God. He’s been teaching me so much these last few weeks about enjoying the moment and being present where we’re placed. I’m definitely not good at that as I’m a planner by heart. I love to pull out my planner and write all the things for the week. I love to look ahead and see what’s coming this summer.
No matter how much you plan and look ahead and anticipate, you can’t make a baby come faster! They come when God ordains, at least for me they do. I don’t go the traditional route and let a doctor dictate inductions. I let my body and the baby decide, as long as we’re healthy and doing fine, of course. But in the midst of choosing that route, there’s the knowledge that I could be waiting much longer than I want to be waiting!
My first six babies came via c-sections and I never had to wait to 40 weeks or longer. My twin boys were at 36 weeks, unexpectedly because I got so sick. I had HELLP syndrome, where my liver was being adversely affected by high blood pressure, and PUPPS rash, where I itched all over my torso from an awful rash. There was no other choice than to take the babies out and let my body heal. It was so hard and so traumatic for all three of us.
My next 3 pregnancies were repeat c-sections because, well, that’s what you do, right? I’m not trying to downplay babies coming into this world via c-sections. They were still amazing experiences and I really knew no different so there was no expectation that wasn’t met.
At this point in our lives, we had six children under seven years old and to say we were overwhelmed would be an understatement. We were pressured into a tubal ligation, which I regretted from the moment I got it done. In fact it was a moment where the Holy Spirit was speaking very clearly to me and I disobeyed. (Another story for another day!)
Three years and a whole lot of hard life later, and I just knew we had to reverse the ligation. Two months after we did we found out we were pregnant! I knew I wanted something different this time around. I knew I didn’t want another c-section. What was interesting is that my OB actually mentioned that to me at an appointment. She wondered if we could somehow avoid another c-section. Of course, no hospital would even consider helping me with a VBAC after four c-sections.
I kept praying over it and taking care of my body with good food and exercise. I would search the internet, looking for a midwife that would be willing to help me. One day I prayed, Lord, if this is what you want for me and this baby, lead me to the right help. I googled midwives near me one more time and a new one came up. I emailed her without much hope, because all the others had turned me down. Much to my surprise, she responded with a yes, I’d be happy to meet with you and help you. Andrew still wasn’t totally on board with the idea of a home birth so as we were driving to meet her, he was praying the Lord would show him this was the right path. Believe it or not, the answer came in the form of a kid’s coloring book. We had our kids with us and she offered them coloring. They were arguing over who got to color first and she said, “I have one more coloring book but it’s a Bible one and I’m never sure if people will want their kids to have it or not.” Andrew knew right then that she was the help the Lord was sending us.
Dottie’s birth, 2020
Heidi, David, Jacob, Lukas and Dottie have all been born with her help. We couldn’t ask for a better midwife and friend. She’s one of the family now! She’s been a true Godsend, giving me the opportunity to experience raw, beautiful birth. She’s helped me see the amazing ability of a woman’s body and encouraged me every step of the way. She’s been there to tell me, “You can do it!” when I think I can’t. She’s been there to save the life of my baby and me when things weren’t going well. She’s been there to experience the joy we feel when we add to our family.
Dottie’s birth, 2020
Back to the decision to take this route. It comes with the knowledge of waiting for baby to come. My last five births have followed a pattern of sorts. While they’ve all been different, there are definitely similarities.
For instance, my water usually breaks right around my due date. But not a big break, just a small trickle. One that isn’t enough to send me into labor. From that point on, I labor overnight every night for 8 to 14 days. And then, the contractions stop as morning nears. Super fun. They are intense enough where I can’t sleep and I can’t stay laying down. So I walk. And sway. And pray. Then I get a few hours of sleep before the kids wake up and the day begins. It’s the most exhausting thing ever. I don’t ever feel the need to train for a marathon. Those nights are my marathon.
And then, finally contractions won’t stop and baby comes. Heidi was sweet and came in the evening. The rest came in the early morning hours so I was up all night laboring.
Waiting until 41 1/2 to 42 weeks is a trial. Waiting night after night, wondering if the contractions will continue or stop is a trial. Wondering when it’s real and when it’s not is a mind game.
Of course it’s all worth it when you hold that sweet newborn in your arms. And then in the blink of an eye, that baby is a week old, a month old, a year old. And I forget all that waiting.
This time around, I’m trying really hard to just be present in the day I’ve been given and I’m trying hard not to wish these days away. I don’t know if this baby will follow the same pattern or not. All I know is I’ve been given this time to wait. And I can learn from it and enjoy it. I can choose to wish the days away and speed up the time. Or I can choose to enjoy my kids and engage with them and be present in the time I’m given right now. It’s not easy and I have to continually make the choice over and over, day after day. Sometimes even moment by moment.
What are you waiting for? What are you anticipating? And what are you missing because of allowing your mind to dwell on what’s to come?
How do you choose to be present? I’m still learning this skill and I think I flounder more than succeed at it. I’d love to hear your ideas!
The Lord tells us, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34
I say each day has enough blessing to enjoy too! Find it, dwell on it, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. As a good friend of mind often says, “That sounds like a tomorrow me problem!”
Today is my mom’s birthday. She would have been 65 today. And she has been gone 21 years now, which just seems impossible. I remember the year after she passed away, but it’s like looking through thick fog when I think back to that year. I had twin 5 month old baby boys, we had just moved back to Northfield and were living in my parent’s basement, Andrew was commuting an hour to work, my dad was drinking heavily, and life was being turned upside down. My mom, one of my best friends and one of the strongest people on the planet had succumbed to cancer.
Because we were living with my parents and my dad was less than helpful, I found myself in the role of care giver to my mom AND to two babies. I was a new mom, trying to figure it all out and doubting my abilities greatly. On top of that I had no idea how to care for a seriously sick person. I tried to be strong, hold it all together, but really everything was falling apart.
I remember one instance where I was in the basement trying to get my babies down for a nap. I suddenly heard above me my mom throwing up. I went upstairs to try to take care of her and found her lying on the couch in misery. She looked awful and I just burst into tears. I sat next to her on the floor, talking to her through my sobs, trying to be the comforter and ending up being comforted by her. She was always like that.
After she passed away, I read her journals. She had written about that day. She shared how I had come to her crying and how she tried to comfort me. She wrote how I was trying to be supermom and she wanted to encourage me but just felt so sick she didn’t have the energy to.
I needed her so much in those days. And she wasn’t able to be there for me. I wasn’t really able to be there for her either. We were just kind of struggling along beside each other, both worried about so much and just trying to hang on.
That year following her death was horrible, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for me. I was so angry at God I couldn’t talk to Him for a long time. I was depressed and grieving and who ever really knows how to grieve!
I made a choice in that year to not stay in that yuck. I found a counselor and by God’s grace she had lost her mom in a similar way. She helped me so much. She let me cry and talk and rage and cry some more. And somehow in the midst of that I started to talk to God again. And guess what, He was still as ever present as He’d ever been and His love was abundant.
I can’t say I’ll ever completely get over her death. I still say it’s unfair and she was too young. I still say she’d love all these grandkids and be the best Oma. But it’s okay too. I can also say I trust God in the midst of the unknowns.
Are you stuck? Are you living in yuck from your past? Are you unable to get past it and use it as excuses for why you are the way you are now?
I want you to hear this truth. You don’t have to stay there!
Find a counselor! Talk to God and spend time with Him. Put in the effort to work through the hard and the yuck, even if it seems too painful to bear. It’s so worth it on the other side. I don’t live in that yuck anymore. I don’t respond from that hurt anymore. I can live my life to the fullest and enjoy it all because I worked through that really really tough stuff.
You can too! Trust me. It’s not easy but it is possible.
I remember my mom taking such good care of herself. She spent time with God. And I don’t mean reading a devotional that gives you one verse of scripture and then paragraphs of someone else’s thoughts. I mean really spend time with Him – read His Word, ponder it and pray over it.
She spent time gardening and reading because she loved those things and they brought her joy. Don’t tell yourself you don’t have time because you have too many kids or other things to do. It’s so important to do the things you love too and show your family that that’s an important part of life.
She also walked an hour or more a day. Move your body! Exercise! There’s nothing that combats depression better than moving and getting into nature where God is unfiltered! She ate healthy too, although she was known to drive down the street to the nearest grocery store and buy a bag of Doritoes, lay on the couch, read, and eat the entire bag! My sister and I always knew that bag was off limits! It’s all about balance, right?!
My mom died just before her 44th birthday. Those things she did to take care of herself didn’t give her a long life. There’s no guarantee for that. But the life she did live was full, vibrant, and full of joy. And when it came time to meet Jesus, she was ready.
It might seem overwhelming to get unstuck but just start with one thing. Maybe you need to commit to finding a counselor first and let the other things come later. Pray about it and let God lead you. Just do it – get unstuck!
I used to do this. I don’t know if it’s what a counselor would call it. But it goes like this.
A friend or relative approaches you with something. Maybe you’re child acts hurtfully toward their child. And they come to tell you. In the outside you act like it’s ok, maybe even thank them for letting you know.
But in the inside. Well, you start to spiral. You let your thoughts run wild. They must not like my kid. They must think I’m a horrible mom. They just said that to push us away. They don’t want to be friends with me.
The list goes on. Suddenly a week or two later you’ve convinced yourself they are no longer your friend and you have anxiety just thinking about possibly seeing them again.
Ever been there? Maybe you do it so often you don’t even realize you do it anymore. Maybe it’s just a natural cycle in your mind you’ve even convinced yourself that thought process is truthful.
It’s not. Please, take a moment and truly and honestly assess your thoughts. Do it daily. The Lord knew we’d do this.
He spoke to us through Paul in 2 Corinthians 10 about this very thing. “Take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
It’s not easy at first, believe me. You’ve been ingrained in a bad habit for a long time and there’s going to be a battle to get out of it. I remember having this battle.
At first it seems like every few minutes you have to assess your thoughts and take them captive. What does that mean? Well, for me it meant telling myself to stop thinking that thought and then actively replacing it with truth. It meant having a lost of verses written out in my kitchen, my bathroom, and by my bed. I’d have to take the thought captive and then read a verse or two and pray over it.
Most of my verses had to do with what God said about me and about who He is.
At first it may feel line you’re losing the battle and you might even grow weary. But having verses that talk about victory and keeping the end goal in mind of having a healthier mental state helps a lot.
When you spiral like that and let yourself do it, you’ll find you’ll lost friends, not because they actually don’t want to be your friend, but because you push them away with your negative thoughts. You create in your mind a huge problem when it’s really very small and would possibly require prayer or a quick conversation with that person.
Remember too, that you are in control of your thoughts. They don’t have to control you. And don’t use those spiraling thoughts as an excuse to run away from healthy conflict and conversation. Your relationships can actually be healthier and deeper if you are willing to admit you spiral and try to battle against it. More than likely your friends will want to know this struggle and will pray over you and with you! Instead of being isolated, you can find yourself in healthier, stronger community!
It’s all easier said than done, but it’s not impossible. Nothing is, with Jesus!
I wrote that this morning in my journal and, boy, did it strike me! How in the world did we get to 2023?!
Like you, I’ve seen almost every kind of New Year’s resolution on social media – weight loss, getting in shape, eating healthier, spending time more wisely, getting out of debt. The list goes on.
But what I haven’t seen a lot of is improving mental and emotional health. Maybe because it isn’t an easy topic, maybe because people don’t know what to do about it, maybe because it feels to hard to work on.
But I believe it is so so important. More important than physical health or monetary security or a cleaner house. Those things can’t even really happen unless a person’s mental and emotional health are secure. But how does a person get there? What do you even begin with?
Well, for me personally, when I dealt with deep depression, the first step was just being honest with myself. Easy to say, really difficult to do. Because you have to face your own pain and insecurity, your own short comings, and your own past. It’s painful and no one really wants to go there .
But, the other side is so much more beautiful and wonderful and life giving. It’s worth it!
It looks different for everyone and we all need different things to heal, but here’s what I found for myself.
First I had to ask some hard questions. Am I too focused on the negative? How do I focus more on the positive? What got me to this place? Do I have some things in my past I need to face and deal with? Who and what am I blaming and what do I need to take responsibility for instead? Am I seeing what others do through a wrong perspective? Am I taking things personally that aren’t actually directed at me?
You have to sit with these a while. You can’t just quickly assess and move on. Sit and ponder and wonder. And be honest with yourself.
If you can’t get through these hard questions on your own, find a good counselor. There’s really good ones out there and it’s worth the time you put in! Don’t say you don’t have time to take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, I can guarantee you’re not doing a good job taking care of your family. And, more than likely, you’re passing your behaviors, wrong perspective, and bad attitude to your family.
I saw a counselor for quite a while when I was struggling and it helped so much to gain weapons for the battle. It helped to talk things out with an objective observer who could call me out on my wrong perspectives and attitudes and help me correct them. It’s not weakness to see a counselor. It shows courage and strength.
The other big resolution I think we need to see more of is spending time with God. This, above all else, will change your life. But I want to point out a very false movement I’ve seen over the last few years.
There’s this trend to encourage people to spend time in God’s Word, yet push this idea that a few minutes a day is all you need. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are days when all I have is a few minutes. But really that’s not going to change your life.
If you’re resolution is to lose weight, would five minutes on the treadmill change you? If your resolution is to be more wise with your money will skipping Caribou once a month change your pocketbook? Does your health get better because you sign up for a membership at the gym or because you spend time there?
I have seen this trend in churches and I think it’s extremely harmful. You can’t spend five minutes a day in God’s Word and the two hours a day on social media and expect a change. You can’t just read “the verse of the day” and see transformation.
Just like spending time with a counselor when it’s needed, it’s takes just that…time. And effort. And work. And diligence.
You have to make a choice either way. Will I sit stuck in the yuck? Or will I do the hard work so I see life-giving transformation?
I have much more to say on this, so tune in again. For now, start by being willing to be honest with yourself and spending time with God. Good time.
Get a beautiful Bible, journal, and colorful pens if it encourages you to spend time in God’s Word!
Desired Haven Farm 