desiredhavenfarm

Desired Haven

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I thought I’d share a quick story about how we ended up out here, in what seems like the middle of nowhere sometimes, and how we named our little patch of earth Desired Haven Farm.

Andrew and I are going on 20 years of marriage (WOW!) and many ideas and dreams have changed over those years. For one, we thought we’d have 2 kids and I’d be back to work after having those kids. But that’s another story 🙂

But one thing that had been a desire of ours was to be out in the country. We had always wanted a little plot of land somewhere to do what we wanted and let our kids run. Often we’d talk about what we wanted and sometimes over the years we’d even go check out properties or land. Most of the time we thought about building what we wanted. But the cost was always prohibitive or we didn’t find what we wanted.

Almost four years ago is where the story really gets going. We decided to put our house on the market and see what we could find. We looked all summer long and couldn’t find anything and our house just wasn’t selling. So after a few months we took it off the market and decided to add on. We put on a beautiful sunroom (that I still miss) and then thought we’d be fine. And we were…until we found out we were expecting baby number 9. We just couldn’t fit in our house anymore; no matter how we tried to lay it out we felt very squished.

Fast forward to the following spring when we decided we should take a trip before baby came. Not just any trip…a huge month long trip to Germany…with all eight kids…and a very pregnant mama. No big deal.

Midway through the summer as we were booking flights and renting cars for our trip, we found out a house I’d always loved was going on the market. And at a price we could afford. I told Andrew about it and he said, “Let’s do it.” I replied, “Don’t you want to look at it first?”

So we took a look, fell in love, and suddenly we were in a whirlwind of cleaning, organizing, and fixing things on our house. We threw our house on the market three days later and sold it 28 days later, just a week before I was supposed to fly out with the kids and a good friend to Germany!

I have to say, it ended up being a pretty good deal for me. I left the packing, cleaning, and moving in the hands of friends and my very capable husband, boarded a plane and went to enjoy family and scenery! Andrew got the short end of the deal, having to get everything out of the house in less than two weeks, close on our house without me, and fly to Germany, all while still working full time. He was haggard and exhausted by the time he arrived in Germany and had a well deserved break from it all.

The strangest part was leaving my house to head to the airport and then returning to the states to a new house. And yet, it felt like home from the minute we walked in the door. And it still does.

As Andrew and I used to dream about what we wanted in our country house we never dreamed we’d get it all. I used to always say I wanted a big front porch with lights and fans where we could enjoy the country air and view. Andrew always wanted a big, heated garage with floor drains where he could work on cars. We wanted a barn the kids could play in and space for animals. We wanted big trees the kids could climb and build a tree fort in.

Funny how God works, isn’t it? We never specifically prayed about wanting those items in a house and yet He answered them all! He gave us exactly what our heart’s desired.

Just a couple weeks after we moved in to our house, I realized the craziness the Lord had brought us through. It was a whirlwind of a summer and early fall. Looking back I wonder how in the world we made it, but I also look back on it with a fondness that only comes from knowing the Lord was directing our steps through it all. I had been thinking, in the midst of it all, what we should name our little farm. And, funny enough, God provided that too.

I was at a Bible Study and we read the verse Psalm 107:30, “They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.”

It struck me so profoundly then, and it still does. That’s exactly what had happened. He had guided us to our desired haven and we were so glad that it had grown calm! Of course life doesn’t stay calm, but that’s another story for another day…

And that’s how our little patch of earth got it’s name…Desired Haven Farm.

Super Mom, I am not…

Often, when people meet me and learn about my nine kids the first response is, “Wow, you are a Super Mom!”

I’m here to tell you I’m so far from anything ‘Super’. I’m just an average person with a crazy life, trying to stay afloat. I don’t have it all together and I don’t have perfect kids. Most of the time I have no idea what I’m even doing in this crazy parenting thing!

Don’t believe me? Right now there are toys strewn across EVERY room of my house, and I mean EVERY! Even MY bedroom. How do they get in there??? I can tell you I don’t play with them!

There are piles of clean and dirty laundry piled in numerous places, seeming to shout, I’ll always be here to taunt you!!

And then there’s the kids. So often I hear, “You have amazing kids! They are so great!” And they are, most of the time. But they are far from perfect.

And guess what? Most of what I deal with with my children comes from me. I hear the way they talk to each other and think, Ouch, I speak that way to them. Here’s where I bare my heart to you and hope you can sympathize and not judge…

This week we hit bottom. All my pushing, ranting, yelling, commanding and raving came to a head on Wednesday. You see, naturally with nine kids, I am used to handing out ‘to-do lists’, commanding the kids to get things done, and not always being nice about it. It’s a bad habit, I’ll admit, but it gets the job done. Problem is, it doesn’t do much for the relationship, especially with the teens.

On Wednesday I caught one of my teens lying to me again. It’s been a long standing problem with this one and it’s one of those things that makes me really irate. I mean, screaming, yelling, head-spinning angry. If you can’t tell, I don’t always handle myself well.

Well, it came to a head and I pushed too much and made this child too angry. You know that verse about not exasperating your kids? Yeah, well, I did it. Now I can’t take all the blame because this child didn’t handle it well either and shouldn’t have lied and then lied again. So he ran away. He actually ran out the door, threw on his muck boots which aren’t lined, didn’t grab a coat and took off across the field. I really thought he just ran into the back yard so I didn’t think much of it, but I was worked up and had not idea how to deal with the situation anymore. So, I called my amazing, wonderful hubby and said, “I’m so sorry. I know you are supposed to go to youth group right now but you HAVE to come home.”

He didn’t hesitate (he’s awesome and amazing and I’m so thankful for him) and came home. By then I was worried because I didn’t see said child in the backyard but it was dark and I kind of thought he had climbed a tree or headed into the barn. Andrew took off looking for him, searching all seven out buildings, the trees, the yard. I saw his flashlight waving around outside and kept waiting for him to come in having found him. But no, that flashlight just kept swishing back and forth.

I went out to help and started to get concerned. I started yelling this child’s name, hoping he’d just pop out of hiding. He did finally come back, stomping over the field, cold and tired and cooled off. We figure he walked about 2 1/2 miles over snowy, muddy fields and roads.

The amazing mix of emotions I felt at that moment was overwhelming! I was so relieved and so angry all at once. All I could do was say, “Get in the house.” And then I cried and cried. Kids don’t know what they do to a mama’s heart. All the thoughts of what could have happened to him while he was gone and raced through my mind over and over and I tromped around the yard in sometimes knee deep snow. I had to will myself to stay calm as surges of panic tried to over take me.

I realized that night what I had done to this child. He told me he was sure I didn’t want him around. Where’d he get that idea?

From me.

From my frustration at him leaving his shoes and books and clothes and things laying all over all the time. From my constant annoyance at his lack of motivation and responsibility. From my harsh words and unkind looks.

From me.

Are those things okay or acceptable? No, but neither have my actions been acceptable. Two wrongs don’t make a right. We’ve heard that before, haven’t we?

So, there you have it. I am not Super Mom! Not even close. I fail miserably everyday at this thing called mothering. I have to guess at what to do sometimes. I have to say sorry, A LOT! I have to take back my harsh words. There are days I just want to go to bed and start over.

Here’s the encouragement, mamas. You aren’t alone. We’re all imperfect. We all mess up. So, you aren’t alone. We’re in this together.

Here’s still more encouragement. He always reminds me after I totally mess up of a few truths I have to hang on to. God made me mama to my kids. No one else can be mama to my kids the way I can. Even with my imperfections, even with my mistakes. In spite of my shortcomings He knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me my kids. And His grace is bigger than my weakness. His grace covers my children and washes over them when I mess up. And it washes over me to.

God’s grace is never ending and perfect and covers all wrongs. Thankfully His grace was with us that evening and covered all of us and it ended well. We talked through a lot of things and resolved issues and said I’m sorry.

God’s grace will continue as I try to change my habits and speak differently to my kids, as I try to show them they are wanted, loved, cherished.

God’s grace is sufficient for you too, in this crazy, messy journey called motherhood.

Enough.

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I wake up every morning feeling overwhelmed. I’ll just admit it to you now. There isn’t a morning where I don’t wake up and think, oh man, how am I going to get everything accomplished that I need to today?

Ever feel that way?

Weighing on my mind is everything from whose turn it is to do laundry to how will I get my dyslexic son through college to what’s for dinner and did I thaw any meat. n top of that are the thoughts of who I need to contact, what friends haven’t I talked to in a while, what forms need to be filled out for numerous activities and events, and who needs a shower or bath. Then I start to list all the activities and sports we AREN’T involved in and whether my kids are missing out. It doesn’t end there. The list continues and by the time I get out of the shower my mind has already formulated a plan on how to accomplish it all.

No wonder I wake up tired!

Maybe your mind doesn’t work this way…feel blessed! I’m a planner by nature and it’s very hard for me to shut that off and just be. But every morning (at least I shoot for every morning) I practice just being with the Lord. I read some of His truths, pray, connect with Him and ask Him to order my day. Why? Well, it’s really the only way to help that overwhelmed feeling.

Every morning I spend with Him I realize, “God’s Got This!”, as a bracelet a friend gave me says. He reminds me He loves me, He loves my family, and He knows our life better than I do.

And you know what He always tells me? …..You are Enough.

So, fellow mamas, let that sink in. You. Are. Enough.

You aren’t enough because of what you can accomplish. You aren’t enough because you wake up energized and ready to face the world. You aren’t enough because you check everything off the to-do list. You aren’t enough because your kids are well dressed and well behaved. You aren’t enough because your house is beautifully decorated and clean.

You are enough because of what He has done and still does for you. You are enough because He has placed you in this very position at this very point in time. You are enough because He gives you His strength, peace, and knowledge.

So the next time you wake up feeling overwhelmed, maybe even discouraged, tell yourself, “God says, I am enough” and rest in that overwhelming sense of peace!